Tonight I come home after an emotionally draining day of trying to communicate via email/ text while doing my job... we try to work things out in writing as it tends to be less emotionally charged... and I'm greeted @ the door with a rushing, haggered, sad person who's about to be late again for the 5 minute drive to get our daughter from aftercare... no smile, no happy to see you... not even an acknowledgement that once again, as always she's injecting stress into our lives by being late to the daycare nazis who make my life hell with late fees, complaints, penalties (& veiled threats of throwing our kid outta the program)... I recognize the situation after crossing the threshold (got home quick w/no traffic for some reason) and turn around to run back to the car (if I let her go, she'll be late) race to get the rugrat and come home... she again greets me with saddness and despair. I'm just so stinking tired...
I'm thinking "is she sad to see me?" Is it me? Is she still thinking about the other man that she "gave up" in order to save our marriage? Is she just ill? She is struggling with other yet to be diasgnosed health issues (and has been for so so so long now... but she is seeing drs now)? Is it our recent fight? I tried to reassure her and tell her i'd write her back when I had time... . What did I do now?
I feel like I'm always on eggshells... she seems so angry... so sad... and to my mind so self indulgent.
There's so much going on in our house... I just feel so sad coming home to her sometimes.
I dunno if there's enough here for any real commentary... but maybe just some words of encouragement.
We've been together for a few yrs... things have been rocky... her recent add diagnosis... and other health issues have seemingly added to (if not caused) a lot of angst.
My own mental health could use a tuneup... anger, passivity, conflict avoidance, recovering hypervigilant border narcicist... general all around good guy, right?
Her baggage seems a bit more over stuffed than mine... but who am I to say?
Tonight however... I just want to hide from the kids, make her do the child care for a change... curl up and cry myself to sleep... not a good day.