Overwhelming sadness

After 20 years of marriage, I'm not sure we're going to make it.  My ADD spouse (I wish he had the "H", then maybe something would get done!) has been my 3rd child for too long.  I don't want to do this to my kids but I'm just not sure that I can survive.  I am so sad.  We've been in counseling, supposedly with the best.  It just costs sooo much, takes sooo long and rarely gets to the heart of the matter.  There are very few options for real support.  I've read books, read blogs, gone to groups.  He does little of it.  He's medicated, at my urging, which only seems to help him hyperfocus even more.  He's wed to his computer and thinks I need an anger management course.  I am tired of managing work, house, kids (one of whom has ADHD, attachment and behavioral issues and both of whom are on IEP's), his family, life.  I have given up who I am to try to create a family for us.  I, frankly, don't know where to turn.  

I truly understand

I am the husband and have been married to an ADHD wife for 13 years and have a 6yo and 2yo.  I've been to websites off and on, but typically don't reply.  Like you, I don't know what to do.  We have been dealing with this for over a decade, but she has only officially been diagnosed about a year ago.  We have been through tons of counseling, books, medications, etc.  As with you, I'm always told that I'm not helping and need anger management courses as well, which I enrolled in to satisfy her.  Fortunately or unfortunately, I have been quite financially successful in business, which adds another layer to the many issues in considering a divorce.  I love my kids dearly and my wife for that matter, but I keep asking myself, at what point am I just being stupid and/or denying the situation.  My son has a mild disability, also complicating the situation because I want him to have a complete family.  She tries and tries and writes me letter after letter saying "next time I'll do better", "this time I promise", "Sorry I made this mistake, but..." you get the idea.  They also typically include that I need to be more supportive, patient, etc.  At this point, she can barely get the kids to school, get groceries about 50% of the time, and do a few miscellaneous tasks...and if she is really on the ball...will take a shower.  As far as paying bills, managing the kids to do homework, etc. can't be relied on to do it.  Intimacy? We haven't had sex in nearly a year and she says she "isn't ready" because she has become overweight and isn't comfortable.  The counselor, who's recommendations she committed to follow no matter what has provided a very regimented, basic schedule which she can't seem to follow going on four months now.  She told me last time, give me six months and I know I will improve, blah, blah, blah.  We are now four months in and nothing is happening.  In the meantime, I said I was committed and will do anything it takes.  We have a housekeeper, the kids go to childcare, etc. and she doesn't work outside the home and she still can't do it!  I am so hurt, angry, disappointed, lost, frustrated, etc.  Basically, don't know where to turn either.  Thought I would share so you  know you're not alone.