I joined this forum because it was by far the best I have found, with help and support for spouses of adults with ADHD. and as myself and OH have lived together for over 16 years as man and wife, we are married except for that piece of paper - therein lies the problem. I hope you will still accept me on this forum - it helps so much to know that others feel as I do and go through similar experiences.
OH is adamant that he does not want to marry me ,which breaks my heart. When we met he was separated from his wife as she had gone to live with another man, taking his children. But the split was very amicable and he saw a lot of his children - he still does . I was widowed with 2 teenagers and he was lovely at first, telling my kids he didn't intend to replace their Dad, taking them out for the day, suppprting me in decisions I made etc and we had a lovely year or so. However he then got a job driving abroad, which really upset me and I suppose I was still feeling vulnerable and felt that we were missing out on vital time together as we could never plan anything and when he came home from his trips he was always exhausted and then it was time to go again. I did over react, yelling and screaming and behaving in a way that I never ever would today. I just felt that when he was home we should try to make up for it by having a good time together, but he wasn't bothered about making the effort.
Eventually he got a job nearer home, but then he started to upset me in other ways. He got very friendly with a female teacher at my son's school and started giving her a lift to football matches. She tried to be all masculine and so on, but I knew she had lots of boyfriends. OH used to visit his brother on the way homes from matches and the teacher tagged along too. Luckily it did end when she adopted two children and had to stay home more. I always got on well with OH's daughter and when she visited at weekends, he would drive her to the station to catch her train home. I used to go along too, to say goodbye to her but he seemed to hate that, saying I was being too clingy. Things were going wrong even then.
We split up for week once, but he wouldn't tell me why. He just emailed me and said that he thought it best that we finish. I was very upset and we did communicate by email for a day or two and then I decided to leave him to think about things and stopped contact. A few days later I got a lovely email saying that he loved me and he asked me to marry him. I felt that it was a bit soon after our break up so I said we should wait to see how things worked out. We had a wonderful few months and then he moved in.
Over the years since then, I have tried my best to understand his ADHD (which I didn't know about until we had been together for quite a long time) we have a real roller coaster ride. He became friends with a girl on-line, and I could imagine he was very charming and complimentary, as he used to be toward me. When that stopped he took to watching porn (or maybe he always had, I don't know) all the time denying it, even when I stood behind him and saw it for myself ! He would say it was an ad he had clicked on. I decided that it wouldn't hurt me if he continued but sex for me was becoming difficult. I had been through the change and had problems but not once did he say he understood or ask what the problem was. His behaviour was, I now know, fairly ADHD typical, he would lose his temper and rant and rave but never say sorry, he would never compliment on how I looked or something I had done, he took a dislike to a lot of people and they felt uncomfortable in his presence, he would not help around the house or decorate saying that it was 'not his thing'. He could not keep a job for long, always upsetting people or taking too much time off, I kept us afloat financially, supported him through the times he was out of work and tried hard to be the person he wanted me to be. But of course you can only do that for so long . He loves going abroad so I went abroad with him for the first time ever, but I didn't like it very much and prefer to holiday in England. He said he would not come to my favourite places with me any more. I suppose I have issues of my own, I dislike travelling - especially flying. I am never happier and more relaxed than when I am in my own home and if we do go away (to somewhere he chooses) then I don't like going for more than a week.
His divorce came through and his ex got married. I asked when we would marry and he said "never". I was so upset by this especially as he had asked me in the email after we split up, He would never tell me why. Many people we knew and family members got married and I would go along and feel so upset because it was what I thought would be happening to me. Over the years I have brought it up many times, but the answer is the same "I will never, every marry you".
He has stopped supporting me in everything I do. I am an amateur singer and he used to come along and support me but he was always very critical of me and now he won't come along at all. I decorated the house by myself but all he did was show the little things I had done incorrectly. Two years ago he went to visit his brother in Canada. He met a young lady in the local pub and has continued to be in contact with her on facebook. I noticed a few little comments he had sent in a private message, saying how he likes the way she looks and how he feels they connect in their ideas on things. I tackled him about it and he went mad and called me a jealous bitch. He is off to Canada again in October, as his brother is having a 60th birthday party. He has bought a new suit. No prizes for guessing who he will be impressing. I am not going with him because I simply cannot afford it. My son lives in Australia now and I miss him like mad and am saving for a trip there next year and I would rather do that really than go to Canada.
We had a big arguement this last weekend about us getting married. He finally told me why he won't - that he do not get on. I yelled at him that he was content for me to be like his wife, cook, clean, and put up with a lot of his ADHD problems. But he is adamant that we will never get married. I am a firm believer in marriage and just don;t know what to do. He said that he feels we are like brother and sister and we may as well split up. But what he won't acknowledge is the fact that his behaviour in the past 16 years has left it's mark on me. I feel so resentful that he asked me to marry him and then took it away. He said that if he had to marry me he would resent me, well I resent him for NOT marrying me.
As outsiders - can any of you offer any opinions ? Thankyou for reading.