Im gonna try to make this as short as I can. Fiance and I have been together 2 1/2 yrs. During the first 1 1/2 yrs I was unemployed and at home keeping up the house. He had told me he was ADD-Inattentive, but since I did everything at home, I never noticed. Fast forward to this past year and I am back to work Full Time and am now dependent that he help split the chores in the home. He is not keeping up his end of the chores and no amount of reminding and sweet will you's have motivated him. Once I turn into authoro-mom and threaten to leave, he gets up and does his chores. He is usually spiteful and cruel when this occurs, even to the point of being cruel and refusing to wish me well when I was leaving for my bachelorette party because I asked him to do the dishes.
The obvious issues exist: He is not affectionate 80% of the time, does not spend time with me unless I beg, does not inquire about my well being or say I love you, does not talk with me about anything emotional, is engrossed in games, does not help with the chores, has the worst hygiene, lies, and manipulates. The hygiene bothers me the worst. He stinks, he will forgoe brushing his teeth if he moved his toothbrush out of reach, he leaves poo smeared on the toilet seat, and wont flush, and skids in his underwear...every....day. I told him that him keeping up his hygeine was necessary for a partnership and that I am completely grossed out by it. I explained to him that it was a huge root cause of our lack of sex life.
The lying began when we agreed to keep at our relationship so long as he was treating his condition with meds & therapy. Well, for 6 solid months he fooled me into believing they werent helping. Turns out they dont help if you only take a total of 2 and the therapy so far has been a joke, he dragged his feet for 6 months till I turned around and did it myself (Im pissed at myself for my codependency, but I keep wondering if he doesnt have the capability of gaining help, which doesnt make sense really, since he is very good at his job) Anyway I found out he was lying because I was looking for his vitamin pack in his backpack and found all of the pills he claimed to have taken. He lied for 6 months about it and I find this 2 days before my bridal shower and bachelorette party. I confronted him and told him I was calling off the wedding. He promised he would start therapy and see a doc asap, but did not regret his decision to lie to me, and claimed he didnt know the doc would switch his script if it made him feel bad.
Now for the bizaar. It has happened in the past, as well as now, despite Welbutrin he has been on for a few weeks. He will go into a borderline catatonic state when under stress regarding our relationship, this presented itself during our first fight 1 year ago when my mom called to say 3 family members had died in a car crash. She asked him to tell me since she didnt want to leave me a voicemail. 3 days after I called to shoot the breeze only to find out the news. When I asked him about it he said he forgot. How in all the curse wods I can think of, forget to tell me that members of my family died. The catatonic state looks like this: He will sit and stare and not respond when I confront his behaviour, he wont blink, and he will rub his thumb and pointer finger together. I cant claim it to be an argument since he in no way participates. This catatonic like state scares the crap out of me and also rips me apart because I feel completely neglected by him when he just checks out.
He promised he would pursue the therapy and meds and then was denied by insurance for is adhd being pre-existing. I have an advocate that was going to research said claim and need written authorization from him. It is common for him not to respond or answer his phone if I call, so the first attempt to get him to comply failed. I tried to explain to him that these were tools we would use to help him build a better life. Anyway tonight was the last straw. His therapist told us is hygiene was not related to his adhd at all and that the Wellbutrin wouldnt help him either. So I pushed him again to get me the paperwork so we could get him to a real psych doc for real meds. He ignored my texts and did not answer the phone or return my call. Tonight when I got home I confronted him. He was extremely hurt since I didnt immediately praise him for doing the dishes. I told him I was indeed happy about the dishes but that I was frustrated since he would prioritize the wrong item. Yesterday I needed him to do dishes, today I needed paperwork. At that point he went catatonic like again. I told him that I was done and calling off the wedding and would figure out how to break our lease. I begged him to go to a hotel but he refused to leave his computer chair. How is it that a person can be unresponsive yet refuse to budge from a chair? I mean he gripped the table when I tried to help him out of the chair in order to prevent me from moving him.
Is this something ADHD or does he have some other mental issues.
I myself am OCD-Pure O, and have dealt with depression, anxiety, and such....but I dont know what to think of this. This really scares the crap out of me. I do beleive by his behaviour I will have to be the one to leave the home. I love him so much, but he acts very unstable in my opinion and I honestly dont know what to do to help him. If there are no sources of conflict in our home, he is very cheerful, and behaves almost teenage like. Im sorry if this is a bunch of jibberish, Im completely raw that he denied me my needs, rejected me, and manipulated me, and had no intention of keeping his promise. He cant even tell the doc what he likes or dislikes about me....so how can he really love me?
Why cant he be the person he said he was? I feel abandoned, humiliated, neglected, and depressed. I had a full blown panic attack due to tonights episode and I hate it. Ive worked so hard to keep my own crap in check.