I'm recently diagnosed ADHD, my 18 yr old is diagnosed ADHD and my bf is ADD since childhood.
When I met my bf he told me he was ADD. I didn't know anything about it and he seemed like a GREAT guy and I fell in love. He still IS a great guy but it turns out he lied about his financial life... a complete disaster. And somehow as bad as it was when I met him, it's only gotten worse. His truck was repo'd and he's getting letters from the IRS but he does absolutely nothing about any of it. What's going to happen if I marry him?? I want to... I've wanted to marry him for a long time. Before he came along and at one time, I had literally perfect credit. I had to juggle bills but I paid them and on time. Over the years as things in my life changed, it became harder to keep up and I started to slip. My financial life may have gone south but wow, there are things I never knew.
Like how to get your bank account closed unwillingly because you find yourself with overdrafts that you can't cover. I've had 2 closed, he's had 2 or 3. One of mine was because I paid a bill when I thought I had enough money but was like $5 negative and he had almost no income at the time and I didn't have enough for all of us and next thing you know, my account is racking up overdraft fees and I owe like $350. Which is total bs but hey, it was my fault to begin with. They closed my account and sent my info to a collection agency. We don't have cable anymore, can't afford it. Internet and cell phones are routinely disconnected. I spent years taking care of all these things and making sure everything was paid but I finally burned out.
My doc put me on anxiety meds just to get me thru the day. Just to try to deal with my son and my bf. They refuse to be adults so I have to. My bf has never once paid rent in the 10 yrs we've been together. He has never once written a check. But in the house we're in now, he has a mancave and I have no personal space at all. He sleeps in the bedroom but snores so I sleep on the couch. And when he gets mad he throws personal insults but after years of that I finally threw some back and now whenever he gets mad he brings that up and is all wounded. And with no regard whatsoever for the things he's said to me.
My son is disrespectful to the core. He doesn't follow house rules at all. When he yells at me I tell him he needs to move out. He has done this countless times. He moves out and comes back several days or a few weeks later. He bangs on the door or rings the doorbell relentlessly. Our dogs go nuts and he is absolutely incapable of listening to reason or admitting that he has done anything wrong. And even though the house rules have been in place almost his entire life, he insists that he doesn't know what they are and routinely breaks them.
My bf has been a huge advocate for my son but now that my son is grown, I'm the adult for both of them AND my 22 yr old spec needs son.
Sometimes the cloud seems to lift and I manage to reach both of them and we talk and it seems like things are finally going to be ok but then it always goes back to rock bottom. I love my bf. I feel like he's my forever guy. And of course I love my son but he has turned into someone I don't even know anymore.
Today was really bad. My teenager did his usual. My bf didn't pay the water bill and it got shut off. And I was home all day. I actually called the water company wanting to know why the water pressure had trickled to a stop. Last month it was the electric.
I hope that I will reread this post in the near future and say, wow, I'm sure glad it's not like THAT anymore but for now it is. And I am stressed to the core and completely overwhelmed.
ps My bf got home while I was finishing up this post. I was mad about the water and he actually started talking to me. I told him I would take back the responsibility of paying the bills but he'd have to cut up his one and only debit card, live on an allowance and not complain to me when he ran out of money before the week is up. He was more than happy to do it. It's the first time we've ever done this so wish us luck.
avoid that 'parent/child' dynamic!
Submitted by ellamenno on
I'm thinking if you start giving him an 'allowance' like you're his mom, things will get worse really fast.
Keep your finances separate. You need to be able to take care of yourself and your son.
I hope things get better - are any/all of you taking medication?
You've got a point there.
Submitted by karenb7 on
You've got a point there. I'll have to figure out something to make it work.
Yes, we're on meds. Going to try some diet things too. I already know I have a dairy sensitivity. I break out every time I have dairy. No joke.
Anyway, thanks for your response :)
Wow! You sound totally
Submitted by hopefulspouse37 on
Wow! You sound totally overwhelmed! I hope things have gotten better since your last post. I had a few thoughts while reading your post. First of all, I am a spouse of a man who has ADD. We don't have children yet. We were together for a long time before my spouse was diagnosed with ADD and there have been times when I've felt exhausted and overwhelmed.
One of the things we were told by our couples counselor is that many people with ADD also have ODD. And even if they don't officially have ODD, sometimes people with ADD can seek out arguments because the act of arguing can be stimulating, and people with ADD seek out stimulation. It is not something they do with intent. I don't mean to say that people with ADD are always the source of a fight. I can identify may times where I have lacked patience with my husband's issues and my impatience and lack of understanding has been the source of the struggle. However, there have been times where it seemed like my husband was pushing my buttons for no good reason and instigating an argument for the sake of argument. We also learned that children of people with ADD often have ADD. You did not mention what makes your son special needs but I wonder if he also has ADD/ODD from the way you talk about him disregarding the rules etc?
I don't know your situation but it seems like there need to be some boundaries set for your son and bf. Is your son capable of functioning on his own? If so and he is 22 years old, he should be employed and living in his own residence. If he is not employed, he should be actively seeking full time employment and a place of his own to live. This may sound harsh but if he is not respecting the rules of your home, you should invite him to find another place to be.
I only say these things because you mentioned he will leave for a few days at a time which would indicate he is capable of caring for himself despite being special needs. If that is not the case, and he needs daily support, then there may be alternatives within your community and/or he may still be able to work. It seems as if, from your post, he may be taking advantage of the situation and of you....like he's learned that if he leaves he can always return and continue to create problems within the house hold. I think you will feel much better if you put your foot down and let him know that is unacceptable. While it might be very hard to do, you might even see a positive change in your son once he has to live on his own.
As far as your bf and the bills, your post reads like you divided the finances for a time between you and your bf. Is that right? This might be why you have lost track and feel overwhelmed. I don't think you should put your bf on an allowance because this really does foster more of the parent/child relationship that is very destructive to a relationship. Speaking from experience, neither of your needs will be sufficiently met if this dynamic is allowed to continue. If you feel you really must take over paying the bills because it is simply not a strength of your bf, then the two of you should make sure that your bf is doing something else for the household that is equally beneficial. There must be something he does well and would agree to do regularly that would take a load off of you? The thing my spouse and I had to learn is that we are a team and we both have places we fall short. Also, if your bf isn't taking any medication for his ADD, you might find that helpful as it has helped us out a lot. Good luck!
Hi hopeful :) Is that
Submitted by karenb7 on
Hi hopeful :) Is that oppositional defiant disorder? I think my son is probably suffering from that. Yes, actually my 22 yr old is spec needs in that he is MR, developmentally delayed, cerebral palsy... he'll either be living at home or in a group home for life. And he is definitely not a behavior problem :) On the other hand, my 18 yr old.. wowzer. I really need to put him in a mental hospital. To at least get him fully diagnosed and on appropriate meds. I was having way too much trouble with the only pediatric psychiatrist in our network. He started him on 20mg Adderall and would only increase by 5mg when we said it wasn't working... and you know that was at every 2 week follow-up! He refused to increase it more! And it was working just enough that we knew it needed to be bumped up. Arrrgghh!! And sometimes when you have adhd to begin with, you're lucky just to have made the appointment and follow-thru with showing up! So double arrgghh!!