There are many issues with my marriage, and most of the severe ones are due to my ADHD. Given this reality the focus is on mitigating my symptoms, and any mental foray into MY complaints seems to be dangerous. It can so easily in discussion go the way of deflecting her concerns or just sound hypocritical. Nevertheless, in the past I cannot remember having any complaints. I simply hid from reality and had neither positive nor negative things to say about the relationship. I'm sure now that this ambivalence is gone.
I'm just starting down this road and it is frustrating. With this new job I am waiting for insurance to kick in to continue experimenting with medication and therapy. I think we need to get into couples therapy to really move forward, but all of that is on hold for the next week or two. So I post here and read books. I was reading a chapter in Melissa's book last night that talked about ways in which each partner might feel unloved. It got me thinking about the relationship and what I wanted from it. I'm the only one who can change me, and changing myself will go an insanely far way towards changing the health of our relationship. Thinking about my concerns as an adult partner(attempting, anyway) would be one of the symptoms of growth. As such I cannot ignore how disconnected I feel. Touch must be my cardinal love language because the lack of it is really getting to me. I understand that the lack of intimacy is largely due to distrust and my appearance of not caring about her, but whatever the cause I'm actually having a real problem with it. I'm not just putting it away and going back to ignorant bliss.
My wife doesn't like to be touched. All day long she is with our three children and much of the day they are climbing on her in one form or another. I'm constantly wanting to cuddle or get close, and she has said that all she wants when they go to sleep is to have her own space. I can get that and hope it will improve with mending our relationship, but she has never been a touchy person. I get the sense that she tolerates me. We will by lying in bed with tablets or laptops after the kids go to sleep, and I will invariably want to wrap my legs up in hers, or attempt some variant of spooning. She plays along with this but doesn't seem to get much of anything out of it. For me these things are like a dripping faucet in the middle of the desert. Once a month we'll have sex (vs 2-3 times a week in better years) and for her it is scratching an itch. All she wants to do is "get there" and all I want to do is prolong the experience. Yeah I'm a guy and I will drop everything at any moment to get laid. This would probably be the case even if we were having daily sex marathons, but these few times are now all about grabbing up any sense of connection possible before another long stint of feeling alone.
I find myself lying awake in the dark thinking about how disconnected I feel from her, and actually hurting emotionally from that. I haven't done this since the depths of depression in 2006-2007 when the nihilism was unavoidable and the pain of feeling nothing was ever-present. Thinking of doing nothing but a half an hour of making out makes me swoon with longing. We haven't kissed with tongue in at least two years, and that time two years ago was an isolated incident in a height of passion.
We aren't cold to one another. Our daily interactions are not hostile or without affection. We'll grope each other jokingly and play around, but in terms of real intimacy where you feel close enough to be one person and feel that vulnerability? No. I hope I can get my shit figured out so she can get to a place where rebuilding that intimacy is possible. I'm not complaining in any way, but I felt the need to express this pain I'm feeling.
Are there any mothers out there who understand her feeling of wanting to be left alone after a day of children constantly in your personal space? If so, did it carry over into intimacy with your partner?