Please Help! How Do Non ADHD Partners Communicate Effectively With Their ADHD Partners?

Hi All, 

I have read through many of these forums, and as a non ADHD partner, I can relate to so many of you. I am currently in a relationship with a man with ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was 18 and is now 28. He was taking adderall for the first couple of years after being diagnosed, and then stopped. We have been together for almost three years now, and it has been incredibly difficult this past year especially. We have been getting into many arguments about the lack of communication, my feelings of distrust, intimacy issues, and overall not feeling heard, important, or seen as a priority. I have asked for a few days of space for some clarity and perspective on what to do, as I am at a loss. We had talked about seeing a doctor to get back on adderall at one point, but he has not made that happen, and at this point I want to do it for him, but also don't want to come off as taking too much control over him, as he has stated he feels criticized or that I am being controlling at times. I don't mean to be this way, I just feel completely lost when I cannot communicate. What are some ways that you have coped with these issues, and how do you communicate so that both parties are heard and understood? 

Thank you in advance for any advice!

Good morning! ccarpenter....

The reality of what you are experiencing is basic stuff for trying to be in a relationship w/ an adhd partner who refuses to be aware, and daily do what they need to do to be fit to be in a relationship...(ability and desire to communicate)

 When our communication attempts seem like they aren't being heard, most of us have a fall back effort that comes next...To Press!...Also frustration and anxiety builds in us...Thus, the conflict and arguments you are experiencing. This is the fault of the non-adhd partner.

It's the illusion of thinking they (adhd mind) can hear and comprehend on the same level as u can...And it is also making the assumption that they are willing to face their issues...(not in denial)

Once you realize the adhd mind just because of the normal appearances', (may be a brilliant on the job, kind and engaging most of the time) is anything but normal when it comes to certain tasks that you take for granted...Hearing* comprehending* ability to make a plan and stick to it* many intimacy problems come from the inability to fit it into their hectic schedules* forgetfulness and distractions is just part of them*. 

So if you refuse to manage your life w/ the recognition of all of these difference's it will be a very painful and stress filled life for you, me, and anyone else who takes that stance...I'M RIGHT AND THEY MUST COMPLY!...That is fools gold and you will only experience a miserable existence.....

Right now my adhd spouse who is off work today (i am retired) is at home in bed, it's 9:32 am...(I asked her if she wanted to get up and have breakfast w/ me, (me cook it) and she w/ stress in her voice said, I want to sleep 30 more minutes...Past experience tells me that my be noon or later, do I put my life on hold, or just go live my life??) So, I'm up the road w/ my laptop having breakfast because her reality is she can't get up, and if you ask her too...She is a sad victim....So, I got up happy and blessed, am I going to live in this contented spirit?? or Press! and experience the hells??....Also when I don't accept her reality and press...I become a 10 time bigger problem than her...Because I know better....

If your friend watches you just live your life...Be kind to him, but, never allow his actions to hinder you from doing the right things for yourself....You will have done all you can for him!

That is what speaks to our adhd  friends and spouses...Our love and our example....Never our dumping of frustration because of their inability or unwillingness to be able to mange their lives to suit us??

We all have our misgivings, and if we are going to enjoy the beauty that the Creator affords us to be friends or even life partners....We must take responsibility for our own crap,, and not allow others crap to become ours:) See how that works?? 

It's not about eggshell walking, controlling, or being subjected to control, blame and manipulation...We can never pressure a person into not being who they are*...It's about just quietly walking away from the dysfunction of what is normal for them....

Boundaries are a must in these relationships in my opinion and experience...It protects both of you because of your total difference in seeing life through such different lens.... 

The bottom line.....Some people are just not good candidates for sharing w/ another human in life....Not Necessarily adhd minds, but, that with in it self is going to produce struggles and the need for patients in a big way;).

If you haven't made any life commitments...I would really really think twice...

But I wish you great peace this day!


I suggest you look around the

I suggest you look around the forums.....I gave everything and lost everything.  Not saying you should leave but you're young and have learn and be well.  wishing you peace.