I need help.  My ADHD husband is very inconsistent with disciplining our kids and with keeping normal school routines, etc.  BUT he thinks I am undermining him when I discipline or when I try to keep a constant routine (such as with bedtimes, no TV at night, etc.....)  HELP !!!! I am ready to throw in the towel- How do we raise our kids when only one parent is consistent ??

I can relate

I can so relate and I don't have an answer.  We have four kids and I feel like a single parent now that they are older.  When they were babies/toddlers, he was the doting father, and everyone was amazed at how much time he would spend helping take care of them. 

Now that they are older, it has become a constant source of frustration and anxiety to co-parent with him.  If I am gone for any reason and he's left to take care of them, it's like he has no clue what to do.  He doesn't remember to feed them, doesn't remember to make them brush their teeth, and can make a bedtime routine take 2 hours.

My oldest kids have learned not to ask him for help with homework because he cares more about showing what HE knows about the subject they are working on, and never addresses the actual content that is confusing them.  He can spend an hour "helping" them and they end up more confused and in tears.

Most of the time I am the one who has to be the "heavy" so he can look like the good guy (something I have noticed he has a huge need for).  My kids could be scribbling all over the living room walls and he wouldn't even notice.  They could be playing with knives and it wouldn't register with him.  But good grief, when he does decide to notice, all hell breaks loose.  His discipline methods usually involve one of two approaches: 

1)  Long-winded monologues that don't really have anything to do with the particular issue he's supposed to be addressing (much like the conversations he has with EVERYONE, including me). 

2)  Cursing, being physically threatening (getting in their faces) and just a total bully.

Of course, I won't tolerate the latter, so I step in to diffuse it (this approach is usually the one he uses with our 9 yr old son) and then he jumps all over me telling me that the reason our kids don't respect him is because I undermine him in front of them and don't "let him" be the parent. 

I don't find that there is much info out there on how to co-parent when the ADULT has ADHD.  Everything I find is about how to parent kids with it.


Thanks for your input.  It all sounds so familiar - the bullying and the need to make sure everyone knows that HE knows it all !  I have read the Love and Logic series forparenting, but maybe I will contact those authors to see if they have any experience in dealing with one parent who is not consistent... will post if I find anything out -

Almost a month later and it

Almost a month later and it still happens.  Just tonight it was 9:40, 40 minutes past my kids bedtime on a school night,  and I had to put the younger school kids to bed while my husband sits and play video games.  I am so tired of the inconsistency .  If kids are crabby in the morning he will get mad at them... yet I am the bad person for getting angry that there is still no consistent bedtime... He refuses to help on this...I have tried to understand- I have tried to be patient - I have gotten angry- I have kept silent - I have done everything.  But then I mention separating, and I am the wrong one for wanting a divorce - I am the one that would be hurting our children.  He has not agreed to let me get a job, keeping me a stay-at-home mother to kids ages 16, 11 and 8.  I AM STUCK.  SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME