My partner of 10 years was recently diagnosed with ADHD after me asking him to go to a therapist for years. He finally agreed when I pointed out the impact its having on parenting our child who we suspect has also ADHD (not diagnosed). The diagnosis has helped our relationship in general because we are both more aware of and understanding of the role ADHD has in our relationship instead of taking it personally. Its also helped me step back from being as over functioning and enabling him not engaging and learning how to manage certain routine tasks, but i still struggle with accepting this an unbalanced relationship that feels more like i am parenting two kids instead of in an equal partnership.
Tonight when i came home late from an 11 hour shift at work, our preschooler was not only still awake but was filthy and eating a snack in bed while he slept. This happens every week on the one night i work late. I put her to bed 6 nights a week and only expect him to put her to bed once a week because i get home so late that one night. Every week I remind him to please brush her teeth and follow the bedtime routine to get her in bed at a reasonable hour before I get home. Since he has been diagnosed, he now uses the ADHD as an excuse and says it is so difficult with his ADHD but he will try to "push through" next time if i can "cut him more slack.". Even if it explains why he has trouble getting her to bed, i feel its inexcusable for it to fall on me 7 nights a week especially after my long and late work day (too late for our daughter to still be awake and she is always exhausted at school the next day). He acts like I should be more flexible considering his ADHD, but cant I have some expectations? Is it unreasonable to have a strict expectation about a few important things? If I cant expect this as the bare minimum, i do not think I want to be in with him, but i worry if we separate how he will manage being a single parent and its impact on her,.
Any advice from other non ADHD partners trying to parent with an ADHD partner is appreciated!