It is 10pm. My husband and I are supposed to go on vacation in the morning. We have strict dietary needs and while I arranged accommodations and activities, he was supposed to look into restaurants. He has not done this yet. I don't want to be stuck without food. If I make the calls at this point is that parenting behavior? How would you handle this?
Parenting or Not?
Submitted by Surrounded on 06/16/2019.
I don't think it's parenting
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't think it's parenting behavior. I would call it "what you do when your spouse or partner has been unreliable in a way that might harm you" behavior. For example, for many years of my marriage, my then-husband did our tax returns. I was comfortable with him doing that and me doing other things. Then he suggested not reporting his income. I took over the tax return preparation. I wasn't engaging in inappropriate parenting behavior; I was avoiding breaking the law and losing my professional license.
Go to bed and get some rest, so you will feel good tomorrow;)
Submitted by c ur self on
Hold him accountable to do what he said he would do....Don't remind him...If he doesn't keep his word in this matter, document the incident, (not as ammunition) so you can show him quietly on paper why you can't trust or count on him...Tuff love!
You are important....It's no shame to do what you have to, when trying to depend on him keeps coming up empty....It don't matter why....It's just a fact of life many times....
inaction with consequences
Submitted by jennalemone on
The trick is to let him feel the consequence of his inaction. Yet you should not have to suffer those consequences. You may have to put out the energy and forethought for each of his empty agreements. I suggest you do it again and again. Keep yourself physically prepared with what you need (in this case...food?) and acknowledge yourself for that. Remember, HE is the one who is instigating the independent behavior (not carrying through with agreements with you)...you are responding with the need to take care of yourself. Be verbal (don't be afraid of his name calling or sarcasm...being the strong silent one is NOT a solution when you are with an ADDer). Make sure he knows again and again what is expected of him. Then, when HE has to have a tantrum or a pity-party or feel sick when he is reacting to the lack of his planning or carrying through with his promises, be verbal enough to repeat, yet again, what HE said HE would do. And then ask him how he is going to fix it (don't fix it yourself) . By the way, you may need to have a stash of food for just you and sneak it - not sharing it. Unless he feels the pain of his inaction, he will not learn or remember the next time. Is this parenting? No. But it IS teaching. It's conditioning him to not expect his mommy (you) to take care of his lack of forethought/responsibility/care. If he continues inaction on his promises and there is no pain for him, he is learning that you will just take care of things. If he is like my H, he will not feel YOUR pain or care about your disappointment in him. His brain can hardly keep himself going and is not able to worry how you might feel or what you might be thinking. It is sad that we have to live so independently from the person we WANT to love and cherish and count on....but since they live so independently, we must accept it or leave to find someone who wants to be in a partnership marriage with us. Be brave in your resolve to let him sit in his consequences. You will not like yourself or him if you constantly and huffishly take care of his childish irresponsibility. How can you do this with grace and loveliness? Just do it matter of factly and listen to his responses and learn who he is and what HE is willing to give to the relationship.
Yes, it is sad. But don't let it constantly make you angry and frustrated.