"If you love someone else more than yourself, you will always compromise too much, ignore the red flags, get hurt, and lose yourself in your relationships."
I am trying to understand myself better and know myself better. When I was a young girl I was taught over and over again that I should love Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last = JOY. Most of the women who grew up in my mainstream protestant church are today similar to me....meek, obedient and ineffective because we do not allow ourselves to fight....trying to love Jesus and Others and putting down ourselves even in our mature years. There are a few strong women...but I am perceiving that they had parents who adored them and encouraged them to be strong. Most of us in those Sunday School classes were from families where obedience was mandatory and disobedience had disastrous consequences. Many of us did not give ourselves the permission to do anything but obey anyone who might have a rule to give us, trying very hard not to offend anyone. And that includes our spouses who were not being loving toward us. I have not found the key to permitting myself to be a mature woman who can stand up to oppression. I am ashamed of that but it is true. But I am searching and trying.
"Because, to be honest, losing yourself is far more painful than losing a relationship. And it will take you forever to find your strength, dignity, and truth again."
Thank You for This
Submitted by TryingtoChange on
As I'm working to heal myself, I notice what you mentioned. I was always praised for being obedient and for putting others first, especially in the church setting. For so many years of my life I didn't even know who I was, because I completely removed my identity in hopes of serving everyone else. Now I'm realizing that's not right. This is my life and I deserve to be happy and to take care of myself, especially if no one else is going to. I'm learning to give myself permission to take care of me first and not feel guilty for it. Thank you for this post it's beautiful. I'll be praying for you.
Love your neighbor as your
Submitted by c ur self on
Love your neighbor as your self....God meant for us to love ourselves, we are created with that innate desire...(Thus your post, and trying to change's post)...You both know something is missing...(IMO) what has happened to many of us is, we haven't had love and respect returned by our spouses (self absorbed)...So the problem can escalate in our minds...But...It's really not about the true things of love....To love God w/ all our mind, soul, and strength, and our neighbor as our self...Don't in anyway hinder our ability to love ourselves....1st Corinthians 13 is something we should remind ourselves of faithfully.... (Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.)
The absents of this kind of love in the marriage (going both ways) will always produce the need for boundaries and acceptance....We must love ourselves, we are the living temples of the Holy Spirit!
c
Jenna, this grabbed me
Submitted by Brindle on
Many of us did not give ourselves the permission to do anything but obey anyone who might have a rule to give us, trying very hard not to offend anyone. And that includes our spouses who were not being loving toward us. I have not found the key to permitting myself to be a mature woman who can stand up to oppression.
This feels very true of me. I have a hard time being comfortable with the accusation or label of being "mean" or "unkind." My husband has noooo trouble with that. As a result, when I draw boundaries, he responds with rudeness, and I feel bad, and have to constantly reassure myself that I haven't done anything wrong. Constantly. I'm turning our conversations over and over in my mind, and have to re-realize several times a day that it isn't my fault. The self-doubt over drawing boundaries *and sticking to them* is sometimes overwhelming. From the very start of our marriage, if I reminded him of something only once, and with my issues of being perceived as mean meant I wasn't even harsh, it was enough for him to accuse me of being a nag. And so I immediately backed off. I stopped asking for much of anything unless I could handle his enormous procrastination. Because of course I couldn't remind him or ask again, not even once.
It is so difficult, and wow, do I mean difficult, for me to stand my ground with him. It's a weakness of my own, and I know it. And it is so difficult for him to tolerate a "no" from me. It's our double weaknesses in these areas that have created such dysfunction in the areas of working together. As long as he gets his way, he sees us as a team, and has said he does see us as a team. I, on the other hand, see nearly no teamwork at all. I see where I do whatever he refuses to do in shared life responsibilities, and where I refuse to bend on my personal boundaries, he is furious and tries to pressure me into doing what he wants.
Like you, I'm trying to learn to stand up to "oppression" and to tolerate my own discomfort in doing so. It. Is. Hard. I hope one day to be able to say that I can do so without fear or nervousness. I hope the same for you, dear Jenna.