Please explain / give examples of how to handle these situations

Hi.  New here.  My husband has ADHD.  He was diagnosed as a teen, didn't like and quit the medicine a couple of months later, and refuses to contemplate treatment of any sort now.  We've been together nearly 17 years, married almost 4years.  The same time we married, our (my) youngest moved out and we were alone for the first time since moving in together after 10 years long distance.  All of the behaviors I'm struggling with were there the whole time, but I tried to deal with them, thinking it was the stress of having 3 teenagers or trying to adjust to living together or just learning each other better.  

It was so easy when we were long distance.  When I traveled to him, there were no responsibilities, and I was able to relax and have fun.  When he traveled to me, he would do such nice things... cook dinner every night and have it waiting on me when I got home from work, take care of the kids while I worked, help with laundry and household stuff, keep up with schedules and appointments and remember who had what when.  He's always had a hard time being on time, but it didn't matter as much because there was so much that was cleared off the schedule so we could spend time together.  Of course, once he finally moved in with me, reality hit and it became more of a problem.  So did other things.

I've told him many times we can't get on the same page because we aren't even in the same book, and he refuses to tell me which book he's in.  Communication doesn't really happen.  I try, but I don't have the energy for the circular talk that consists really of repeating what I said in a tone that says he thinks I should think he said something. I've gotten really good at calling him on it then get silence... for ages.  Seriously, he can sit in the same room with me after me saying, "you didn't answer my question" for hours in total silence then REPEAT THE SAME THING I SAID YET AGAIN.  It's frustrating and exhausting and soul crushing.  I know that sounds extreme, but it's my reality.  I've gone to counseling, but the counselors haven't been able to give me tools that work.  Walk out and refuse to participate.  Fine.  Still need to address the problem somehow.  It's going to be the same situation if I walk away 100 times.  Explain that it is important to me.  Okay.  Only it isn't important to him, so no help there.  Set an appointment to talk and resolve it.  Really?  He won't remember, and when I remind him he'll come to the table, but will start the entire circle over again.  Live for myself.  How does that even work in the real world with real issues?  We need to find a more affordable place to live or do we take in the grandchild or what are our plans for retirement?  How do I "live for myself" with those types of scenarios?  I feel stupid for not knowing how to speak his language which if I did manage to learn it he would just change it.  I feel stupid for not knowing how to handle these situations. 

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions or insight into how to communicate with him?  

Also, nearly three years ago, I got sick.  I had no health insurance.  He has the best health insurance money can buy.  I was stuck with a free clinic and no money for x-rays or other tests.  Several times, the doctor there said he thought it might be cancer.  It got to the point that I was so exhausted I had a hard time walking the short distance from the car to the house or the bed to the living room.  During this time, he was chasing a heart issue that two doctors told him was nothing to worry about.  He insisted on all sorts of testing that resulted in some high co-pays even with his awesome insurance, and when the bills came in he always had to "pay it now while I have the money".  He would flaunt that insurance every chance he got, too.  Once, I almost walked out and left him sitting at the expensive and well-known clinic as he argued with the leading specialist in the field that he may not need the test, but he wanted it, and his insurance would cover it.  This is as I needed a $200 ultrasound that I couldn't get.  Also, during this time, there was an accident caused by what can only be called a stupid act that came close to causing me great injury.  It has caused PTSD for me.  It took me two years of fighting to get him to get rid of the object because I couldn't feel safe with it around.  A year ago, he had a huge increase in his income, and I was so relieved I was crying because it meant that I could finally get insurance.  I think a part of me died when he said we had to buy a house with that money.  Well, I fought and screamed and threatened and finally got insurance.  And I've spent this entire past year trying to get well.  There is damage to my body from going so long without being treated.  It wasn't cancer, thank goodness, but it was serious.  The damage done to our marriage is huge.  I don't know how to get over the anger and disappointment.  He really believed I was okay.  He didn't realize how much time had passed with me being sick.  He didn't realize how much time had passed with the awful object still around.  He doesn't understand how him having great insurance while I had none is a problem since he doesn't pay for his.  He doesn't get that telling me he knew I would be okay isn't okay.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move on from these things?