Parents Enabling Money Issues for 31 Year Old ADHD Husband80

I have been married for almost two years.  I knew my husband struggled with adhd when we got into this, but I had no idea the scope of his problems and the fact that his mother has enabled him by giving him most everything he wants and loaning or giving him tens of thousands of dollars over the years (no they aren't wealthy! I think they may be in serious debt because of this) when he mismanages his money.

The first year he got laid off of work, and he borrowed money occasionally, but he actually had a fair amount of spending money.  In fact the same as me, I make a decent living, and we both get the same discretionary income, but he always runs out, then uses our bill and grocery account for his cigarettes eating out or whatever it may be.

At one point his mother was saying he owed them $50k and would be paying on it his whole life to them, but she didn't have any documentation or explanaition, AND continued giving him money.  She only gave me the this total amount after I pressed her saying we needed to figure out a plan for getting out of debt in general.  Yet she kept "loaning" him money.  I finally contacted her and asked her to stop loaning him any more money because this debt was already impossible.  I was a little less strignent when he lost his job and tried to be understanding.  But now he's been employed again for almost a year and every time he does something, like impulse shopping, she bails him out. now she doesn't loan it to him because I asked her not to, but she'll just give him money. and it's still not a good thing! I hate it.  He gets a speeding ticket, she pays it.  Four speeding tickets in the past 6 months, and he drives for a living.. I put the first few on our joint card, that he doesn't pay on because he doesn't make enough money.  he's going to lose his job!  

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but it's pretty clear that he is never going to learn how to live within our means and save money and understand where money is going if he always has a safety net.   When he's not getting money from her, he's using our joint account.   $7 here and $15 there adds up quickly when it happens every other day.  The next thing I know, we're $80 over our grocery budget and there's no money to pay the power bill.  Having to constantly watch out for our bill money.. and it's not just money, he will have to buy lunch out every day because he's too forgetful or distracted to make his own lunch. groceries will just rot in the fridge that we bought jut for him. Sometimes I think he won't feed himself if I'm not at home, until he's practically starving to death.. then he ends up eating crappy fast food, and he has stomach problems.  We were supposed to go on a trip and we discussed several times that we would pay for our own drinks or other little items. Four days in San Diego.  he had $200 a week and half before we left and then he went on a shopping spree and left only $30 for spending for himself.  Guess who had to figure out how to cover things while there?

I tried to tell him how he needs to get a handle on this.  I think he gets it about not over spending and taking from the joint, he's actually going to start medication for this and other issues.  but there's something worse with his mom...  it's like he is in denial about that piece.  it's a major part of the problem.  he says that he saw the past lending or whatever it was (that 50K) as his inheritence coming before they died, and his college education.. not only that, i'm starting to resent that I'm walking around in business clothes that are falling apart and he's on his 3rd shopping spree this month funded by mom.  I'm not shopping because I'm putting extra payments into the extra debt we incurred while he was unemployed for that year...

for our one year anniversary they sent a card to us saying they waived "all debt".  i don't want a gift, but that's not really a gift for me is it?  i mean.. i certainly don't benefit from any part of this situation.  they help with his son when he is with us, and that's fine.. it's their grandchild.. but my husband is not a child!!

I am convinced his mom sees this as her way to keep a parent/child relationship.  she still talks about how it was so hard when he was a kid for her. about how hard it was for him.  about his condition...  when do we start just dealing with this? his other siblings are all resentful about this situation too, until the last few years when they saw him growing up a bit they didn't have much of a relationship  they're quite a bit older then him (10+ years) and they feel that he was catered to in an unhealthy way..  i don't want his mother involved!!  it makes me seriously ill! worse of all I don't feel attracted to him when he's running to mommy all the time and not attracted when i'm totally frustrated with him.

help!! :(

My husband and MIL do this too

My husband, like yours, is the youngest. He lived with his mom until he married me when he as 43. He wouldn't even spend the night with me! I know his older brothers resented it, and I believe still do. He never understood adult responsibilities like paying rent until we got married.

He does not have a spending problem, but an earning problem. He did not work full-time for the last seven years before we got married. I made a full-time job a requirement for getting married. Of course, he lost that job when we'd been married for 2 months. Then I supported us for the next 3 years until he started treating his ADD and depression.

The job he has now requires hundreds of uncompensated miles of driving a week but he loves it and it's very ADD-friendly. The gas and the fact that he won't take his lunch because he doesn't want food in the car mean he spends a lot of money, and he does not make enough. I lost my job and I know he feels supporting me is a burden. We end up "borrowing" money from his mother every month. I appreciate it, but I do feel he would work a second job to pay for the gas for his primary job if she did not do it. The new thing is that his car died, so he's driving her car and I'm taking her where she needs to go with my car. His credit is shot from the 3 years of not working and we can't buy another one. (Mine was bought with a student loan, and it's on it's last leg.)

I am 8 years older than him and had already raised 2 kids after I got divorced. I do feel largely cast in the mother role, and you are right, it is not sexy. I wish I knew what to tell you to break this cycle. Obviously, I haven't figured it out either. But at least we have company.