I would like to thank all of you who have given me another perspective, and for providing invaluable support over the last 5 years. It means so much to have others to bounce ideas off of, without fear of being judged. I have found acceptance here...Thank You.
Now for my question.
How do I stop knee-jerk reacting to my fiance's actions and behaviors? "Just stop" is easier said than done. Things have been going well between us, even in this time of pandemic.
My fiance is a computer security expert, it has been his career for the past 8 years. He recently had RING security doorbells installed at his house--3 of them. He also installed one at my house for the front door. These doorbells have cameras, which allow the homeowner to see who is at the door, and communicate with the person without opening the door. He installed them because our other cameras failed.
When he came over to install my Ring cam, he linked his account to mine, via app on my phone, so that we could monitor each other's houses. Good idea, right? Yes and No. I found that the alert on my phone was going off every time he went out onto thr porch to sit in his rocking chair and smoke weed. ( A point of contention for me for those of you who have read my other posts. )
I had decided that he is gonna do what he's gonna do, damn the doctors. So I am no longer going to bring it up, he is 53 years old, and is responsible for his own health. So, I went into my app, and turned the notifications off for his "Porch" camera, so that I didn't get notified every time he was out there smoking. On his end, it notified him that I had turned the alerts off. He then changed the settings on just that camera to not viewable to me.
Because I turned off the notifications his reaction was to hide what he is doing. Same thing happened with Facebook. I was seeing so much B.S. from his "friends" and I didn't react well. He now has different groups on FB that he posts to, so that I cannot see every post he puts out there. My FB is an open book to him. I don't post to only certain people. If I cannot post it to everyone, I won't post it. I am connected to my son and daughter on FB, and if its something I wouldn't want them to see, I won't post it at all.
Any tips for me to not react? I'm normally good about this...must be the depression and stress that I've been under due to COVID, and isolating myself. I cannot be ticked off at him, he is just responding to my reaction.
Of course, I could have followed the old adage, one that I apply while perusing Facebook... "If You Don't Like It, Don't Look".
I really don't see your listed actions as knee jerk....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm more private I guess....I would not want anyone being able to see who is at my door other than myself, or other family members present in the home....And I would not want my iPhone dinging uselessly (like you were dealing with)....So even if I had agreed to mutual door surveillance ability...I would have ended nuisance alerts....I can see where the app. and door area viewing could be a good security item...I wouldn't want it activated unless I was going to be away from home for an vacation or extended period....I'm like you about the FB, I scroll past a lot of junk....And like you, if it's that bad, I can turn it off...
I think this thing you are calling knee jerk (which I understand quick decisions or choices, that I should have given more thought to before acting) happen's many times because of differences.....You have every right to choose what works for you, you are single, and even if you weren't, your comfort in life management issues is your choice to make......And many times us men, (especially husbands and long time boy friends) can "assume" because we think something is good to us, it must be good for everyone....That's not fair, it's attempting to think for another adult....That's a little controlling and can be seen as disrespectful if we push it....Rightfully so....
Privacy is almost a thing of the past w/ much of our society...That's not really OK for me....
c
Hi Adele
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I feel like the actions you took sound reasonable to me, and ones I could see myself taking to spare myself some anxiety. I guess the only thing you could do would be to let him know in advance, "I'm going to turn off the notifications for this camera so my phone doesn't beep every time you go out on your porch - I just wanted to let you know." I'm not sure if it would have made a difference, but maybe he would have interpreted it differently.
Before I left FB, I carefully controlled what I saw on there as well because certain things were triggers for me, including extremely tasteless jokes and friends who used it as a platform to spread rumours or falsify their lives. I can understand how you feel about certain content.
From an outsider's perspective, I wouldn't be hard on yourself about these things. Your reactions sound understandable to me.
Thank you, C and Melody.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I am generally a private person. I agreed to the original security cameras partly because my daughter was living with my ex-husband every other week, and for the last 3 years, I'd been staying with my fiance the weeks she wasn't with me. My fiance thought it would be a good idea because I was not home, and would add a layer of security.
My daughter (17) thinks the cameras are "stupid". Regardless, it was my decision to keep them. Also, if you aren't doing anything shady, you don't have anything to hide, right? Before I had cameras, a neighbor destroyed my property. He cut down my privet shrubs, which acted as a privacy fence between his front yard and mine. He did NOT have my permission, and waited until he knew I was at my fiancee's house before cutting them down and tearing out the roots. Also, the cameras have come in handy, as they show if my daughter has friends over when I am not at home--which has not really been an issue.
I'm getting better with accepting the things I cannot change.