I don’t do a lot of posting here. But, I’m pretty sure my marriage is coming to an end. H is a really good guy. Very attentive, loving partner and hands-on Dad. But, his unpredictable angry outbursts have just about killed our relationship. I’ve done all the research. I know it’s flooding. I know he never intends to lash out verbally at me or the kids. I know it’s a neurological process that keeps him from filtering his emotions when he’s triggered.
Does all of that matter? Nope. Because he hasn’t taken control of it. And because we often have long periods of him NOT lashing out, it falls off his radar and he doesn’t think about it. Until it happens again and I bring it back to his attention for the 4000th time. So, it happened again. Wasn’t the biggest outburst, but just kind of my last straw. I did what I’m best at. Retreating. Ignoring. Giving the silent treatment and moving into another bedroom. When he gave me the indication he could talk (which is rare because talking to him is IMPOSSIBLE most of the time), I said I thought we should separate. He asked me to hold off. To let him try meds, this time for the long haul...not just at work or when he wants to get something done. And he’s amenable to therapy. He says he wants to change. That his DIY self is frustrated because you can’t watch a YouTube video and DIY yourself out of ADHD. He says he will get on board with a new psychiatrist who specializes in this, and he did reach out to one (although it took over a week). But he showed me his email to the MD and said he has to start checking in with me so I feel part of the process.
SO, here’s my question. I’m married to this man for 15 years. We have 2 kids and we do love each other dearly. We did not know ADHD was affecting our marriage until last year when he was first diagnosed. We’ve never EXPERIENCED being married while he receives both meds and therapy. I’m not sure what that relationship even looks like! I hate ultimatums because if he’s doing things due to threat of separation, then he may resent me. With all his past reluctance and procrastination to seek help, and my own seething anger about how I’ve been treated, do I give him this last chance to show me he wants to really DO THIS and make some lasting changes? I’m so EXHAUSTED from it all that I fear I’m making decisions because of non-ADHD spousal fatigue (which should be in the DSM-5 in my opinion). Thoughts???