My husband, who has ADHD (and other things), was a pretty good dad when our daughters were little. He played with them. I don't know if it's a coincidence, but he started to withdraw from me and the marriage and family responsibilities when our daughters were in middle school, a time in life when children often struggle with social and emotional issues. I was the only parent dealing with most of the problems that arose. I had and continue to have a good relationship with my daughters, now young adults. We're friends but I'm definitely their mom. My husband, on the other hand, seems to see himself as one of their peers (kind of like a brother or cousin) instead of as their father, and he doesn't have a great relationship with them. It's not so much negative as lacking in substance. I'd be interested in hearing about other people's experiences in this area.
parenting with ADHD
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 02/25/2014.
"Lacking in substance" is
Submitted by MFrances on
"Lacking in substance" is such a good way to describe it. In one of the books on ADHD I read, it says adults with ADHD are often bad parents, I'm not sure why but that's what it said. I'm not sure if meds and counseling can change that. I would think yes if the parent is willing to seek help, although since he/she has ADHD they probably don't see themselves as a bad parent. I've thought a lot about my own childhood lately, I do not have a close relationship with my Dad. Never really did. I so wanted something better for my kids. And so far they have the same thing. My dad did stuff with us, he was the one that took us to the playground, and out to dinner when my mom had her card club, etc. But just doing things isn't enough. There was no substance, like you said. It wasn't negative, I wasn't abused or anything, not even yelled at by my dad like my kids are by their dad. But just nothing further than the surface. On the outside my dad probably looked like a great dad, always doing things with his kids. I just read a quote for dads, "Your son will grow up to be like you, your daughter will grow up and marry someone like you. Will that be a good thing or a bad thing?" It's very true. I have no answers for you except I know how you feel and this is one of my biggest concerns with my husband having ADHD. I want him to be a good dad, I want my daughter to know she is loved and cherished, so she doesn't turn to the first boy that shows her "love" and gets pregnant at 16. Someday our husbands will regret that they weren't better dads, and that is very sad too.
Thank you for posting this topic
Submitted by add on
This topic is so important and it surprises me more don't post about it. The exact same thing happened in my marriage as I observed my husband with our kids. He wanted to be their friend, in fact my almost ex-husband just a few weeks ago actually said, "'why can't we be their friend?" He never disciplined them or talked to them about anything deep. When I told my husband our son, who was in middle school at the time, had threatened to kill himself due to his depression over his own ADD, my husband said nothing. My husband walked out of the house one morning and left without saying a word to the kids or me about his future plans. My daughter just the other day told her Dad exactly how she feels about him leaving the family after 27 years and having very little to do with our son who has ADD and depression. Guess what my husband's reaction was to her, he got angry. And to the post below, this was exactly the same way my father would respond to me when I expressed feelings. In fact my dad basically eventually cut his two daughters and sisters out of his life completely. I get so upset that I am the only one dealing with our son's condition but when my husband lived in the house it was the same thing anyways. He would sit on the couch and not respond to a thing as I would tell him our son was having a meltdown upstairs. I real feel for all the other parents who are going through this. It truly is devastating and so sad for our children to not have two involved parents.
same thing here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you for posting about this. This played out in our household too. My husband played with the girls when they were young. (but not often) Then, when the girls were in middle school, he totally distanced himself from them. (same thing)
He would bark orders at them thinking he was "teaching" them, but there was no kindness or tenderness or affection with his word/actions. Our girls were (and are) VERY GOOD KIDS, NOW ADULTS,and were always well behaved and a pleasure to be around, but that was MY doing, NOT HIS. As they got older,there were no hugs, kisses or ANY type of physical touch or affection. I would tell him that the girls NEED a loving father, but especially a "DADDY". He never WAS that to them, and it showed when they became adults. They both CRAVED male attention, and my youngest especially, chose every bad guy that was out there. (guys who abused her, controlled her, threatened her, etc.) It was HORRIBLE to deal with. I tried to tell DH that she was acting out what she lived at home. HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT.
Thankfully, the girls are older, wiser and okay now, but there were MANY years that I cried a WHOLE LOT because of the damage from an ADHD parent. (especially a father/daughter relationship) He STILL will not admit it had anything to do with him. It is really heartbreaking. I HATE ADHD.
Thank you for posting about
Submitted by MFrances on
Thank you for posting about what your kids went through. This is what happens to girls when they don't get love from their dads. It's so sad to see your daughters struggle with bad choices. I'm so glad they are wiser now and doing well, but I'm sure all of you could have done without the journey. Is it ADHD or is it just bad parenting? I don't know. It could be ADHD since they just don't see how their behaviors affect others. But my Dad was the same way and he doesn't have ADHD. I think some people just can't love or can't show they love (maybe it's the same thing, you can't show what you don't feel). I don't know. It is heartbreaking. I try to tell my daughter what kind of man she should commit to. I have to point to examples outside of our family. And I just pray that she can break the cycle finally.