Outbursts

Hi.  My husband has ADHD & he will sometimes get very angry & yell about minor things.  I guess what makes it all the more frustrating is that he doesn't seem to feel there is anything wrong with his behavior or any need to apologize for it.  If I try to tell him that I don't like the way he is treating me he will go ballistic.  So I have to try to ignore it the best I can.  But sometimes this makes me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, like I should somehow be setting better boundaries.  Plus, over time it can lead to a build-up of frustration in our relationship.  Because no matter how angry he gets I can never get angry back because then he will go absolutely insane.  It is hard when one person is expressing so much anger & you aren't allowed to be angry in return.  

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this difficulty.

of course,

yes I have always experienced this with my husband,but the level of anger and frustration with him is far beyond repair,we are on a week break now soon to be for good,he has made it very clear to me that if he is not happy he is no good to no one(he told that to everyone one of his past relationships) and he is NOT happy.His anger is very bad and the tantrums he throws are insane.I know how painful this could be.I tried to work things out for 2 years now but I have never gotten far with it,it's always spinning round and round.This never ends trust me unless they themselves want to change.I think my husband is to ashamed of his past and the things he has done has made him a very bad person in the real world,in his ADHD mind he thinks of it as great and never wrong,but in the real world that is not so.He lacks focus and he is on heavy drugs(marijuana) and it is frying up the remainders of his functional brain.I love him,but I love me more.

I know for a fact that it can't get more worse than this for me the worse is here,it's time for me to make the next move.

I wish you the best of luck.

lovehurts.

of course...

I am reading blogs lately and it is just amazing all the similar relationships with this disorder. I too met my husband over nine years ago and if i could do over again..would have steered clear! He cherished me in the beginning (just as i am readingthe blogs), he moved right in on me as he was living with his son (when he was 53 years old)....I was just out of a 20 year marriage and havelaways had a hard time saying no! My first red flag should have been when he filed for bankruptsy for the 3rd time and he had no rent to pay or anything..i owned my own home, free and clear....but,  I looked right in the other direction, then he got fired form his job for being racest, one of amny jobs he would go through. Then I had a site develpment company and built a new home on 5 acres with a huge barn as he always wanted a horse.....I not only paid over $7,000 for the horse, was also bought him a very nice saddle and clothes etc. We even paid him weekely to oversee the building of the house only because we didn't know where else to put him. To make a long story shorter....he never paid a dime for living expenses or for the horses...he would spend what money he made foolishly, and he would always expect that because we were married that half is his. I did get a pre-nup before the marriage (smart advise). We have seperated over 3 times now...each time i paid for his living expenses away, fixed his truck etc. He is about to get his military retirement in another couple of months, but, I really don't think I can make it with him anymore....I have tried and tried..even have paid for his meds...totally clean up after him...he is a horder as well as his mother....always had to wash the vehicles and clean out the garage and I could go on and on. According to his doctor, he is off the charts with adhd. The older he gets the worse he is and the meds only make him more hyper and hard to be around. There are days that seem a bit better, but, then he lashes out, curses at things and always thinks so highly of himself....if he could at least be a partner on the financial would be great...but, am tired of reading that the non-adhd spouses have to make the changes! I have made all the changes and it still does not do any good. Even my daughter refuses to come and see me as most my family as they have a hard time being around him. Am not going to feel sorry for him anymore....I need to be taken care of emotionally and financially...he has stripped me of both! I believe there are different ranges of the adhd and depending on that, a decision needs to be made after a certain time when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Soon as he can afford to be on his own, hopefully when he gets his retirement..he will be on his own. It is extremely hard to live with someone with his type of adhd!

Yes!!

There is no such thing as being angry at my husband. There will always be a penalty. This obviously impedes normal communication. In all my relationships I've never seen nor heard anything like this whatsoever. It's like a living nightmare. The actual outbursts are somewhat helped by an antidepressant. Doesn't mean we communicate. That will never happen, I'm quite sure.

My ADHD hubby has spent most

My ADHD hubby has spent most of his life spinning himself up and then fizzing out. Typically it's because he's upset about something else and then the little thing is what sets him off. Have you attempted to talk to him when he's not upset about something? It came out during one of our counseling sessions that I thought it inappropriate for him to threaten to break or throw things because he was so upset. He didn't really comment about it in front of the counselor, but after the session, he admitted that he shouldn't do stuff like that and would stop doing it. And he did. However, this past Friday he was snapped over some things because he's been stressed. He turned to put a hole through the bedroom door but I called him down for it (we rent and I'm not losing a deposit because he can't control his anger). I eventually gave him an old shirt and he cut it/tore it to ribbons with a pocket knife. Not the best solution but at least it was "controlled" and he felt better afterwards.

Ultimately, getting angry back is cathartic, but in the end it doesn't help. As much as I want to yell and carry on at him sometimes, I find it less stressful/tiring if I just try to reason with him.

Yeah, I agree with you that

Yeah, I agree with you that getting angry in return is not the solution... but what I want isn't to yell at him, I want to be able to say to him that the way he is behaving makes me feel hurt and angry and then I want him to *UNDERSTAND* how I feel & ideally say he's sorry & comfort me.

Our last apartment had a hole in the wall, so I can definitely relate.

Me, too

That is what I want too, so much. Sometimes I stop and look at it and I can't believe what seems normal. 

Have wanted comfort,

Have wanted comfort, validation, someone to care about my needs and all the normal stuff which is why I have kept trying and trying. But, unfortunately...things never change....same chapter over and over..been 10 years now and I know that to find happiness I need to move on. My husband has never seen all the ways I have tried to help him,but I can't be his mother, caretaker, financial backer etc anymore. If they really try, am sure they can overcome some of the flaws of adhd...but, they have to want to try! My case it works for a couple of weeks, then it is back to the usual stuff....not good for the emotions!