Ogles women

My ADHD boyfriend can't stop looking at other women when we go out.  Sometimes he barely looks at me.  He also watches a lot of porn.  Does that make a man ogle women?

Would medication help him stop?  Would not looking at porn make him stop ogling women?

I appreciate any advice.

RE:ogles women,,

Dear Zellaam,

                        I have in fact responded to your last post on watching porn and women,I have the same problem,I am happy you brought up the topic,cause I was just about to when I saw your post.My spouse and I have been discussing his addiction to the porn,and his excuse goes like this!

"I only look at porn when I am board and you are not around,and the reason I look at other women is to see IF I am missing out on anything"

I am very UNHAPPY with this! this might be the reason for my itchy skin and my hair loss that I have been experiencing lately,I am suffering "bad" b/c of this,I don't know what to do again about it.He would not at all understand what he is putting me through,but some how over the past 2 weeks or so I managed to take myself out of the situation by just letting him bee!!! I might have to go and set up an appointment for therapy,and get myself on antidepressants.He is causing me to feel like I am not good enough for him!!!

Our S life is very good,I am not heavy or unattractive,I weigh 100 and 35 lbs and I am tall,so then what is his underlying problem??? I think he even try to start fights with me so he can stay at home and lock himself inside and look at porn(constant masturbation),the bill in which his cable bill came for the month of march was on the dresser at his apartment, and when he was in the bathroom last night taking a shower,I saw the bill,,,,,, "AGAIN" for the second row in a month, it was 5 hundred dollars more than than actual amount,I started to keep a diary on all the fights we have been having and the "dates" of the fights,so when I saw the bill last night I wrote down the dates of the porn that he purchased very quickly before he came out the bathroom,, and "today"I matched all the porn purchased to "ALL" the dates we have been fighting,,, and the days I would go home,, and a couple of days I was not by him like Sundays afternoon,, and during the week also.But this is a little mind bugger for me,I saw on his blue towel this morning when I went to brush my teeth that the towel had lot's of white specimen's on it.He has been really at it since Friday,the night of our big fight,and Sunday I went and spend the night with him but NO make up S,and that is just to show how the porn thing can really ruin a relationship.

It is in fact an ADHD problem, and it is so even with non-ADHD people too,but having ADHD is more worse when coming to porn,it help's with the production of dopamine in the brain and it stimulates them,ADHD people takes their distraction to bed,it helps them to somehow focus and it helps with stress release when coming to masturbation,but,when you are in a relationship it is not "good" at all it affects the spouse who is having a problem with it like "us".and that is affecting me physically,mentally...
To me I look at it this way,the day he stops looking at porn then I might have to worry that he is taking his distractions elsewhere,in the physical realm,that will be the """real""" problem there,so I let him be with the porn and I intend to seek professional help with that.As far as the women watching thing,well,I did mention it to him and he did slow down a bit but not enough for me,he should never do it in the presence of me it's disrespectful..

The meds,well I am not sure with the meds if it will help with the porn and the watching of the woman,but,I believe that it could slow down the porn a bit if it will replace the distractions problems and focus the meds could indeed help,but that's another problem I am having with him,he does not want to take the meds, he says too many side effects.But if he continues this nasty way of life I would be going my separate way and find myself a real gentleman!!! someone who would not stress me like this!!!

I know how this feels for you and how this affects you,you are not alone if you want to talk to me about it on a one to one basis let me know I will be there for you!!






Thanks for all

Thanks for all the comments.

I think in a lot of ADHD relationships, there are more than a few issues complicating matters.  Maybe, if he stared at other women but still stared at me with love, devotion, and longing, it wouldn't be so bad.  But of course, after dating for a few years, the thrill of being with me has dimmed.  Sex is becoming less and less also because of his lack of desire. 

Making it worse is his response.  He gets defensive and extremely angry, like I'm trying to control his freedom.  It feels like he's choosing all the attractive women in the world over me.  All I really want is for him to say, I'm sorry and that he'll try harder.  You'd think that wouldn't be so hard.

I'm worried it will get worse, the longer we are together.  I've read on many websites that overt staring like this doesn't go away.  Most women say, "I used to date a man like that and he wouldn't stop.  So I had to break up with him."

Does anyone think that an ADHD man can have control over his leering at women or is the dopamine high too irresistible?  Or, are there any girlfriends/wives who have managed to get to a point where it doesn't bother them anymore?  How?

My ex stopped this ---

After separating for 8 months, he going to counseling for anger management, when I came back, his oogling was atrocious! He was looking at other women behind my back when he picked me up from the air port! We talked and he said he had picked up a bad habit (I'm sure he was looking at a lot of porn while I was gone), and he "was working on it."  I told him how disrespectful it was, he agreed, yada, yada, yada.... After a couple of instances of this, I looked him directly in the eye and said, "The next time I see you oogling some cute young thing when I am with you, I'm going to march right over to her and ask her if she would like to come meet my husband because evidently she had something he wanted very badly." I MEANT IT, and that was the last time he did it.

What finally worked --

I completely understand that. When I could get a response from him to one thing (no more oogling), something else obnoxious would pop up. My final solution was to leave, and its been about 3 months now. I have my life back.

lynnie70,well I guess,

Well I guess we are rocking in the same boat now,I left also.I am working on getting my life back also.Glad to know I have some company along that path.

This is what happens when one spouse is hurting badly when there is not respect and communication also boundaries,I have tried! but there is only so much I can do!

take care of your self I am happy you found back your peace of mind,as I would also.