Oh help me, this is just getting to be too much

Let me start off by saying, does anyone feel their ADHD spouse isn't truly "married" to them?  To my husband, it's like, we're legally married, but he does what he wants to do and doesn't regard the fact that we're a team, we're "one".  He makes decisions without discussing it with me first, he doesn't even think he needs to.  Well now we've got a whopper.  His father passed away last week and his family is already having all this talk about where their mother will live (she's in ok health but has epilepsy and can't live alone).  There's 5 kids in the family.  Two of them are daughters who live near their mother in California, both well off with large homes.  Then there's us in Georgia.  My husband brought up his mother living here and he knew I wasn't a huge fan, but we never made any decisions.  And guess what he lovingly does?  Offers her anyway!  We've got 2 young kids, trying for a 3rd (although I may end that now).  Our house isn't terribly big.  AND my mom already lives with us in our basement!  We'd have to turn our small dining room into a room for his mom.  I'm a stay at home mom, and my husband offers this, where it only affects me.  I'M taking care of her.  I'M driving her everywhere, cooking her meals, etc.  She's not the type to help much either.  My husband will not get out of his dream world and be a team with me.  He makes choices by himself, depsite how it affects me (as we can see).  This hurt me so incredibly bad.  And despite all the talking I've done with him, he still doesn't think he did a single thing wrong.  And he won't tell them she can't live with us.  We fly out Thursday for the funeral.  But I am so tempted to not go with him.  I want to see if being without me makes any difference to him.  I honestly don't think it will.  He doesn't "rely" on me, except for cleaning up after him, etc.  He needs a wake up call bad.  I don't want to divorce, but he NEEDS a wake up call.  Depsite it being selfish perhaps, I really am tempted to keep me and the kids home and him go to Cali by himself.  Emotionally, he'll be fine without me.  He doesn't have any emotions anyway.  He's been taking the death very well.  I made an "emergency" therapy appt for tomorrow PRAYING the therapist will get through to him.  I don't know what to do.  Should I go to Cali?  How should we handle all this?