Several days ago ADD H told me he wanted me to look at the state website with him because he was re-registering his car and was having trouble. Last night I was working on something of my own when he asked me to come over and take a look with him. After standing around waiting for a few minutes (he was replying to emails and commenting on FB) I said "call me over when you are ready" and started to walk away. He huffed and stopped but first had to find the email from the DMV, but where was it? Can't find it either of his 2 email accounts. I said go to the DMV website and forget the emails. He finally gets into the website and shows me the form and he proceeded to fill it out as he had done so a "hundred" times previously and kept getting the same message to check the information entered. He did this several times and was getting more agitated each time. So, if you've ever helped someone with a problem, you have to ask questions to see where the situation stands and what other options need to be addressed. I asked him did you try this?...how about that?... He started raising his voice asking the usual, What am I an idiot, of course I did? How stupid do you think I am? I started to leave the room seeing no good coming from this interaction but he was standing in the way so I sat down and disengaged. I told him I would not help him unless he lowered his voice and act civilly toward me.
The end result was that after he calmed down a little and let me actually control the computer, it took a minute to register the damn car. He has vanity plates and was not choosing the correct category for the vehicle. There were little bubbles to click on for more information for each line of information to be entered and where to find it on the current document. I opened each one to verify the information was entered correctly while he squirmed because I wasn't going fast enough and I was wasting "his" time (I guess my time is ok to waste though). I followed the instructions, found the incorrect information, corrected it and bam...car registered. I said nothing just handed the computer back to him to pay the fee. No thanks from him either but I've learned not to expect it. I have nothing to say to him today, just moving on and acting like he isn't there.
If you fill out a form a "hundred" times and keep getting the same message, how can you be so arrogant to expect the problem isn't some mistake you are making? He is very smart but doesn't read or double check anything. He just expects he knows everything and everyone else is at fault. Of course the state has a stupid website and how was he supposed to know that he was supposed to choose "other", it certainly isn't his fault!! I'm thinking that's why they put those informational bubbles but dare not say so for fear of starting WWIII. He has a very low threshold for frustration and reacts without thinking of the consequences.
I am very curious to know from someone with ADD or someone with insight why he feels he is entitled to act in such a roughshod manner, bulldozing over my feelings, and disrespectful when I am trying to give him the help HE asked for.
I do not have ADHD but
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
I do not have ADHD but thought I would weigh in on this. I was frustrated for you reading your post. Do you think that maybe your DH was embarrassed that he could not do this simple task himself? My DH does not act unkind towards me in these situations but he certainly gets frustrated, angry, and then embarrassed after I accomplish that task so easily. He also calls me in well before he is prepared to do the task at hand and it makes me crazy waiting for him to let go of the hundred other things he needs to complete first or close the hundred browser tabs he has open. I had to learn what triggers my husband into frenzy and try to calm him when it happens or help avoid it. I understand what you are feeling. Best of luck!
No more help...call the number
Submitted by adhd32 on
If he wasn't so arrogant and just read the directions he could have easily accomplished this himself. HE asked for MY help and then ended up being extremely disrespectful to me. Asking questions seems to set off something in him but how to help without asking anything? I don't engage him when he is being an ass and I no longer allow him to berate me either. I don't walk on eggshells anymore, I walk away. Next time he can wait on hold for 30 minutes and call DMV, I will not help him. He can sure dish it out but cannot take even a perceived disrespectful comment or behavior from anyone, even a kid who doesn't know better or a waiter who is clearly just making small talk. He will expect things to just blow over minimizing his behavior; the behavior of others, however, is his subject of discussion ad nauseam.
Now, not now....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's typical behavior...Time, what is time? When you consider his frustration level and hyper focus on the material...It is hard for him to find mind space for your plight in the matter....(consider you) I use to constantly find myself waiting....To go somewhere, for her to get to the table to eat, for her to get in bed with me...I expect it now, and try to make sure I don't turn up my own emotional level....
You did right IMO...The only thing I would suggest in these situations is to set a boundary right up front.. (bring me the computer, and I will look at it without you, and let you know if I have any luck) or refuse to try and help....When it's not a healthy atmosphere (already worked up) you know it, and so do most of us...But in the name of trying to come along side our spouse and offer help, we end up with only regret for our efforts...
c
No apologies...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've often wondered about that...She can be so sensitive and even read things into others comments that has nothing to do with her....Then act like her crap should just be forgotten w/o a word... And every one should be all smiles...Really? LOL....There's a reason for it....
Just another one of those concessions some people thing they some how deserve....
c
I go through the exact same
Submitted by Libby on
I go through the exact same thing with my DH. He will ask for my help with something and I always am left waiting while he tries to organize himself. Many fits of temper over whatever is being done also. And of course never ask a question or try to confirm anything with him. I can see that tasks that involve filling out forms are overwhelming for my husband. He gets very agitated, impatient and stressed. What hurts me the most is that I know he would be able to control himself if he was working with someone else. I am his dearly beloved and his partner in life. I m treated like sh*t on his shoes.
Yep...
Submitted by c ur self on
What hurts me the most is that I know he would be able to control himself if he was working with someone else.
This is another reality that has nothing to do w/ adhd...But it's a dynamic that happens many times in marriages....Stranger = kindness and patients....Spouse = disrespect and impatients....
When dealing with this dysfunctional dynamic over the years, I wonder how many here has said I have....Hey, just treat me like you would a stranger off the street....;) It would be so much kinder!
c
This hit home for me. My DH
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
This hit home for me. My DH is not nasty to me and nice to stranger but he does have much more time for strangers. It is like their needs are more important than mine. It is really hard to accept that way of thinking. I think if he treated me like a stranger on most days I would get more of his attention :-(
We need professionals from the start....
Submitted by c ur self on
Time, Attention & Care!...It's just very difficult for some people to make there marriage relationship the priority that it was meant to be.....Instead of the unhealthy dialog that goes on between a Man and his Wife concerning this dynamic a third party should be brought in from the beginning....So much hurt could have been avoided and so much learning could have taken place for us, if we hadn't been so prideful (me) from the start....
I was a 50 year old widower, coming off of a 30 year marriage....She was 46 years old, and had never been married...I had no idea about how to relate to her...add/ on adderall and anti-depressants...I was an idiot...Life was easy for me...
We have been spending the last 5 years trying to recover from the first 5....
c
My ex-husband seems to hate
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-husband seems to hate asking for help. I think he prefers doing things all by himself or not doing things at all to asking for help. On those occasions when he has asked for help (or I have, in his presence), he has seemed to feel very embarrassed and has offered excuses why he couldn't do the thing himself. All while I'm thinking, chill! It's okay to receive assistance!
I have also noticed that when he encounters a step in a process or a part of a project that he doesn't understand, he'll often just skip it. I once asked him to look over an income tax form I had filled out online for one of our children. It was from another state and was really quite complicated. My husband is smart and much better at math than I am so I thought it would be a good idea for him to look at my computations. As he was going through it, I realized he was skipping some of the very necessary steps. He expressed much frustration and annoyance when I pointed this out.
WWIII
Submitted by ADD-wife on
I have ADD and can tell you that it’s not ok to be disrespectful, or ungrateful. Maybe your husband has feelings about not being able to complete the form (and probably ADD in general) and so he uses arrogance as a shield? I don’t think your husband’s entitlement is realistic and I don’t think you do either based on your observations. Low threshold for frustration and reacting before thinking about consequences is commonplace for me. And it hurts those I love. My husband holds me accountable for disrespectful behavior and I thank him for that because the last thing I want to do is hurt my family. I don’t have much trust because of my lack of self-control. The only thing I can do from one “ADD upset” to the next is try to behave in a civilized manner, and thank God when I do so. Patience, perseverance and accountability are necessary on either side of our marriage. We fail miserably -especially me- but are trying our best. Here, it is WWIII every day.
ADD-wife
Submitted by c ur self on
If everyone here, add or not, would be as honest and forthright about ourselves and our tendencies as you are...This forum wouldn't get much action....I agree with you, there is no place for disrespect in our relationships, and we can all find plenty to be thankful for....
c
I Think I Can Help
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi adhd32.....I've been away from the forum for a while and focusing on myself since my split last year and I've really began to notice ( more being aware ) of my reactions in different situations. I'm really paying attention to how I feel and simply asking myself "why?".
This has been an amazing excersise both....in changing my self talk as well as what I say to others which really many times are two different things.
I think in the past...this was not so clearly defined and I'm finding that communication is much easier when I can do this better. It really is a practice thing but with a dedication to improving and a desire to do so. I think this is of utmost importance to have some kind of commitment and a willingness to do so.
Having said that...your post resonated with something that just happened today so whole this is fresh in my mind, I'll share my inner thoughts and reactions with you which might give you some insight in what is "not being said".
To start....this is the part that responded with me since the same thing happened almost exactly today. The difference with me was that this was of no consequence and perhaps, I can explain why?
[So, if you've ever helped someone with a problem, you have to ask questions to see where the situation stands and what other options need to be addressed. I asked him did you try this?...how about that?... He started raising his voice asking the usual, What am I an idiot, of course I did?]
First off, I want to second what has already been said. ( based on myself )...his reaction was un-called for. Everything from my point of view was something happening ( inside him ) and he was not communicating what he really wanted. Reading him through what you said...or rather....if I read him and what he wanted was not for you to help him...but for you to figure out what the problem was? Do you understand the difference? "Help"...as in assistance means exactly what you said. Asking questions and running down a check list to see if he missed anything?
Here's what happened today and how I handled that. I really don't think it makes any difference whether It's a stranger, a new acquaintance or someone you know very well. The "ADHD" part...is basically in effect 24/7....so internally speaking , the internal reaction is the same.
I had done a job for a friend, and in trade as part of my payment, my friend had a riding lawn tractor that was in perfect condition that she was going to sell and I really have a need for exactly what she had ( right now in fact since my old one needs some work and I don't need any more projects right now )
So this turned out to be a perfect bargain since she just bought a brand new one that cost her quite a bit if money. The only thing wrong with it was it needed new belts but this is where her neighbor got involved. Her neighbor is a retired gentleman who spends his time working on his car hobby so we hit it off right away and have a lot in common. He's been her go to guy...for all things mechanical so He's worked on this mower before to keep it up and running. He came over several times momentarily to offer assistance and just hang around and watch what was going on. He and I both tore the thing apart to get to the problem which was more than just the belts. She had never changed them or done the regular maintenance and basically used it until it broke down...and then went out and bought a new one even though, it's only a few years old.
Getting to the moment today...
I spent some time trouble shooting this machine, and found a few things that needed attention. I hunted down a new belt...and was now putting it back together.
Right about then...the neighbor stopped by and I was glad he did because we both took it apart and I was now trying to remember what he did on one specific problem I was having in remembering the order and how it came apart. And basically I said " hey....I'm glad your here I could use a hand here if you have a minute." And with that, he helped me by lending a hand ( two hands instead of one ) until we reached one spot where it wasn't gong together right?
This is where...he started doing the same thing you did and started asking questions ( without knowing what I had already done and figured out myself )
What it came down to was this. I had one very specific spot ( literally one nut and bolt...that I couldn't remember where it came from ( exactly ) but I knew it was either this one spot or another?
Since he had walked in without knowing any of that....he started going through the entire process ( for me again ...since I had just done it! Lol ) He didn't know that...and I realized that myself....but in that moment is when I felt my patience being tested. I sat and listened to him go through the exact same thing ..that I had just done...so for the most part...what I saw was him ..fanimiaruzung himself more than actually helping me? I was in essense....answering and telling him what I had just spent an hour doing and none of that was a the problem....I knew what the problem was. .and when he was finished ( getting up to speed ) I showed him what it was and asked if he remembered this one part. He didn't either so we were both in the dark! Lol
He hung around for a little while and still lend me a hand. He also invited me over to his shop to use his grinder ( to sharpen the blades ) brought over a couple of tools and some special grease he had as well. None of that...fixed the problem but all of it was necessary as means to get this thing back into shape. I was focused in the problem...and he was finding other things as well. I wasn't at that point yet...but all of it was helpful none the less. He didn't have the answer I wanted....but he was more than helpful and that moment of impatience and frustration ( not with him...the mower!! Lol ) passed without incident. It required me...to jyst allow him to offer what he had to offer...and really more than anything....teach or tell him...what I already knew so we both were on th3 same page and we could get to the specific problem. ( a choice between 2 different ways it could go. When we finally got down to it....I was glad he stuck around. As soon as I put the correct bolt and nut on the correct pulleu....he said..." that's it....that looks right" Which I was thinking the same thing at the same time. It was confirmation ( from him ) that I really needed the most.
I didn't ask for that specifically...what I said was..."can you lend me a hand?"
Well ...he did that ..and he did more than that including trouble shooting what I had already done....but like I said...I read that as him...needing to get up to speed and familiarize himself more than anything? His questions were for him in order to do this.
I didn't ask for that ( nor did I need it ) but he didn't know...and if course, neither did I ? That is...the answer....to the specific problem of this one nut and bolt?
That's all I needed or wanted from him...and the bottom line was...he helped in the best way he could and it was helpful plus...I got the extra pair if hands that I asked for. As soon as he saw that I finally found the right combination...he said "I'll leave you in your misery.." with a smile and a nod. Lol
What I experienced in that moment ( internally) was frustration and impatience and not getting what I really needed or wanted. I wasn't asking or wanting him to " do it with me"...I was asking him for a hand in one trouble spot and that was it.
What I get from all of this in reading what you said is:
He had no idea what the problem was....and he had reached the end of his patience and frustration level. What he wanted from the sound if it...was for you to do it for him but was unable to say so ( or perhaps ) even realize exactly what the problem was? I see....you doing what the gentleman today and there is nothing wrong with that what so ever It's not what I wanted either...he was just trying to be helpful. But I didn't need him to figure anything out ( or problem solve )...I only needed him to look and say..." no...thats not right.... or.....yes, I think you got it...thats what I remember too."
But then again....he was there involved from the beginning....I only got stuck on one part...and he was just there for support and assistance to get through this one specific thing...and that was it.
The impatience and moment of frustration came and went ...I said nothing, allowed it, lived through it...amd all was well. Lol
I still experienced it though...but at the sane time....I recognized and read what he was trying to do at the sane time. He was helping me as I asked...amd he offered me more than I asked for.
The benefits of this exchange...I already noted.
You asked for insight to try and understand....I hope that helps from my inner thoughts and feelings from what sounded like a very similar situation?
Not reacting and just allowing was my answer to that. It went well in other words...and I was able to communicate eventually to the place I wanted to be.