An amazing thing happened over dinner a couple of nights ago. J Jamieson had been talking recently about denial - and how tricky or impossible it is to get into some topics when denial is at play. He had suggested going through the back door so that the denial is not openly confronted - allowing your partner to feel safe and not attacked. I couldn't tangibly get the concept but it has stuck in my mind. So back to dinner. We were having a lovely dinner and then out of no where my H launched into the usual 'victim' attack about everything that is wrong and how poorly he has been treated all his life. Something must have triggered it but he had gone into the red zone and I couldn't reach him. At that time all you can think of is 'damn - here we are back to stage 1'. We went back to our room and J Jamieson's advice about coming in the back door or doing something totally different to what you have tried before came to mind. Normally I would either get angry, or withdraw.
So instead I showed love. I gave him a hug, said that i loved him, and said I was going to lay on our bed and read my book, and when he was ready I would appreciate it if he joined me and gave me a cuddle. Absolutely amazing outcome. His anger went, he actually apologised, and that blip on the radar hasn't spoiled our week. Showing love allowed him to recover with dignity and respect for both us.