I am a non-ADHD spouse married to an ADHD man, we have had our share of issues but I am wondering how I can better keep the peace. I am currently a graduate student & mother to 3 under 7yrs old. My husband feels no need to help lessen the load on me and it seems as if his interest is everything but our household. Another issue we are currently facing is that I have to manage everything in the house (appts, paying of bills, shopping, etc.) and when I make a plan for us (because he just won't) he always abruptly changes plans to do what benefits him and then we argue because he seems to not remember or has twisted the initial conversation to fit what he wanted. This makes me insane to the point that I will write down what I said or text it to him for proof later that it was him and not me. My husband always commits to helping around the house but hardly follows through without me having to ask him several times and a lot of times it turns into a war because it can be a week (or more) later and the chore still will not be done. I do not know if this is an ADHD issue since he seems to perform just fine at work. I have had to beg him to take 2 days off (or else he will work 7 days with no additional pay) as he works on cars (which is also his hobby) but he feels like even when they are closed he should be there to work on his hobby (car) as he put it, despite me needing help at home with the children as well as around the house. Also, I started grad school before his job so he knew my commitment usually required 40-60 hours of research per week (not including semesters I take class) but then decided that his wants were more important. I don't mean to sound like I am bashing him but truthfully, a PhD in a science field is what is going to carry our house and hopefully if he decides to, put him through some sort of schooling. I don't care about him going (or working on the car when it is home) the issue is that he does that FIRST and then always FORGETS his responsibilities at home. Instead of being home on Monday, like we agreed, he decided himself that he would go all day (8-5/6) and work on his car all day. This time could be used to help me with things like grocery shopping, cleaning around the house or a day-date where we don't have to find a sitter. My husband is irresponsible with money (spends on what he wants and has over-drafted the acct), impulsive with money, refuses to follow-through on anything other than his likes in life and really selfish. I do not know how to deal anymore.
Try the 30 second stare
Submitted by Geese on
Submitted by HopelessMomWife on
Thx. I will definitely try this!
Submitted by Geese on
we are in the same boat
Submitted by Emily1997 on
Is he dealing w/ his ADHD? Are you getting support yourself? Here is something my ADHD husband told me, "I saw no reason to take action because I knew you would. It wasn't until I was about to fall off a cliff that I started to pay attention." ...after I found out I was the only one trying to make our marriage work pretty much the entire time. Guard your health.
I hope he manages his issues and learns some tools to cope. There are great timers for this, even an app or phone alarm would work. Sometimes a song will work as in I have to get the garbage out by the time the song ends. Also if he has the sort of job where he can use that focus he might not have any left for his life w/ you. A therapist can help you sort this out. Activities to engage his mind differently might help. Music therapy has helped. Figure out one household thing he can handle and go from there. If it is grocery shopping, help make the list. Cooking, write the meal plan.
Keep an eye on the money issue even if it means setting up a account and only he uses that ATM card, no checks, either the money is there or it isn't. Make sure you establish/maintain credit in only your name, do the same in his. Agree on some purchase limit, not to be controlling or check but to temper the impulsiveness. I too have been taking care of everything in our household. It has damaged my mental/physical health. He was only diagnosed 3 yrs ago but did nothing to cope.
Your expression of his working on what is a priority to him hits home. I quit college and admire your ability to make it work. Perhaps you can negotiate an agreement of his work hours then tactfully remind him of the agreement a couple days prior and via text that day. Best to you.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on