"A person only has this minute, or this hour, or this day to work with, and what you do with it is your choice. I could fritter it away with fear, resentment and worry, or I could turn it to some more pleasant or productive purpose. Either way, no one is watching to chastise me for my choice. This is a great relief. I had always felt that my every move was being scrutinized, as if I was the center of the universe and on the verge of being found wanting. it is delightful to learn that I am free to make mistakes, to do more or less than I had planned and even to squander time. That freedom helps me to want to make good healthy choices for myself."*
This is from Al-anon. There seems to be so many correlations to living with ADD and to an alcoholic....and for me, my dh is an ADDer who self medicates with beer and tobacco and playing puzzles. He uses conversation time, not to share information or "build" upon but rather as a "sales tool" to manipulate a situation...to hide his drinking or to hide his errant actions/in-actions. Dh uses these distractions to soothe himself rather than communication or taking care of things. What he thinks is "getting by" or "getting away with" I think of as lies.
Us spouses of ADDers should start a 12 step program for US to understand ourselves and stay sane(which is what al-anon does for the spouses). We cannot change them....only ourselves. We have no power to MAKE them be different than they are. We can only let them fall down and feel the pain of their own chaos and lack of responsibility. Then, MAYBE they will want to change some bad habits they have come to use to cope. Because right now, their coping tools are working for them...letting them put things "out of mind". But THEIR bad habits have become OUR family problem.
*paraphrased from "How Al-anon Works".
First step: "We admitted we are powerless over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable".
Second step: "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."