I have never written anything on a forum before, but I really need to vent, and wonder if anyone else on this forum has the same experience and advice about what to do...
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago. He's taking amphetamine - and for the first couple of weeks I felt like I had the man I married back. However, we're still having issues -- particularly about parenting our 2 and a half year old daughter. He is so lax with her -- he lets her do whatever she wants and he rarely tells her no. Usually it is rather benign things like one more cookie or watching TV. But in the last week, we have had two major disagreements -- in front of her, which is not good, -- about things she should or shouldn't be able to do.
The first was that we had gotten a little heart pin for making a donation to an organization. It was packaged, and she wanted to play with it. I told her she could, but I wouldn't open it for her because I didn't want her to poke herself with the pin. When he got home from work, she brought it over to him and asked him to open it for her. He started to, and I said, "I told her no earlier," expecting he would say, "Okay" and tell her no as well. Instead, he argued with me about it in front of her and said, "why can't she have it?"
Even after I explained that it isn't safe for a 2 year old to play with, he continued to push the issue. He took it out, removed the poking part, and gave it to her. I was SO angry!!! He totally undermined me! I told him he was just like a child himself, and he got very angry about that. I tried to talk to him about it after she went to bed, and explained that we need to be consistent -- and at least in front of her -- be on the same page. I said if either one of us has made a decision and told her she could or couldn't do something, then the other should back the initial decision. If we have a problem with it, we can discuss it later when she's not around. He agreed and I apologized for calling him a child.
Then, this morning, it happened again! We were having breakfast, and he was putting his amphetamine and vitamins in a pill box. Our daughter asked what he was doing, he told her, and then she asked if she could help. I expected common sense to prevail, but instead of telling her no, he starts to hand her a pill and tells her to put it in the box. I couldn't believe it and was totally incredulous and overrode his decision, which I thought was poor and completely reckless. I explained to both of them that pills are not candy -- they are not to play with. They are dangerous. Our daughter ran into the living room crying. I said to my husband, "what if she put them in her mouth?" He said, "I don't think she would do that." and continued to defend his position. He left for work, and I am still SO upset about it. I just don't understand why on earth he would think it is okay for a 2 year old to play with pins and pills.
Also, I am in school and he stays home with her when I go to class. I don't think he pays any attention to what she is doing when I'm gone. He said that she wrapped the dog's leash around her neck, AND touched the glass when the gas fireplace was on!!!!!!!! How can I trust him to keep our daughter safe if he doesn't have ANY common sense about safety??!?!!? Is this typical of a parent with ADHD or does he just lack common sense?? What do I do??? I feel so lost and alone -- I don't want to tell any of my friends or family about these incidents because I don't want them to think he's a bad father, because he isn't -- he's wonderful with her usually -- but he is the "fun" parent and I am the enforcer. How do we get on the same page??!!! Help!!!!!! Thanks.