New here but have been reading lots over a period of time, and elsewhere as well. Seems a lot of good info here so lets see what I get.
I'm not sure how to go about this in a short post, so bear with me and i will do the best I can.
The history - I met my wife at 16 we were great friends (down here we often say mates, not just for men friends :-)) I'm an Aussie by the way) anyway, we ended up together and married at 30. Long time I know but she did some strange stuff back then bounced all over the place, got married to a man she didn't want to in the end, wanted to leave the wedding on the day and not do it, but did!!?? Anyway, we ended up got together intimately (had not ever been intimate as friends - well no more than a bit of Kiss and cuddle) at about 28 married her at 30. All was well for a while till she decided her family (read dad) needed saving again, as he does often. He is not very successful, still around at 74 trying to make it has development properties and such but in a huge financial situation (what's new story of his life) this has created a lot of friction between us over the years as everything gets dropped by her to get in and help in someway. he is emotionally manipulating and blackmails often, well with his family only, certainly not with me as I saw right through that within about 6 months of being married, we have never truely got on, I beared him as my wifes father that was about it anyway to cut long story short - we had a son in 1997 and in less than a year she left me (with her families help I will add) no real contact for 9 years till 2007, my son then 9.5yrs was wanting to see me (had not seen him since he was 1yr old, that is story of it's own and was also some of my doing) anyway from there we saw each other several times and one day I was asked if I would give her a second shot as she messed it up. Cut this short too - I said I would but with conditions as it was obvious way back then that there was some thinking issues ( we called it twisted thinking - we as in my friends, family etc) Turns out after she left me I figured there was perhaps a Bipolar issue, turns out this was the case mildly but since then she has also been officially diagnosed with ADD (my son also to some extent) so anyway, we are together again ( am I nuts well that is a good question isn't it?? She says she is the luckiest woman in the world that I have let her back in - I never divorced her, just property settlements and the like, couldn't be bothered spending more money to divorce unless I was ever going to marry again) she has moved in with me since March 2008 and my nightmare started. So I guess technically you could say we are 18 years married, 19 this October.
She has so much material stuff!! The issue I'm having is she will not sort through it and decide what to keep what not, most of it is really not worth keeping but all I keep getting is I need it for my creativity blah, blah, blah and I need this to be done and that to be done and more storage, more shelving and the list goes on. I get you don't do enough for me to sort it out, you don't want to help (which is true to an extent, helped her clean up her life twice so far, not doing it a 3th to get kicked for it) Anyway, will try cut this short too, she has enough for 3 full families in my opinion and the bottomline is I am so tired, wornout and so forth, just like many others I have read about here of non-ADD spouses, partners etc. I'm at my wits end. This timke she needs to actually do it for herself or she will never learn in my opinion.
As to getting on with my own life I can do that to an extent but my home looks like a rubbish tip. So other than tossing her out I'm not sure how to go about it yet, By the way it is what we call a highset home (like a 2 story but no internal stairs) with 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms etc, etc so it is not exactly tiny, not huge either but more that enough for 2 adult, 1 child. Mind you she has taken one bedroom alone and filled it with clothes, shoes and so forth. The latest scheme from her is I rent this one out and we go rent somewhere else with an option to buy and the reason is this house just does not work for her.
Now you perhaps need to understand that I am very emotionally strong, grounded, get things done man. I have often been referred to by friends and partners including my wife as 'The Rock' as I'm always there and don't move because of my grounding (their words,not mine)
Anyway, there are a number of issues surfacing and the main one for me is I can not live in a dump, I'm not a clean freak, don't mind a house that looks lived in but this is way past that. I have room downstairs that was my games room etc, with a pool table, darts, bar and so forth for entertaining. I have not had any socialising at my home since New Years Eve 2007/08 because it is all too hard and to be honest I find it embarrasing to have my friends come into this, they sort of know about it and are supportive, I go to others for get togethers at times, not as much as I would like, but I can live with it for now.
I have just seen my pool table and bar for the first time in over 6 months. Now I have said seen it, not played on it or mixed a drink at my bar, that is way too hard. Now before you think well she is doing something about it, let me say she just moves it around and does not actually get rid of it. I have asked do you have stuff you do not need and do not want - answer is yes, I say so why is it still here and not with a charity as you want or to the rubbish if not. Answer I have to unpack it all first to find it and I can not do that here as I don't have the space!! Let me also add here she has 2 storage units near by big enough to store a vehicle in, about the size of a small garage each, she has stuff at her fathers place over the otherside of town, and some more stuff stored at another of his properties. Hope you are getting the picture here? No I did not know about all this prior to getting back together or her moving in, it may have very well been different if I did know, thought she would be over the hording/mess stuff by now, been there done that before with her. I have done heaps on promises and it has cost me a packet to go with it. I have always been reasonably finacially secure since a late teenager and since she left me I have just moved on and up in life and my position has usually improved with each career change etc. Lucky perhaps but I like to think more good management and life education. So to move on. She has never been good with money and had none when she moved in, I financed everything. I really thought after a decade away she may have actually learned some of lifes bigger lessons - O did I mention she ended up living with her parents with my son - she is 47 to by the way we are 2 weeks apart same age.
Hmmm looking at this it will not be short so I will go with this. She is on Meds has a therapist who i have been to, but she does not even do what is suggested there to do. It has escalated in the home to the point that I have no fuse left, my patiance is at an end and I am known to have the patiance of JOB as they say. I'll also add here she has 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 mini horses, 2 goats, now they are not all at the home, but the 2 dogs and cats are, She spends very little time with them as too much other stuff to do, I don't feel it's fair on the animals, but she insists it is for our son. Took me a while to figure it is not about our son or the animals, it is about her. My sons spends next to no time with them. So you can probably guess my thoughts on this part, once again you have to be kidding give them away - not a chance. I have bent almost to breaking point, the resentment and disrespect is creeping in as I don't believe she has respect for our marriage. I'm so over hearing it's ADD and I don't believe in it and so forth and such as, I am aware she has but as far as I am concerned it is a reason, NOT an excuse and her behaviour and the like is still held accountable. Her other traits well there ios a few there like no time management, no organisational skills, no money skills and the like, I can live with most as they can be managed with my help, but the mess, well what do I do!! I'll just add here, the last time I moved on with life hoping she would take the hint, I was being told I did not care or love her blah, blah, blah and does this situation sound like someone who didn't love her, I have loved her since the day we first met and that has never changed. I have told her though that LOVE is just not enough these days, it is not a fairy tale and there needs to be more than just love in a marriage, that in my view is what partners are about, they help each other in life but my emotional bank is empty, in fact I would say over drawn, I have no more to give and nothing really coming back and I'm not interested in enabling, I know and understand this situation and not just with ADD.
I have spent lots of time in my life teaching and empowering people, I have many that I have helped, I have no qualifications other than the University of Life, but my wife - well that is whole different ball game! She has books and info coming out of her ears about coping, ADD, getting organised and so forth, all the knowledge in the world is usless without action and she is also very inteligent with a good IQ but EQ is a different story, it's like in many way she has not grown up.
I have even threatened to get a rubbish skip out the front and start tossing, this enviroment is not healthy for me or my son and she keeps agreeing with me, but nothing happens. How do I teach a 12 yr old that he needs to pick up after himself, he needs to understand time management and time frames when his mother who he has been with does not do it - monkey see, monkey do and he is pretty soft for a 12 yr old boy so his mothers influence is stronger at the moment than mine, it is all hard work with 2 of them as he is also very stubborn, hard headed, argumentative etc, etc, the usual ODD traits added to his ADD and yes he is on Meds we are still experimenting with them to get the balance.
Oops like I said long post, and believe me I could make it longer but that will do for now, sure I have probably left something important out ;-o) Thanks for listening as they say, but I have found it really hard to get good information downunder in OZ, it seems really hard to find good info or good help especially for partners of ADD - ODD people or if available costs the earth for good help and that is a bit hard at the moment till I re-group financially which I will, so no issue there for Me.
Thanks for letting me unload a bit :-o))