Planning and Partnering

Another holiday season is coming up and I find myself in the same frustration.  Dh wants to be part of the "help" but only wants to do things at the spur of the moment, nothing planned, no one can suggest or tell him what needs to be done, he wants to do only what looks like fun to him.  Then the delight for him is not is doing and creating and working together but rather to "get credit" from the crowd when they come.  He will talk about what he did for the next few weeks as though he did it all single handedly when in truth he did one or two things  and I have been working behind the scenes to make it happen.  On top of that, he starts fights and puts his fearful thoughts out there to add difficulties into anything that I am doing.  He tells me how to do it even though he has never really done it himself but I have done it tens of times.  

He prescribes to the saying "Let's not and say we did."...Public Relations 101 of letting people know what you did and even take credit where credit is not due.  Nice for him.  He takes credit for what i have done and if things don't work out he blames me.  He is angry at me at this moment because he suggested we serve turkey, meatballs AND HAM.  I gave him a look.....Ham? ...really on Thanksgiving?  And he started an angry tirade fight about how I should respect his thoughts.  What should I have said or done....Said that sounds interesting..Sure...good idea...let's have ham too (don't we have enough to do making 3 turkeys and meatballs with 50 of his family coming over?)

I have learned from past experiences to just do it myself yet every time, I want him to be part of things if he is willing....there is always a fight or miscommunication or he says he will do something and then doesn't carry through or will take 2 hours to do what takes me 15 minutes or will be doing it while the guests are arriving and I am alone greeting guests and he is still in the kitchen making a mess while I am trying to serve.

I haven't figured this out yet.  Anyone with ADD have suggestions in what works for them then there is a big event and you want to be a helpful part in the planning and doing?  Any non-ADDer spouses have ways of "letting go" and not feeling the feelings I get when I feel dumped on and sabotaged?

This past summer we had a wedding at our house...Dh wanted to grill vegetables outdoors as his contribution.  He began in his old dirty jeans to BEGIN to grill them after the guests had EATEN.  They were ready with the dessert.  He never did get dressed out of his grilling clothes. Then affably played the cute kitten routine of "aw shucks".  

I didn't get frustrated or mad.  I told myself in advance not to expect anything....if it didn't happen it didn't happen it would not ruin the day.  

However,  I feel alone when there is something happening here when partnering is required.  Not only do I feel alone but weakened - by the lack of cooperation and the monkey wrenches that I have to anticipate.  Any attempts to cooperate together is like me running an obstacle course and him carelessly throwing obstacles in the way.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Same reality

jennalemon,

I can totally relate to your post.  

Sadly what I have recently come to recognize in myself is that I spent a LOT of time intervening where I had no business.  Sorta along the lines of "Oh man I better jump in there and smooth things over so we don't appear like fools."  

For years as my children were growing up, I did it all when it came to holidays.  Planned, cleaned, got the decorations out of the attic,  set them up, shopped, decorated, wrapped gifts, baked, wrote cards,  - - -then after the holidays took it all down, packaged it all up, put it back in the attic. That's how WE did the holidays.

I gave my children a terrible example of how to take all the responsibility on my shoulders.  Now I am having to apologize for deceiving them. . . .telling them I am not superwoman. . . . .and all this stress just for show was NOT worth it.  

I have also watched as he would go crazy with odd stuff right before parties - - never was cleaned up when the guests got here. . . . . made the whole start of parties crazy. My expectations and dreams and hopes were mine alone.  The truth was he never got on board.  My expectations that he would, those were what got me in trouble every time. 

 

Fools rush in

"Oh man I better jump in there and smooth things over so we don't appear like fools."   Exactly.  This is what is happening here too.