What would it be like to not have to read, research, make adjustments, soul search and the like? How would it be without having to figure out your last straw or how to live peaceably in such a difficult situation. We talk all the time about self-care. It's very important that we exercise self-care. It also seems like we, collectively, spend an inordinate amount of time on the aforementioned activities, in an effort to understand ADHD and react to situations beyond our control. To learn, to try to control the uncontrollable. Lately, I've been struck by how much brain space all of this takes. It's probably not healthy, but I find I think about all of this often - too much. I wake up and during my commute, I'm thinking about how to resolve everything financially, how to keep my husband on track, how to get him moving so the house can sell, how to find some peace during this awful transition time. I have to spend time actively working on my and actively finding ways to communicate with my husband because the way I communicate with the rest of the world doesn't work. I've read and researched exhaustively. I've thought and pondered and analyzed. I've looked inside and I've looked outside. My husband? Not so much. Really, not AT ALL. I'm not the only one with a partner who finds something as simple as keeping up with a prescription to be too difficult. It's all the little things and all the big things that add up. Checking and re-checking. Figuring out work arounds and solutions. Taking on too much because... well we all know why.
How would it be if I didn't have all of this cramming my brain? What else could I accomplish with all of this time? What would real peace with my own thoughts, and not someone's elses problems, in my brain feel like? The closest I've come is a 7 day vacation last year. It took 2 days to relax (seriously). I still had intrusive thoughts during my vacation (because I could see my H draining his bank account while I was gone).... but, when I returned home, I realized how relaxed and calm I was because I was only in my own life and my own thoughts. And thoughts of people I love and who love me and make me happy to spend time with. It's not like thoughts of my H are good ones - or routine ones I should say. I'm not thinking about nice things and how much I enjoy his company and (at this point) not looking to plan activities or do nice things for him. How would that feel? It would have to feel great to be in a partnership like that. A friend of mine said recently, that she won't accept anyone in her life who doesn't make her break out into a big smile when he walks up. Good words. What would that life look like? Can I even do it? Do I even know how anymore?
Sounds like heaven
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I also wonder what that would be like. I've been in relationships like that before, certainly, and they were lovely. Why did I choose to make my biggest, longest lasting relationship with someone with ADHD?
Submitted by Kitty Jo on
Ahh, but that is what happens. The people with ADHD at first do make you smile. The obsess over you like no one else. For a while. And you are trapped before you notice.
Well that might be one way
Submitted by Jon on
Well that might be one interpretation of how it happens. Mine is that you start a relationship being honest about the issues you have faced your whole life and in no time at all that kindly understanding is replaced with endless score keeping, not stop criticism and 1001 reasons why you are a broken irredeemable basket case that is responsible for destroying the lives of everyone you care about. If you are real lucky you might find yourself being told constantly that it was a terrible mistake to have had your children and be expected to come to terms with the suggestion they stay with you out of pity because you are a so dysfunctional and broken.
I don't honestly know why ANYONE even attempts to have and hold a relationship with a person who has ADHD. That said, as a person WITH ADHD I also know I would avoid long term living relationships like the plague if I had my time all over again, to me they are nothing but a sure fire path to misery and overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
Vabeachgal, brain exhaustion
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I too, spend too much time thinking about these same issues. I know DH does not. He does have what he describes as "racing thoughts". Unless he purposely focuses. But then again, it won't be on me or how to better the marriage.
When he was first diagnosed 2007, he listened to the tapes of " Driven to Distraction, then gave them to me.He was thrilled to know he had this great "gift" of ADHD, because so many other prominent people had had this also. I didn't get that impression from the book, and I was angry that he saw it as a "gift" and not something we needed to work through and on. (It was the only one he read)
It does get hurtful at times knowing they won't or don't want to look into their own condition, and expect us to know how to get along with them. It takes TWO to make a marriage work,and we just don't get that. Why choose to stay ignorant about something SO important? I would see him as being stronger, more in tuned and respond even better if he would do this, so why stay in one place? Questions. I would like to see a book from ADHD people who were this way but then chose to change their lives. (A collection of stories) and read their journals of the process they went through and why.
I like this post VBG....
Submitted by c ur self on
It gave me some thoughts....One is where I've improved with the intrusive thoughts that has haunted me most of our marriage...Your life and the way you view and deal w/ your spouse, and your thoughts about him...they use to be so myself, and if I'm not careful still can be...It is very difficult to not Mother, and have that fear on us...Fear of what they might do....(finances, faithfulness, messiness etc..)...I don't know how people do it w/o boundaries...I would never share finances and accounts w/ my spouse...It would more than likely end us, and even if it didn't it wouldn't take long to realize what a mistake it was....
I have learned that I can enjoy life w/ my wife....*IF* I accept how different we think, respect her rights, maintain my rights...And keep boundaries in place to protect us both....
I truly hope you can find the place where you don't concern yourself (intrusive and fearful thinking) so much about his actions...The three biggest things that has helped me (us) w/ this over thinking and fear is....1) acceptance of our differences 2) Boundaries 3) Coming to the end of my patients w/ much of her life style (non add stuff) and asking her to either do the work of the marriage happily and lovingly, or leave....We have to reach a point where we don't care which they choose. As long as peace is the product....Or at least I did....
There comes a point when we have to accept that living alone and peaceful is better than trying to live w/ someone who doesn't make their spouse and their marriage a priority....Or it did for me....
this makes so much sense to me
Submitted by dvance on
Wow. This post hit me hard today. Here's the deal: my 18 year old ADHD son, recent high school grad who took this year off (fine by me) is coming home from 3 months in Costa Rica. And my DH, also ADHD, has been living in Houston since September 1, coming home every other weekend and I usually don't talk to him on the phone in between. The past several months without the two of them have been HEAVEN and you are 100% correct--way too much of MY brain space is taken up worrying about THEM and what THEY are or are not doing and how I might have to clean up the mess. I am NOT looking forward to either of them being home because once again, it will be full time in-my-face how much they cannot or will not do. It started already on texts with my son and DH rarely chimes in, just lets the conversation roll on.
But that is not the point--I feel the same way as you do. When I pull into the garage and his car is already there I have to take a deep breath and talk myself down do I can deal with him when I walk in the door. It's ridiculous. I am the one who can't sleep because the budget/money stuff is swirling in my head. He sleeps fine. I am the one fretting over the family calendar while I can't get him to post his travel plans on it for love or money. I have imaginary conversations with him in my head all the time and then I take a breath and say-let it go-he doesn't care. What a way to be married.
Battling our own minds dvance....
Submitted by c ur self on
(When I pull into the garage and his car is already there I have to take a deep breath and talk myself down do I can deal with him when I walk in the door. It's ridiculous.)
This is something many us that are willing to be truthful encounters or has encountered at times...The only way I've be able to move past this to some degree is to STOP feeling responsible for what happens to them. By the time a person is 18 they are pretty much making all their own choices...I only feel the anxiety when I think I have to battle them so I can force them to see the light....(right choices)...It's just a trap, and the anxiety surges in us, because we know the kick back we will get when we offer advice for responsible living...
There are no short cuts to maturity and responsible living, and it isn't something I can share w/ a closed or immature mind, who thinks they have it figured out...I hope you can continue to experience the peace in their presents that you do in their absents...I suggest you try to not allow yourself to own or feel responsible for what isn't yours to own...
Find out. Leave and go live
Submitted by MariaL on
Find out. Leave and go live your life. Away from him.
Submitted by vabeachgal on
The divorce is being finalized. The house needs to be sold. The final conversations have been had.
Without two people working on it, it's not a healthy relationship. Otherwise, it ends up being unhealthy adaptation.
Submitted by Goldilox73 on
Omg, I could’ve written your original post myself. What would life be like? To not walk on eggshells? Or have to phrase things just right? Or not take a risk starting a serious conversation? To not THINK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME?? And research, research, research....all while he focuses on things he finds important? Ah, I don’t know what that would be like. But, I empathize greatly with you. And feel those same sentiments. Thank you for posting. I feel less alone with my own struggles.