One step forward....10 steps back

I don't know what to believe anymore!!!  DH told me that the doctor took him off his meds and that he has an appointment next Monday (I am guessing there is no appointment).  Now I find out that he is telling others that he took himself off the meds and that he stopped seeing the counselor too and that he doesn't need any help, "If it ain't broke...dont fix it".  He is blaming me for everything (told them that he is done with it all and if I don't like him the way he is I can leave) and told one of our friends that if I saw him "kill an ant" I would tell him he needed therapy.  Then there are the wonderful friends that are telling him they like him better off the meds and that he doesn't need them......they don't live with him!!!!  They told him he is to "glazed over" when he takes them.  He did all this in a very public manner, so I heard all of it!!! 

He has another friend that is soooooo not a good influence and has tried to split us up in the past.  This wonderful person (inject sarcasm) wants him to go overseas to work on a base in a freaking war zone!!  He is ready to give up college and following his dream to go over there.  This guy has him convinced it will fix all his problems cause he will be making "loads of cash", cause you know money will fix everything......

I'm at work and this is literally making me sick to my stomach!  Everything was going so well and he was really making some positive changes and now I feel like we just fell into a time warp that took us back a year.  I know I cant "make" him go to counseling or take the meds but how do I get him to realize that they spend 10 hours a week with him and don't see the "big picture", while we spend the rest of the time with him and can see where it was really helping.  Advice? Ideas?

I am really new to this so I

I am really new to this so I probably don't have much good advice sorry.  My husband finally got a prescription but told me the Psychologist told him it was unlikely he has ADHD but gave him Ritalin anyway.  Sounds suspicious but whatever. I can only pass on what my therapist has told me and that is I can only control me and how I handle the situation.  She told me to buy books join forums etc. to see what other non-ADHD mates/spouses are doing on their end to keep harmony in the relationship.  It is the most frustrating thing in the world but I am afraid that may be all you can do.

When it is just he and I out I have to make sure we sit at a table not the bar away from T.V.'s and other over stimulation so I can have what little attention he has to offer otherwise I have to watch him be "the bell of the ball" to all the strangers in the place while I sit there like and idiot.  If I need to tell him something I have to make eye-contact, make sure he is off the computer, cell phone, TV to tell him.  I sometimes have to wait.  I know when I ask him to do something he will either get distracted and be gone for a long time with no achievement or achieve only half the task.  I do not give him important things for this reason.  When we are with the kids and he is "supervising" I watch him like a hawk to make sure he does not get distracted and let the kids either take off or drown (my worst fear and biggest stress) I send him articles (he still thinks it's just stress not realizing he has been this way long before the kids and I came into the picture). When he does share things with his friends or family I ignore it and treat everyone, even the worst influences, the same. I can not control my husband I certainly can not control the thoughts or actions of his friends so let them be idiots I say but I won't be one.  Lists do not help, he forgets the list or can't read it.  If I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive and yells although recently he has been more receptive I wish I knew why he has not taken the meds yet.  So that's progress in my book.

 

That's about it for me.  Everyday is a struggle and I get really frustrated and I want to scream at the top of my lungs you have ADHD fix it!  But that will not help and it can't be fixed.  Sorry I am not much help. Hang in there hopefully it will get better again soon. 

You can't. That's the answer.

You can't. That's the answer. You can't make him see anything. You cannot say it and make it so. My husband and I had a conversation about this the other day...and it literally is what scares me the most about being with him - his reality is so different from mine. That might be OK in some situations, but with situations like this it is just a no-win situation. I think someone said recently, it is like asking them to change their eye color.

Having said that...I do get blamed a lot too. I also get the "if you'd just stop trying to fix me" line a lot. I recently was so exasperated with the entire situation, little things were just adding up left and right, and I finally blew. We spent 2 entire days saying things and doing things that cannot be taken back. It basically started with me asking him to simply apologize for the hurt he had caused. I even acknowledged that he might have been 100% in control of what he had done, but could he not take my word for it that it was hurtful and that it shook my entire foundation AGAIN and decimated my trust him him AGAIN? Nope. Not doing it. Avoided it like the plague. Now..do I think that he doesn't believe this is the truth? No. I know he knows he hurt me. I know he knows that he has set my trust in him back light years. I cannot say for certain why he wouldn't just admit it and apologize. Because I wanted him to and if he did it would be me controlling him? Because it is too painful for him to admit? Because he's too prideful? Because it would be admitting he CAN'T control his ADHD like he wants to think he can? Who knows?

After 2 horrible days, he did end up apologizing and admitting that he knows that I am angry because of his actions. I told him my anger was my responsibility and my choice...but he insisted that if it weren't for him, I would not be so angry. I cannot tell you how much that simple acknowledgement alone did for my anger...it helped me let go of so much. Still lots to deal with, but it is a start.

Still, fundamentally there are differences that we will never resolve because he truly feels that he is right and no matter what my feelings are, I know that nothing will change his mind. (i.e. that if he disagrees with me, I become obsessed with changing his mind to meet mine; that he can control his ADHD; that there is nothing wrong with him wanting new stuff all.the.time even though we can barely meet our bills; and the worst of them all...that being sneaky and dishonest is OK as long as he doesn't get caught...and even when he does, he cannot grasp the full concept of how damaging it is, or so it would seem)

Honestly, you're going to have to take the same advice I keep giving myself...his treatment and success and/or failure is 100% up to him. I know that it must be very difficult to have experienced the changes (positive) that the meds made in him and to now see him giving all of that up. Maybe he's being dishonest with his friends...maybe it is part of his 'crashing' from stopping the meds...maybe he does have an appt. You didn't say, did you ask him about any of this? I wouldn't make it a huge issue if you do..just simply ask for your own peace of mind and so you know what you're going to be dealing with. There is NOTHING you could say to him, if he is giving up on treatment, that would change his mind at this point. You know deep down you cannot control him..you cannot control this. He's going to do what he wants...and blame you if you try and influence him otherwise. Hopefully he's going to the doctor and isn't giving up on meds. Please keep us posted. ((HUGS))

 

Stuck

Thanks Sherri,

I know I cant make him do anything, but even trying to talk to him about anything has become a struggle!  An example being going overseas to work...even giving him my opinion that it is a really bad idea, (we spent the last 4 years with him having a job that took him out of town/state for weeks at a time), I really don't want him gone that much again.  There is also the chance that he wont come home alive!! But voicing those opinions (my exact words were, " I really don't want you to go, I really had a hard time with you being gone so much over the past 4 years and I hate to see you give up on your dream of finishing school") just made him mad and his response was "I don't remember me signing any contract that made me your puppy dog and said I had to do what you said" and "I'm a grown adult that knows right from wrong and I will do what I decide to".  I didn't even bring up the fact that he would be giving up college, he wouldn't have access to a counselor and there would be no way to get meds (if he chooses to take them again).  Not to mention his temper and the fact he has no tolerance for other cultures.....he will end up in prison or dead.  But all he can see are dollar signs and that he will be rid of me for 4 months at a time.  He is very much the person that always sees greener grass on the other side....and totally cant see what he already has. 

We don't have alot, but we are doing way better than some people.  Although we live in a mobile home park our trailer is paid off (he calls it a crack shack), our truck is paid off (all he can see is the rust), our kids are honor roll students (he sees that the youngest has some social skill delays), he is in college and will have the job he has dreamed of since we have been together (he sees that he never made it to professional football), I am working so that he doesn't have to and can concentrate on school and his internship (he sees that we don't have the extra money for him to start smoking cigarettes again or for any extras without saving up), he has a wife that loves him no matter what and has ALWAYS had his back (he sees someone that manipulated him into marrying her and tries to control him, so he keeps looking for someone better).  I feel like I'm trying to paddle a canoe upstream with only one paddle!!!

I did ask him about the appointment with the doctor and he says he is still going and he wrote it on the calendar.  The thing is I have lost so much trust with him telling me he is doing something and then going behind my back and doing something else.  I really don't know if I believe him.  I started seeing the counselor last week, hopefully that will help me to be able to let go of the things I cant change.  I honestly cant imagine my life without him in it, but I'm realizing that I cant control that either and that fact sucks!

More like paddling upstream

More like paddling upstream with a spoon.

I get it. I get everything you said. My husband is a lot like that as well. Always seems to want more. MANY MANY times in our marriage I have been hit with this overwhelming need to just let him go because of his 'constantly seeking out new things' attitude. To just make him leave and divorce him because I simply do not think I will ever be enough to fill that 'void' in his life. If he filled it with things that were sensible, that would be one thing...but he has filled it twice by going outside of our marriage. He fills it by spending money (this, I admit, is better than ever before...but the underlying tone of 'you are just keeping all of the money from me..I deserve to buy what I want because I work/am a 38 year old man/earned the money' is always there) He is EXACTLY like you describe..incapable of seeing the positive in anything..of seeing all of God's blessings in his life. I admit, this is my perception...and his might be different...but from the outside looking in, he's ALWAYS negative. I cannot remember when the last time was that he laughed. I LOVED his sense of humor when we met...I admit, I am a HUGE sucker for any guy who can make me laugh.

You have a lot of tough things coming at you all at once. If you love him and truly want to be with him, then you'll have to just let him make his decision. You have expressed to him how you feel. He won't forget. He doesn't need reminding. You don't  need to try a different approach tomorrow, or if an idea pops into your head that you think might influence his decision, you're just going to have to fight the urge and just let him do what he is going to do from here on. The harder you push the issue, the more likely he is to leave. It will be justification to him...if all you're going to do is nag him about treatment and expect him to be your "puppy" then he's just going to go. Breathe. You have a right to your opinion and feelings. They are very valid arguments, but a huge part of busting out of the 'controlling' roles is to let them make their own decisions, letting them know your feelings on it, and letting them deal with their own consequences of those decisions (excluding things that will harm the family as a whole).

I am so sorry...hopefully he'll keep his appt and maybe if he gets on meds again he'll have a change of heart. I hate to say this...because it sounds like I would be saying you are a part of the reason he might be wanting to leave (and God knows I am in your shoes 100%), but create a more peaceful situation for him and it might help him decide to stay. You do this by letting go and letting him make his own decisions. You've done all you can..he knows how you feel. Find a peace within yourself that says 'no matter what, *I* am going to be OK'. (((HUGS)))

 

Thank you

Sherri,

((HUGS!)) right back at ya....

Funny we seem to both be married to twins separated at birth..lol  My husbands sense so humor and his (then) positive attitude were what drew me to him.  Somehow that all went away and I would give my right arm to get it back.  I guess I just cant wrap my brain around letting him fail, sooooo many people have given up on him and told him how much of a failure he is, I don't want to be in that category.  His own family told him that he needed to quit school and "be a man", even though both him and I agreed on him going back to school.  Hell his ex called him the other day demanding money (they have an agreement that he pays her, in full, once a year out of his taxes, that takes the stress out of trying to get it to her every month) and when he told her that he didn't have any extra money she told him "maybe this isn't the right time for you to go to school, maybe you should think about going back to work" and then when he told her no she told him to pawn his TV!!!  The kicker to all this is she doesn't need the money for his daughter, we have her until September!!!  So I think this might have a lot to do with his decisions over the last couple weeks.  He is an amazing, smart, capable guy and an awesome dad (he has two girls and I have two boys but none together) on a good day and I know that somewhere in himself he loves me. 

I'm going to try really hard to not have the same conversations with him more than once.  It just seems like it goes in one ear and out the other with him, but I see your point with my needing to talk something to death, I am always looking for a solution to end whatever the problem of the moment is.  It does probably seem to him that I am trying to make him agree with me or change his opinion, honestly I never even thought of that before. 

I know I will be ok no matter what happens, I have started my life over from scratch twice before I met him, I just don't want to.  I want to be with him, I just want us to be happy again.  Yeah I'm thinking big, but shoot for the stars right?

Not only married to twins

Not only married to twins separated at birth, but apparently we are twins separated to birth too. I spent way too many years trying to hammer home my point...wasting countless hours and enough negative energy to power the Earth for a week. Yes. Make the point once and let it go. I see so many people face the same issues over and over and over again (story of the majority of my marriage) and they keep trying all of these ways to say it and can't understand why they cannot get "through to him" and the truth is, as I've said before, the delivery is more important than anything else. Don't repeat your feelings. Keep it quick, non-critical ("I would be very sad and lonely and worried if you were to leave for a year to go work overseas..I really don't want you to go"), and realize that they have ears and they HEAR what we're saying...unless it is said after 2 minutes into a conversation. Keep it quick. That's the key. There doesn't have to be a resolution right then and there. Have you (Or I) EVER gotten a resolution to anything that quickly...if at all? My honest belief is that it does not go in one ear and out the other...until it goes on too long and then the whole entire point you wanted to make is lost in the chaos. Demanding an answer/resolution right on the spot is pretty much going to ensure you get none. I cannot tell you...although I suspect you're heading in the right direction...how extremely difficult it is to relearn your entire way of doing things over night. I am a fixer...if I see chaos...or a decision that needs to be made...then I cannot rest until it is made/resolved. Learning to let that go, learning that making my point and walking away without the validation I demanded for all of those years, has been very difficult for me. Not even close to perfecting this yet...but I'm getting there. We tend to feel mistakenly that we are dealing with pepole who are like us...who can debate, discuss, and clear the air over any and every conflict within just minutes. I don't like leaving anything unresolved...and this isn't an issue for most every relationship in my life...except for my marriage. It was true, at one point, that if I just made my point and walked away he would more likely than not come to me later and apologize or at least acknowledge that he heard me. After staring the ADHD meds, stopping them cold turkey, unraveling for a few months, and then finally coming back around it seems he's lost this ability...and his ability to say "I'm sorry". Admittedly, I'm back to the same angry, resentful shell of a person I was before we had our 'clean slate' moment a couple of years ago...but with God's help and patience, I too feel like you..that we can be happy again.

He has an ex just like the one you describe. CS was paid on time every month from the day we moved in together...I know because I sent it. Yet she would still hound him for money and act like he was the devil if he didn't have it to give. She literally put us through HELL over money many times. We got custody of his daughter when she was 12 (she's 19 now) and would you know she didn't pay a DIME of CS the entire time? She didn't even get her birthday and/or Christmas presents for quite a few years. So glad that aspect of our marriage/problems is gone.

Anger

I totally see the anger thing...I am wayyyyyy more angry than I realized.  How I missed it I'm not sure, guess I just pushed it down so far that it wasn't on my radar.  I really miss me..the fun me, the me that would do almost anything once just for the hell of it.  I have changed so much in the last 5 years and although part of it was for the better, the rest wasn't.  Not sure how I missed that either...guess I was so busy trying to make everything "right" that it went right over my head.  Can you tell I have been doing alot of thinking lately...not sure if that's good or bad.

Going back to the counselor today, gonna get a plan to get me back.  I really like this one and he seems to "get it"  If the hubby wont go with me, well thats his choice...maybe someday he will realize that it takes two of us working on this.  He was doing the intern thing yesterday, with a bunch of people, so his ego is in the clouds again today.  Total shut down from me, its all about him and how many people wanted to be around him yesterday.  So as usual (when he decides that he likes that life better) he is in the bedroom, listening to music, shutting out the world.  My only day off this week and he wants nothing to do with me, story of my life.