Where to start?!

I am a Non-ADHD wife to an ADHD husband who was diagnosed at Elementary school age, together we have a 3 year old and 1 year old.. he is in the military in process of being discharged due to overstaffing after nearly 14 years and I am a stay at home Mom. I try not to dwell on things that have happened in the past, but it's seemingly impossible for me to not. I have become very angry, very resentful, overweight, isolated and just feel completely hopeless at times. My husband works a relatively normal schedule amongst his many appointments while in process of transitioning back to the civilian world. We have spent the passed 2 years in a place that has only put more stress on our marriage and overall quality of life. My only two friends I've made have left, my husbands only friend has left...  we have relied on each other but are fully aware we need other healthy outlets in order to succeed - which in 4 weeks when we move we will finally have family surrounding us and a chance to hopefully begin fresh.

As of now, we are caught in a downward spiral of unhealthy communication and disconnect. To add to our emotions, our 3 year old has just been prediagnosed with ADHD also along with OCD to be further evaluated in 3 weeks by a child psychologist professional. While at home, my husband is BEYOND disconnected and distracted. 90% (if not more) of his time is spent sitting at his computer, back turned from EVERYTHING, watching anime cartoons or playing video games. The video gaming doesn't so much bother me, as I know it is an outlet and I also at times join in with him and it is something that does connect us. We have tried setting up scheduling, but he never follows through and always loses track of time or forgets what he has said to me. When he does step in with parenting, he is typically amazing and fun or the extreme opposite as an overwhelmed disciplinary. I have tried desperately  to get him to dedicate at least one hour ONCE a week to spending with me, but he won't do it. He says he loves me, I don't doubt that he does - but I don't know what much else I can do. I don't feel like an HOUR is much to ask for - but he just can't give it to me. Our daughter has added stress with her defiance, tantrums, outbursts and her own frustration of having a lack of maturity to comprehend what we expect from her. We were supposed to go to family counseling weeks ago, but he never followed up with his referral and the DAY OF our first appointment he had to cancel for insurance reasons to be fixed the next week but he still hasn't done it even with reminders. Housework? Yeah, that's all me...  I just recently spent 3 days scrubbing down the house from top to bottom and then in less than half a day the kids and him trashed it and it's expected to all be picked up again by me. During the day parenting my children is my full time job. My daughter needs constant attention and acknowledgement of being who she is, and I appreciate that but it makes it difficult to accomplish much else. At bedtime we both typically participate to put the kids down, then he is right back on his computer and I am maybe watching a show before getting dishes done and laundry folded along with picking up the house for the next morning. His ONE responsibility is to take out the trash, and it will be overflowing before I usually just do it myself because asking him to do it typically leads to me nagging - and I HATE being the Naggy Wife. So back to his computer usage..  I know he watched porn regularly but I think I am unsure how often in fact he does. I am lucky to get intimate regularly unless it is "scheduled in" but that doesn't even always work. He stays up until 12-1 on nights he doesn't have to work the following mornings and usually until like 5 or 6 AM when he has off the next. I get up EVERY SINGLE MORNING BY MYSELF with the kids, which is causing severe resentment. I have pleaded for help, with little resolve. I am exhausted every morning myself, because foolishly I keep myself awake until around midnight just in hopes of getting 10 minutes alone with him - which won't happen. When he does finally come to bed, he turns his tablet on to watch more cartoons with his back turned to me again. I feel ugly, I feel unappreciated, I feel beyond alone and so frustrated. I've begun working out, and eating healthy to lose weight but he just kept criticizing every single thing. He thinks by being so honest and blunt that he is helping me succeed, but really it is just damaging my self-esteem even more and comes off as harsh and like he's talking to one of the guys rather than his wife.  We know that we need counseling, but I don't see it happening unless I just start going by myself but I don't see that fixing our issues together. I have worked on my anger, and I try not to scream... I am the type of person to take most things out on myself until I explode in a bomb of emotional tears and incomprehensible words of despair. I know I need help. How do I get it? We have no reliable sitter here for the children, it's hard for me to trust people because I have been constantly let down where we are now.... we have one car, leaving me home mostly all the time... Whenever I leave him home with the kids he still stays on his computer and I come home to a huge mess.... I am close to my breaking point.


Where can I go from here? Am I doing something wrong? I never thought for a second that I wouldn't be with this man forever, but there have been moments of doubt to that as of recent. Maybe our move and family will bring relief? Maybe getting counseling will help us get back on the same page with parenting, and early intervention for our daughter will just make it easier to parent her anyway? Reading other forums, I feel I am not alone - yet here I feel completely alone.. does that make sense? My husband read the book by Melissa, or I thought he read the whole thing  -  but upon opening our Nook I see he didn't complete it and he confirmed he meant to but forgot - and still hasn't months later. I feel so much anxiety, I am off my anti-depressants because they make me feel worse and my new eating habits and working out has helped but there's more missing.


I need encouragement. I need this man in my life, he is truly a wonderful person with unconditional love (just seemingly can't show it)...  he can be so angry and explosive one moment but forgiving and supportive the next. This is a rollercoaster, but I know all marriages can be and it usually helps you bond and grow closer with each bump right? I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I want the man back that I fell in love with - I know he is still in there....  I feel like I've jumped all over with this post here, but I am so overwhelmed and just needed to speak it all out...