I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 30's, and with the diagnoses, allot of my life came into focus, and it did not look good. I receive mental health care through Veteran Affairs, and they will not treat me with medication. I have such a difficult time being present in the moment I miss so much when it comes to my wife, and to a lesser extent my daughter (my daughter and I are hyperactive over the same activities).
My wife and I have the same fights every few months, all of which has to do with my inattentiveness and hyperactivity. She feels alone and unloved when it goes unchecked. I see the pain it is causing her, but I don't usually see it until after the fight is over, and I feel horrible and self-destructive. I used to cut reminders into my arms and legs to “slow down” and “Stay Focused”, as all my other strategies failed. This does not help and breaks trust even more.
Once the fight is over the brakes get slammed, I go back to all my checklists, making sure to hit every box so I don't cause my wife more pain, but risks becoming systematic. I do well for a month or so (my best estimate) then I grow so exhausted because the lists are endless and everything spirals. I have no idea how to find balance, or where to even begin, it's like I've been dropped in the ocean and told to find land on my own.
My wife is loving and compassionate and will help in whatever I manage to come up with, but I'm always trying to do everything alone, she tells me this is my battle to fight, and to do better. She is aware my doctors won't treat me for anything other than my PTSD/Depression, but still wants me to find solutions, and fight the good fight. I need to find a way that is more sustainable and need help on where to start.
Thank you for reading and I appreciate any help someone can provide.
Can you have an in-fight reminder?
Submitted by Dagmar on
Things between my husband and I improved a million percent after he stopped being defensive during our fights. I would point something out that had been making me crazy, he would get angry and say it was "only once" and that I was being too demanding. Then I would point out how often he would do these things, repeat, repeat, repeat.
So is there a "safe word" your wife can give you to stop you during these arguments to have you realize you're doing it again? Something to make you think about it before it escalates? And can you at least accept that when that happens you both should take a break?
Submitted by c ur self on
It's difficult to be a man, and walk around telling yourself you are wrong all the time....Work on your priorities (change your loves)...Your probably no different from my wife...(Hyper focus on Pokemon, TV, thrill seeking and good times)....This isn't as much about ADHD as it is your time is being lost in a childish manner....Your wife shouldn't be your challenge, she should be viewed as your prize....Until you can redirect your thoughts and energy to that grown man (mature) thinking, you will always be the little boy who is full of shame, when his wife is frustrated over being alone even in your presence...
This life your living is the perfect example of a mind, and choices, that should always stay single...You can never be drug into arguments, because of your self absorbed (selfish) life style, if you never take on the responsibilities...If we as men and husbands aren't going to daily love and tend to the work of the relationship (FIRST), we will always be just a heavy burden to our spouses....
Best with a partner?
Submitted by ealric on
I'm new to here as of today. I have not been diagnosed yet, but I have an appointment coming up. From what I read, this is done best with support from the spouse. However, I concede that it sounds like you may need to get a start on all of the help yourself, and then involve her. While I have yet to find really good group resources, I have read that attending ADHD group meetings with and without the partner is very helpful. the partner then gets to hear from other people, which sounds like it helps convice her of what you are going through and need.
I wish I could help more, but I'm not educated/experienced enough yet. Plus, I'm about a hair away from divorce, myself -- I think ADHD played a large role in my own failings in the relationship, but will not state this as fact until I see the doctors, etc. Also, I suspect my wife has some ADHD and she certainly has some traumas that are keeping her blast shields up from me, and won't engage to try to repair the relationship.
Please learn from me and don't wait too long.