Parenting versus me being just-darn-stubborn?

My ADHD spouse stated he needed to talk about a few very important matters - that can not wait until after our daughter's wedding in August..  I said let's pick a time that is not too early and not too late.  He said OK.  How about Saturday at 10 am.

It is Saturday 10:12 am.  He is still sleeping.

This is not our first  rodeo. . . .this is symbolic.  I call, remind, remind, remind, remind.    This meeting was his idea.  His request.  

A perfect example of how my response to his negative ADHD brain behaviors cause me to cry in despair.

I can understand how

I can understand how frustrating this is.  But it's probably not worth you getting too upset about.  I suggest considering this to be a missed/cancelled "appointment" and doing something else.  Require your partner to reschedule, at a time convenient for YOU, when he wakes up.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Predictable. .. .

I was so very tempted to hang a note right by him, so when he opened his eyes he read:  "Oh sh*t. . . . . . ."

Those are the first words out of his mouth on many a day.  He schedules an appointment at 8, he wakes up at nine, "Oh, Sh*t."  He tells a customer he'll be there at 7 am.  Tells the employee and our son, "We are leaving at 6:30 to get to the job at 7."  My son and the employee are ready, sitting in the living-room watching TV.  He doesn't get up until 8:30, "Oh, sh*t." . . . . . then he calls the customer and says, "I am so sorry, we are running late today."  They don't know any different.

This is just our life.  No schedule.  No routine.  Chaos.  

And my spouse just does not see it. . . . . . .

logicalfather's picture

?

Do you know what the pressing matter is? What does he do at night to stay asleep until 10am? 

I'm So Exhausted's picture

His motor driven brain

The pressing matter was a marriage separation.  

I told him if that is what he wants, then he should do it.  He had no reply.  Previously, I had said I didn't think separation was the answer.

He is a workaholic. . . . . . .he works, works, works until the wee hours of the morning, then goes to bed and gets angry at himself for not being able to wake up.

 

logicalfather's picture

up late

Are you sure it's work and not a harmful addiction to inappropriate content on the internet, or a mixture of the two? I do know that a lot of guys stay up late at night looking up inappropriate stuff under the guise of work. This leads to other problems, besides not being able to wake up. It leads to men not being attracted to their wives, staying inappropriately engaged in a fantasy world, and looking at other women as objects. This of course may not be the case, but I do believe a lot of the unhappy wives on this board may need to investigate this huge problem in our society.

Is he willing to work with you on a time schedule or routine? Or have both of you just thrown in the towels?

I'm So Exhausted's picture

I can only share my paradigm

Well, logicalfather, I do not believe that is an issue.  He is outside, in our yard, working under the lights.  Mowing, grinding, building, welding, cutting, sorting scrap, mechanical repairs.  Or at work sites - like churches, or unoccupied homes, working, working, working.

No he is not willing to work WITH me on anything.  He doesn't like to be told what to do, he is very defensive, and he misinterprets pretty much every comment anyone makes - unless it is praise.

After 29 years, I have thrown in the towel, but it has not yet hit the floor.

He is willing to go to counseling, but only to stand by my side as the counselor figures out what is wrong with me.  :)

 

logicalfather's picture

good luck

Wow, 29 years, being only 33 I cannot at this age yet imagine what you are going through. I'm just thankful that God broke me of those habits after only 7 years before a 2nd wife left me. My wife was laughing at me yesterday though after hearing our preacher give a list of 10 things that show your too full of pride. Getting defensive when told what to do, getting my feelings hurt, and being offended when I don't get praise for a good job are still three things that I need to work on. Pride is often invisible, so it's easy for it to consume one to the point of ruining a relationship. It sounds to me like pride may be the culprit from the little information that I have read. 

I have a friend who wrote a book called Marriage It's in Your Hands (I haven't actually read it yet), but he told me once that a wife is the temperature guage to the husband. If the wife is either too hot or too cold, then the husband needs to change to fix the temperature (or something like that, I'm sure I screwed it up). The point is, no one's perfect, but your husband needs to realize that if he wants the marriage to work, the easiest way for him to "fix his wife," is to "fix himself." 

It's always sad to see a marriage end. I wish you two the best of luck, and I hope that your husband starts putting his focus where it should be. 

So typical

I'm so sorry. My guy is the same way. Yet doesnt see that if you'd just keep a schedule your life would be so much easier. When he was an electrician with a time he had to show up or be fired, he managed to go to bed on time. He was so much better controlled then, ADHD wasn't obvious at all. Now he could be the poster adult. I think a lot of ADHD folks are night owls if given the flexibility. I know every example I've seen sure is. And then being tired just makes all the symptoms worse. But we are parenting when we tell them to go to bed. Dh knows he needs to, yet is still up til 2 on the Internet or watching tv, or working on some project. Has a really hard time winding down. I used to get furious when he was up til 3, now I've changed my expectations, and give praise when he gets to bed at a reasonable hour. Scant opportunities for praise so far.

Does he realize dissolution will require cleaning out the barn? If you do attempt counseling be sure it is someone with ADHD training. I'd meet with them first alone so you can give the ADHD background without hubby there to get defensive. Perhaps the counselor will be able to suggest behavior modifications without using the label, that your husband might be willing to try. Best of luck to you.

Behavior modification

The idea that behavior modification can make a difference give me some hope. 

 

L