Overwhelmed and married for 24 years

Hi, I am new to this forum but so glad I found it.  I am 45 my husband is 49 and we have two teenage children.  Our son age 15 has severe autism and was diagnosed at age 3 and with epilepsy age 11.  Our daughter is 17 and planning on university next year, she also has issues (not entirely sure if she has ADHD).

For a long time I thought my husband may have Aspergers Syndrome which is on the autism spectrum (high functioning, can hold down a job). However it turns out that he may not have it but has ADHD. These last few weeks have been hell for us both and it was a true lightbulb moment when I read up on ADHD. Our son was tested for this age 9 but he doesnt have it.  There are so many similarities with Aspergers and ADHD!

My husband and I are two very different people, I knew this from the moment we got together 25 years ago. There was something so incredibly attractive about him, life and soul, a comedian, very attentive in our courtship days and hyperfocused. We were very much in love with one another and we still are but for years we have argued and beat each other up with so many things.  He is incredibly like our daughter, they can have long conversations about nothing in particular and will go into great detail, both great philosophers! I have learnt over the years to let them get on with it but have felt incredibly pushed out and alone too, he is so attentive to her partly because he feels that she has had it tough having an autistic brother, granted this has undoubtedly had an impact on her. They have a great understanding of one another, I have felt so resentful that they are so close but my husband is really trying hard to see my side of things, he is unable to discipline her like I can.

We have argued because we have had so much confusion about one another, so many misunderstandings, we constantly talk to try and understand one another but its so tiring. I have tried to leave a couple of times over the years but I love this man with all my heart and soul, but he is struggling so much with depression, anxiety, excessive talkativeness, hyperactive, hyperfocused on his job (he works in medical sales). I am trying to be as supportive as I can with him right now but its incredibly difficult when he is so oppositional about so many things, including involving our home. For instance for ages I have wanted to renovate the house, we can afford it but means increasing our mortgage but he just won't do it. Renovating will mean that it will enable our son to be more independent. My husband has major issues with money, he doesnt like to let go of it at all, he works hard for his family and doesnt want the upheaval. I feel I have to put all my plans on hold all of the time, I think of ways to try and improve our lives in order to move forward but he just wants to have fun and go out more. We do go out as a couple on our own when we can so this is not the issue really. We know our son will live with us for a very long time, perhaps forever, but major house improvements need to happen. 

We went to see my own counsellor this evening with a view to marriage counselling but he was so angry the whole time in there, angry about no one understanding our situation with our son, angry at me about the house, just plain angry. I will stop here now as am exhausted, but needed to just start out with writing here.  My husband has agreed to be assessed for ADHD next week in London so that's the first hurdle, he keeps saying he was so much better on Prozac as he has taken this a couple of times over the years, granted he was much more relaxed, used to come home from work and do his OCD stuff like cleaning the house before he sat down, but we just dont know at this point what medication he will need. He just needs help with so many things, his anger, rage, distraction etc.

thanks for listening.

 

 

I sympathize with your post

I sympathize with your post in a lot of ways...autistic/epileptic son (19), daughter (13) who is exactly like her dad, husband who has ADHD. I am glad you are starting the process for an official diagnosis and hopefully treatment. If he responded well to meds in the past, then maybe he will this time too. It is all overwhelming, and I get where you are. Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You've got a lot of things/people depending on you and I know all too well how easy it is to get caught up in everyone else's problems and not make time for yourself. When people say this, they aren't saying it because it is 'helpful', they are saying it because it is vital. If you're like most of us, you've been trying to get your husband's attention for a very long time and feel like you've been beating your head against a brick wall. Focus on YOU for a bit. Let him go through the  process of evaluation and possibly beginning treatment and just take this time to relax a bit, not focus your every thought on him, and just focus on what you want for a change.

Please keep us posted...we are here for you, you're not alone.

((((HUGS)))) Sherri

Thank you Sherri, really good

Thank you Sherri, really good to hear from someone in a similar situation to us.  I agree, I have to try and look after myself and have been doing so as best I can in our circumstances and am starting to feel better.  I am just so relieved my husband recognises there is a problem and is seeking help, he attends his first appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday.  I look forward to keeping in touch with you on our journey, best wishes