pain and the emotional roller coaster ride that follows

This is my very first post. I stumbled on this site a few months ago, ordered Melissa's book, and read it. My husband (the ADHD- spouse) won't read it. Nor would he consent to talk to a therapist or use medication. He seems to think that doing any of these things would admit to being "at fault."

Our relationship is certainly not all bad. But there is a recurring pattern: He gives me his word on something, let's call it "promise A." Someone else comes along with "option B." "Option B" can be any number of things (and quite often involves alcohol), and it appeals to him more than "promise A." So he breaks his word to me. This happens over and over again. I asked him how he thinks that makes me feel about our relationship and how he treats me. He brushed past me and said that this year, he could have gone out a lot more but he's been working really hard, every weekend. Far from having a lack of confidence, he thinks that every little thing he does is wonderful, and has a very powerful denial about the times when he hurts me emotionally.  

This leads into another patten in our relationship: I feel hurt, and I think about leaving him. Every time I feel crushed by his lack of regard for me, I want to leave. Is it normal to respond this way to pain? I guess the urge is to escape whatever is hurting you so much. But then I go through the same cycle of realizations which include the fact that to leave would cause tons more pain, and for that matter life does not exist without some pain. I wish that I could train myself to react differently to feeling hurt. The pain I feel makes me feel so hopeless, and out of control. I want to regain some control and therefore I think about leaving (the only solution I can come up with to stop the pain). The cycle continues with me remembering the good times, and all that I would lose by leaving. I wish that I didn't have to go through this entire emotional roller-coaster every time he treats me badly. I would love to find a way to stop myself from feeling so pained. Is this possible? I don't think he will play any part in stopping the cycle. I can only try to change my reactions to him, but I'm having a very difficult time in doing that. Has anyone successfully turned their pain into something positive, while remaining in the relationship?

Thank you in advance for any feedback. I'm really glad that this supportive network is here.

carathrace's picture

your own counselor

Greetings, H/UnH, I was wondering if you have a counselor or therapist of your own?  If not, I can't recommend it higher.  It sounds like you're not going to get much in the way of willingness to change from your spouse, and that brings up the need for you to know where you stand.  A good counselor can help you on the road to finding your self, and that will make it clearer to you whether or not you want to stay with this man.