What would it be like to not have to read, research, make adjustments, soul search and the like? How would it be without having to figure out your last straw or how to live peaceably in such a difficult situation. We talk all the time about self-care. It's very important that we exercise self-care. It also seems like we, collectively, spend an inordinate amount of time on the aforementioned activities, in an effort to understand ADHD and react to situations beyond our control. To learn, to try to control the uncontrollable. Lately, I've been struck by how much brain space all of this takes. It's probably not healthy, but I find I think about all of this often - too much. I wake up and during my commute, I'm thinking about how to resolve everything financially, how to keep my husband on track, how to get him moving so the house can sell, how to find some peace during this awful transition time. I have to spend time actively working on my and actively finding ways to communicate with my husband because the way I communicate with the rest of the world doesn't work. I've read and researched exhaustively. I've thought and pondered and analyzed. I've looked inside and I've looked outside. My husband? Not so much. Really, not AT ALL. I'm not the only one with a partner who finds something as simple as keeping up with a prescription to be too difficult. It's all the little things and all the big things that add up. Checking and re-checking. Figuring out work arounds and solutions. Taking on too much because... well we all know why.
How would it be if I didn't have all of this cramming my brain? What else could I accomplish with all of this time? What would real peace with my own thoughts, and not someone's elses problems, in my brain feel like? The closest I've come is a 7 day vacation last year. It took 2 days to relax (seriously). I still had intrusive thoughts during my vacation (because I could see my H draining his bank account while I was gone).... but, when I returned home, I realized how relaxed and calm I was because I was only in my own life and my own thoughts. And thoughts of people I love and who love me and make me happy to spend time with. It's not like thoughts of my H are good ones - or routine ones I should say. I'm not thinking about nice things and how much I enjoy his company and (at this point) not looking to plan activities or do nice things for him. How would that feel? It would have to feel great to be in a partnership like that. A friend of mine said recently, that she won't accept anyone in her life who doesn't make her break out into a big smile when he walks up. Good words. What would that life look like? Can I even do it? Do I even know how anymore?