One step forward...twenty steps back

Ok, I wasn't sure exactly where to put this so here it is and I need to vent...like NOW!!

So everything is still going quite well until oh Wednesday!  My DH went to the doctor for a refill on the Wellbutrin (he is having one hell of a time quitting smoking this time) and because the cough he has had is not going away.  In the last month he has had two ear infections and bronchitis......so while talking with the doctor she asked him about other symptoms.  He told her about being sick all the time, the weight gain, the tiredness.  Well she runs some test and all symptoms point to cancer (that he may have had for the last 2 years).  More tests next week, to get a concrete diagnosis (there is also a possibility of it being diabetes)....so this has thrown him into a tailspin (although he maintains it isn't bothering him).  He has now told me how he wants his funeral (ridiculous things like he wants a casket he can sit up in), how fast he wants me to "move on", etc....

Yesterday I found out that I got the job I have been really wanting: a bit more an hour, no weekends, no nights, no holidays.  He isn't even happy about it, he wants me to stay where I am even though its horrible hours and less pay.  To say the least I was in an awesome mood!  I also had measurements done to see how my fitness training is going and its going very well...I finally have biceps you can see and I have lost 40 pounds.  Well I was in a goofy mood so i was showing him my new muscles and his response was "your not even flexing", I figured he was just into his computer stuff so I walked away.  Well as I walked away hes like "why are you bothering me anyway".  I cant win he bitches when I'm in not in a "happy" mood all the time and accuses me of being too negative, but when I am in a really good mood I am bothering him.....arggggggg.

Ok I had to get that out of my system!  I knew you all would understand, when no one around here would have!  Have an awesome day! ~~HUGS~~

Ugh...just try and be

Ugh...just try and be patient. Do not blow off his claims, but do not over react about the cancer thing...something about that sounds fishy to me...like maybe he misunderstood or heard wrong. Hopefully it ends up being nothing serious. If the job is what you want then take it. Any chance he is threatened by you making more money and is intentionally trying to sabotage your attepts to improve your life? His "annoying" comment sounds like he is trying to rain on your parade. My counselor once told me that my DH behaves that way because he is jealous that he feels things come easy for me...and don't for him. Like I can set my mind to something and just do it...and isnt that easy for him...so he 'attacks' my mood due to jealousy. Ignore it. ((((hugs))))

UGH...is the only way to put it!

UGH...is the only way to put it!  I know hes not exaggerating because I talked to the doctor and I have seen all the paperwork for the tests they are running this week.  I am going to go with him to his next appointment, because as a certified Holistic Health Practitioner I have bunches of questions (doctors hate me..lol) and I want to make sure they test for any possibility instead of going "well most of your symptoms are X so we will just test for that".  I am probably one of the most patient people on the planet (or I wouldn't still be here) so that's not a problem.   

I already accepted the new job and gave my two weeks notice to my current one (12 days left and counting).  It feels sooo good to be moving in positive direction, its been a long four years trying to find a job I want instead of one I hate.  Now that I have been thinking about it, I think maybe he is a bit uneasy because the new job is at the same college he goes to, not to mention that it means I will no longer work weekends so we will be together alot more.  And this is a "forever job", the kind you retire from, so the talk about moving is over.  So unless I was offered the job of a lifetime we are here forever!  I think (and I may be over thinking it) that he is now in a position of there are no more excuses...I have proven that I can take care of myself and my needs.  He now has to make a decision of does he stay or does he go and then live with the consequences of that decision.  Not that he has threatened to leave in probably over a month, but he cant use me as the "problem" anymore.

One day at a time!  That's all I can do.....lots to think about!

~~HUGS~~ right back at ya...your awesome!

Results tomorrow

Well they have done all the tests...we have the appointment to get the results tomorrow.  I just keep praying its not cancer!!  I really don't think he will be able to handle it and it will throw him right off the cliff.  Trying hard not to stress....ahhhhhh!