Hi everyone :) I have been what I thought was happily married since I was 22 (but together since 19) and I have just turned 45. We have 2 beautiful children my son whom is turning 18 in March (and has been diagnosed as a mild to moderate sufferer of adhd) and my gorgeous girl who will be 14 in July. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 14 years ago now but he had always led me to believe that his "symptoms" were minor & the need for treatment was non-existent. Through a bad feeling about something I discovered a few months ago that he had made inappropriate advances towards my sister law and if that wasn't enough sent approximately 10 sexually SMS messages to my step mother roughly about 5 years ago. Now as I am very close to my family the discomfort that it has created has been devastating for me and created rifts that I sometimes fear are beyond repair . Once I discovered the inappropriate advances he volunteered the information on my step mother, but to be honest I feel this was only through fear that it would be revealed to me my family with them now being aware of my knowledge of the indiscretion. I was devastated and felt betrayed on all levels at him for his behavior and also at my family for keeping this knowledge a secret from me for so many years. This all occurred only a few months ago and I have been struggling to come to terms with it all still. To his credit he immediately sort treatment and is now on dexiamphetamines and seeing 2 psychs. At the time when I learned of his dirty little secrets I foolishly believed him that he had never been unfaithfful in all of the years of our marriage but tonight he came clean (after previously telling me time and time again that I now knew everything) that over the years of our marriage he has been unfaithful dozens and dozens of times with prostitutes. He was sexually abused as a child & i have learned from studies on the link between adult adhd sufferers who were sexually abused as young children & sex addiction. Although i cant remember the exact percentage it was some staggering figure like 97% of these people who were abused as kids & had adhd were found to be sex addicts in this particular study that i have read. Part of me is saying what the hell are you doing still laying here beside him but the bigger part still believes there is hope. I love him to death even though I feel like I had already been to hell and back over other issues and sacrifices & I am feeling like I'm only just barely capable of breathing at the moment. Am I crazy to do this & believe him when he says he is now ready to face all of his wrong doings and do whatever & take whatever treatment or medication to keep me. He told me that it is only because of his love for me that he came clean and that he was sick of the guilt and lying to me.i so want this to be possible for a happy ending but I am so scared I feel sick! He states that his behavior suddenly ceased a year ago although he doesn't know why& that because it had stopped and through seeing the required specialists found the courage to tell me. He also said that he had no control over this behavior I the past and that it always made him feel sick afterwards, what I find the hardest thing to understand is that if he was so "out of control" for so long why the hell did he not get help years ago? I suppose I'm afraid that he may have just wanted to have his cake and eat it too and is just using the ADHD & sex addiction as an excuse:( just so you know it is not like I have been prudish sexually with him throughout our marriage, on the contrary I feel like I sold my soul to the devil in order to keep my man happy, or so I thought, now I just feel used and like a complete and utter fool for. being so blind for so long. I would really appreciate any advice from you all from both sides of the fence if possible. I have already been to the darkest of places & felt like checking out of life completely ( I took a dangerous amount of prescribed synthetic morphine & alcohol) only just the other week so I'm feeling very alone scared & vulnerable & would love to hear your thoughts, I have read that in part of the healing process it is essential for him to be openly accountable with everything for the other spouse to regain trust. Although he says that he is prepared to do whatever it takes to save what I blissfully unaware thought was our happy marriage yet he already got defensive & had an angry tone for me just checking his phone and asking questions about phone numbers dial led. If he is serious about doing anything and everything am I unreasonable in expecting him to do this without him trying to make me feel as though I have done something wrong just for asking ? thanks in advance & I'm sorry if I have written too much I just wanted everyone to have a clear understanding so that in turn I could maybe get some good advice from those who have been there already. :/. Xxx
Please help feeling devastated & so confused :(
Submitted by Wife_of_adhd_guy on 01/31/2012.
I don't have any advice about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't have any advice about what to do about your marriage, but I do have advice for you: get help immediately! I'm concerned about the fact that you tried to take your life.
I am so sorry for what you've
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I am so sorry for what you've discovered. I cannot imagine how dark and low things must feel for you. Please know that this too shall pass, and don't be in any rush to make a decision about your marriage. I have recently started practicing patience...meaning that I try not to make any big decisions in my life until I can do so without being overwhelmed and ruled by my emotions. Make a decision that you will take X amount of time (3 months? 6 months?) and just think about things and gather your thoughts. NOTHING has to be resolved or decided today. Maybe get into counseling for yourself and find the answer to your own question "why am I still laying here beside of him every night?" I entered counseling to find out some very similar answers to some very similar questions. Gain some emotional stability for yourself...make THAT your goal for now. Then, whatever decision you make, whatever revelations he makes, you will be more equipped to deal with things. (((HUGS))) My heart goes out to you...my husband has been unfaithful twice (that I know of..my gut tells me it is more)...and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to come to grips with. Two years later I'm still not sure I can ever trust him again...partially because he gave enough to get back in my good graces and then checked completely out of our marriage and family again just 9 short months later. (related to starting and stopping ADHD meds...somewhat)
Thank you Sherri & also to
Submitted by Wife_of_adhd_guy on
Thank you Sherri & also to the other person who posted their concern :) I know why I am still here and this is simply because of the depth of my love for this man. I always believed that he was my best friend and soul mate for life, and thought that he felt the same way. We have had a very unique friendship and relationship and although far from being a bed of roses all of the time up until now I always believed whole heartedly that despite other hurts and sacrifices made on my part, I was his one and only. I was also sexually abused as a child and as a young adult. I came from a broken home with a dad that although I love dearly, was a rotten husband to my beautiful mum, whom I had to witness being taken away in a straight jacket when I was only at age 6. My mum had a complete and total breakdown that she never fully recovered from because of his infidelities and unacceptable treatment of her, which eventually left her completely broken. Because of the instability in my childhood what I have always valued the most in my life is security and stability. With my husband I thought I had this and although I am certainly not the first woman to have been so completely blind to what was under her nose and no doubt I wont be the last, I just feel so shaken to the core. Every time I closed my eyes tonight all I could see was s swarm of different women's faces, of all ages, types and nationalities whom I assume my brain was trying to conjure up and depict what the prostitutes all looked like. Naturally I suppose, I have not slept at all but on a good note think I do not have any moisture left in my body to shed any more tears today. I have taken some positive steps however, I contacted a dear friend to ask for a recommendation for wellness centre. I told my husband that I intend to book myself into this place next week, despite the cost, not only to sort out my head but to rid myself of smoking as I suffer from COPD and this is something that although needing my urgent attention, I have failed to address. As I have felt my stress levels risen over the last few months, my smoking has doubled which is so stupid and detrimental to myself with this condition! Secondly I have been working in a job that has caused much physical discomfort for the better good of my family, but most definitely not my own health. I phoned my boss and told her that I was going to have to resign unless I could be granted some extended leave which I know is not possible financially for the business. Last but certainly not least I have joined this community along with recovery nation which looks very promising for getting help. So thank you for sharing Sherri & your lovely big (((hugs))) as right at this very moment you have helped me at least do some positive things and also done what I would have thought impossible at the moment, made me smile :) I am not fooling myself that this is going to be easy but I at least feel that I have done something, the little scared voice at the back of my head is still whispering though that it is not me that it is worried about in taking all of the steps necessary and with love & patience to the light at the end of the tunnel. x.