Please help

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Sounds like he is incapable

Sounds like he is incapable of having compassion or empathy for you. Or he is emotionally damaged too. Due to the hyperactivity... he would need to go to a neurologist and have a consultation and get a diagnosis to see if it is a spectrum issue. You might want to read up on Narcissism (not wanting to hear about your woes, only his), or Bipolar (manic one day, fine the next) to see if the symptoms sound familiar.  My spouse had ADD verbal rages due to the inability to cope with things out of his control, events that didn't come from his own mind don't compute, and he goes into overloads. It could take anything to set it off.

I feel with all the trauma you've been through, you do not need the prolonged stress of this kind of relationship. Expect it to last forever without a diagnosis and medication. Even then, there is no guarantee there is peace and harmony. The meds alleviate the anxiety of the ADD person, but it does not solve conditioned behaviors of 40 years worth of ineffectual coping. You will find you lose yourself more and more. He can't be counted on to help guide or support you through your grief. You can't expect anyone to save you, but you can do everything in your power to preserve what you have left. And don't let him manipulate you into believing you are worthless without him.

I'm sorry to hear about the

I'm sorry to hear about the pain of your relationship. I can relate to much of what you share, and I have been in a troubled relationship with an Adder for many years.

What are you getting out of the relationship? I don't know your partner, but it is unlikely that he will change. If he decides to get help for his issues, then perhaps things will improve, but I do know from experience that you can't force someone to change, no matter how much you would like them to.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Would you be happy living like this for the rest of your time together? Can you accept him for who is is and what he does? Can you find a way to live with him without sacrificing yourself? I hope you have other people who you can lean on for love and support, because it sounds like you aren't getting what you need from him. 

Uncontrolled and untreated, the playbook

Hi megyazty, 

What you're describing sounds like it is taken directly from one of the scripts for "ADHD-untreated-guy meets ADHD-unaware-girl".  Is he open to the idea of getting an evaluation and possible diagnosis now? 

You don't mention his prior relationships (girlfriends, ex-wives) but I wonder if there is a pattern there?  If left untreated and unacknowledged, then yes I think you can expect this behavior to continue until you give up. With treatment?  It could be a whole new ball-game but we don't know him or his background to say much more than that.  It's hard to say whether his apparent lack of empathy arises from some personality disorder (that would be a bad thing and probably untreatable) or whether he has learned that avoiding feelings helps him get through a world he doesn't perceive the same way as you and where he has not learned how to respond other than to run when 'hard things' happen (because he doesn't know what to do). If it is the latter (that he has developed bad coping strategies for emotional demands on him) then things can be remarkably different with ADHD treatment.

If he is willing to try an evaluation (and if diagnosed to try consistently to take meds and possibly go to therapy), then do your best to ensure that he sees someone who is experienced in adult ADHD (and not only ADHD in children, it's very important).  Hope this helps a bit.


The answer to your question is that maybe, yes, you could expect this forever. I have been through the mind-numbing experience of a partner who denied, deflected, blamed me, was quick to serious anger, and then would not acknowledge or talk about any of it--would pretend it never happened the next day. It can be explained by ADHD and the coping mechanisms that come with it. I found that after years of it, I didn't care any more why he was doing it. I just wanted it to stop. 

For your guy to be different, he may need some work with a doctor or therapist. My question is, I think you deserve better. Don't you? After everything you have been through? Rather than someone who behaves the way he does--yells and calls you names and blames everything on you--don't you deserve someone who has empathy for you, cares for you, treats you respectfully? There are people who would treat you well out there. I think you should find one of them and cut this guy out of your life. Being alone is so much better than being in a verbally abusive, bad relationship.

Take care. My best to you.