Once Again..it's my fault- but this time...it really was :(


So my phone has been disconnected.  Not turned off temporarily but disconnected.  DH told me he was paying the bill LAST THURSDAY after me reminding him every day for 4 days.  Today..no phone.  Ok..so I use my phone for MY JOB.  + I had an important phone appt today so I look like a flake.  I COULD drive to his work and say Hey the Phone.. He in turn will be very angry at me for spending money and it will be my fault plus he will be too "busy" to deal with it.  Yes, I am Cassandra once again.  Telling him daily until he "apparently" lied (yes if it turns out to be the fault of AT&T i SWEAR I will post an apology on this site-SWEAR) to shut me up (usual strategy) When I call him on his stuff it is my "fault" for being ...oh name it.  A B*tch, A controlling person, I get so angry with him he can't stand it (This after he lied about the electric bill-it was cut off and I was in a house with no electricity, no phone and a special needs baby that was sick)  Yup...I sure got angry that time.   It is just the same old same old...over and over.  Now He KNOWs about the phone bill, He's been taking his meds...so what am I to think? 

I am going to clean up the house (throw away the trash from where he ate and left dishes and wrappers lying around for me to toss) and then I will take a shower, clean up and go down there and bring it to his attention. NICELY.

At which point I KNOW he is going to blast me for spending $$.   I found out checking the bank acct that he got paid 800.00 so I went out with the children and bought bra's undies, socks, PJ Cause it was cold and the kids didn't have.  I also bought a 40.00 microwave-cheapest I could find.  When I came home he had checked the bank balance (which he does constantly on his phone as opposed to budgeting)  and was all pained and lip biting..You spent$$ at Wal-mart.  I was like..did you make a budget?  NO.  Ok..well the kids needed underwear, and we has talked previously about a microwave since the kids are old enough to make their own snacks and I'd prefer they not cook.  My aspergers daughter is famous for cooking on her own and then walking away from it! So yes I bought the microwave.  did I know if we "had" the money.  No..in all honesty I guessed we did and thought I could curve out the grocery $ if I had to.  So yes I was wrong..but..we NEVER have the money even if we HAVE the money.  No budget, no $$ ever.  IF my DH spends well it's ok.  We can have all sorts of crappy job equipment fancy stuff in here because "he " decided.. Me?  Oh no it is my fault II am ruining the family.  I also bought the family Toilet Paper...so at least if we are ruined we won't be stinky as well.    This has been going on for years..years.. so I just spend..Not crazy..not like a thousand dollars here and there but yesterday I bought 12.  Curtains at a thrift store...ok Guys..I know I should not have spent a dime.  I know it.  But on the other hand I never know if we have money or not.  He is quite happy for me never to have anything.  It is like he is driven to live like a pauper..oh wait..no driven to have ME live like a pauper.  He hasn't done a budget in years, no matter what I buy it is too much and irresponsible.  PLUS..He was supposed to have paid the phone bill LAST WEEK.  So although it not directly MY FAULT it is disconnected I FEEL GUILTY>   I feel guilty and really really don't want to get yelled at for spending money.  I guess the feeling is.  I don't think I can care anymore about his hand wringing and lip biting because HE NEVER DOES A BUDGET.   So in my crazy brain I think..it is a control thing for him.  He never does a budget but we are always OUT OF MONEY.  He has no idea where it goes, changes the passwords on the online banking daily, tosses bills all over the house.  I have the mail key but he takes it and get mail that I laterI find under a car seat or stuffed in a bathroom cabinet.  But I know I am part of the problem.  Guessing whether I can spend or not is ridiculous, but asking for every penny that I need to spend is humiliating.  no matter what I spend on grocery, he takes the receipt and regardless it is the tightening of the lips.  WE EAT BEANS AND RICE AND SOUP but he can blithely go and buy kids lunch stuff...Youghurt, string cheese, junk cookies and crackers..45+ a week.  When I have cake mixes that I bought so I can make cupcakes to last for the week..My 2.00 strategy vs his 45.00 excess and lets not count the slurpee's and after school snacks cause he's the "cool dad" ..  ARGGKAH GHAHGIEHGHNIEGHANGAIGN


Ok..so I feel guilty, and a little crazy. 

A lot crazy.  This is a difficult day because I am in the wrong.  I shouldn't have spent the money.  I can't breathe living like this.  Everything everything is my fault and this time..it really is my fault.  I can't bear it.  How could I have been so stupid to spend money without making SURE the phone bill and the other bills (whatever they are- DH Refuses to give me a list) are paid.  How can I know what is kept from me.  Everyday a new ugly shoe drops.  I can't relax or look forward to any pleasure without sucking the joy out of it myself.  What's going to be? What's going to happen?  I used to be a happy go lucky kind person...Now I am a worrying, guilty, angry washed up woman.   WORSE I had an appt with a counselor on the phone today.  I feel unable to even try..I just want to put my head under a pillow and hide.  And he is OK living like this.. He is comfortable because if it isn't directly IN HIS FACE it doesn't exist. 

So thank you for allowing me to spew out my misery.  I gotta go and find out about the phone bill from him.  G-d give me the strength to get through this...Please. Please until we hit our CS and I have my OWN financial control.  It is like being knocked over by wave after wave, swirling upside down sideways..never having your feet under you.  I feel sick