A pause in divorce

Divorce from my severe ADD husband has come to a pause.

I wonder at my own feelings. I started this divorce. I know I need to finish it. Still what dominates is an urge to reach out for him. Intimately.

He panicked the last couple of weeks. He accused me of horrible things. He was highly aggressive. He said that my feelings, and our agreements, mean nothing to him. Now, he seems to have regained some hope or other. He's then returned to being soft spoken, humble and kind.

I see this and think: he's coping poorly. He's the most loyal, the most devoted, but also gravely dysfunctional. The true nature of our love is simultaneously the best imaginable and the worst.

I do love him. I intend to keep it secret. It just breaks my heart, more than anything else in this. I don't want this divorce.