Hi everyone, I'm new here and I really need some support. I normally wouldn't lay my life out like this but I can't continue on like this...
My husband and I have had problems for years. We've always known he has ADHD, but I never understood how much ADHD can impact a marriage until I found information on this site about 6 months ago. Everyone loves my husband and thinks hes the most amazing man on the planet, so when he suggested our problems were all my fault i just accepted it. Now, he's finally medicated (but still thinks i am the problem) and nothing is changing.
Here is some back story - we met when I was 17 and he was 20. I was still in high school but he completely swept me off my feet. We got pregnant, but i refused help from my parents in anyway to prove that *we* could take care of our daughter. In hind sight, I should have welcomed their help. I completely burnt myself out. I worked after school and on weekends and put all of my money into savings while pregnant. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was unemployed. After I had our daughter we moved in to affordable housing and I worked 2 jobs in addition to using the savings i had from working while pregnant since he was unemployed (all while nursing the baby.) We got kicked out by our room mates because he refused to do his chores, even though working 60+ hours i did mine. For years he couldn't keep a job and I worked my tail off to provide for our family. He keeps putting us into financially STUPID situations that i have to use everything ive worked for to get us out of and its tanked my credit because he puts everything in my name. We now have 3 children, a house, and are married. He finally found a job he has stuck with for over a year but its not stable.
Throughout this time we've fought. About his unemployment, about his family hating me, about how inattentive he's gotta towards me. And with every fight he has an excuse or flat out tells me that I am crazy and none of what I am saying is true. I think the worst part about it is that when I cry.. The look on his face. The man looks at me with complete apathy and a little bit of success, as if he won because I broke down and cried. Yesterday I started to walk out of the room because I felt the tears coming and he yelled at me. I turned around with tears streaming down my face and he didn't even skip a beat. He saw my tears and immediately started to do something else. Is that even an ADHD thing? I can't imagine feeling nothing at all when someone cries, even a stranger. Once, I tried to bring up that it hurt my feeling and he said its my fault because "its hard to sympathize with someone who is saying terrible things about you." I never said anything terrible about him. I was begging him to spend time with me instead of his newest obsession. He starts these friendships and gets absorbed in them.
I need help. I can't do everything on my own, I'm not young anymore. I work over 40 hours every week, whereas he leaves early every week. I have to "follow up" with the kids homework when I get home because he misses things when he helps them with their homework or flat out doesn't tell me something important. I have to clean up after him and the kids everyday and he just doesn't get that he makes a mess. If I try to draw his attention to a mess he's made he shrugs it off and makes some excuse like its all OK. For example: I hate dirty clothes. Especially dirty socks. He put his dirty socks on the table. When I asked him about it he flat out lied and said they fell out of his pants onto the table. I know it was a lie because they were layer out flat next to each other... Not bunched like they fell out.
I've been living like this for years but now that he's on medicine and nothing has changed I feel truly hopeless. If I ask him for help he will tell me he will do it but it will never get done. If I remind him nicely he gets angry at me for nagging, or says I am being demeaning by reminding him. If I remind him angrily he tells me that I am mean. Actually, if I say anything about responsibilities at all he tells me it is "completely uncalled for" whether I am nice or mean. I just want him to take responsibility for some of the household. I hate feeling like I am the only one who cares. I hate living in fear because he will erupt if I say anything at all that he doesn't want to hear.
He's not helping me with the house chores or repairs (we bought an old house that I DID NOT WANT because he just had to have it), he's not doing everything he can to help financially (yes he has a job but what does it matter if he spends all his money), he is detrimental to my emotional health and no one can see it! No ones sees what I go through. All they see is a dirty house and how miserable I am when I am at home and assume I am a bad mom or a bad wife. Recently I've started to feel such anger rise up in me because of it... What do I do?? How can I change this??