please help - need advice especially from Nons.

I have been irritated for years over the fact that DH does no housework at all.  Absolutely NONE.  I had chalked it up to the fact that he is in Academia and has lots of work to do outside of just teaching.  Also, since the kids, I haven't had a 'real' job and have made a paltry amount of money each of the last 6 years.  But I'm getting angrier and angrier as my schedule fills up with jobs and I am STILL doing everything.

We sat down and made a schedule, like he'd suggested, because i'm lousy at time management.  But it's not working out at all, because the times that i've set aside on weekends to get my work done, he will not 'babysit' the kids.  There's always some reason why he can't ("I've got work to do!") but.... he is always instead, playing with his iPad.  I have pointed this out on numerous occasions, we have 'learning conversations' where he agrees (reluctantly and grumpily) that he'll clean the kitchen on the ONE night a week I'm not there to do it... but then... it doesn't happen.  I still have to beg/nag/remind.  The few times during the week that I'd set aside to prepare for classes, are now filled with classes.  I have to rely on him to give me time to work, because the only time I'm able to is when he is home and he doesn't want me to hire a babysitter because that would be ridiculous when we're both home.

Now, folks here's the thing:  he is NOT ADHD.  *I* am the one with the 'problem.' He is FULLY CAPABLE of cleaning up after himself and the kids but for some reason will not do it.  When I left town for a few days while DD#1 was about a year old, all of our friends joked that he would be so grateful when I returned.  Instead, when I came home the house was tidy and dinner was simmering on the stove.  So.... he CAN do it.  But WON'T.  He has often told me he feels 'disrespected' if I leave a dresser drawer or cabinet door open...  and I am NOT CONSCIOUSLY DOING IT AND HE KNOWS THAT.... so..... how much respect is he showing me when he won't lift a finger?

I have several non-ADHD friends who complain about their husbands' lack of participation in household chores.  This is what they say: "Oh, I just HATE how he does laundry!  He will fold everything, but only put HIS stuff away and leave my stuff and the kids stuff folded on the bed!" Or, "He just won't eat leftovers!  He insists on cooking a whole different meal every night and then we have all this extra food in the fridge that just goes bad!"  or, "When he takes the kids out, he doesn't re-stock the diaper bag as soon as he gets home!"  One friend was shocked that every morning I get up and get DD#1 ready for school, even though DH is the one who drops her off on his way (4 blocks farther) to work.  DH gets up and spends 45 minutes in the bathroom (with the iPad of course).  He is angry if I don't have her ready and her lunch packed on time.  My friend explained to me that in her relationship, whoever takes their daughter to school is the one who gets up and gets her ready and packs lunch the night before so that the other one can SLEEP IN.  They have routines in place, like, who will cook what night and who will clean what.  there is nothing like that here because I do everything.  One friend asked, "So... what would happen if you just didn't do it?"  well, that's easy.  the mess would just pile up.... Even after having what I'd hoped was a successful talk last week, I still came home to a mess last night.  After I'd gone to bed, he did a half assed job cleaning up but only after this conversation:

me:  "Um... ok, so.... remember that you said it would be ok if you cleaned up on Fridays?"

DH:  "No... YOU can clean it up!"

me: "Ok... that's really not funny."

This morning when I got up (at 6am with DD#2 - he never gets up with the kids....) The plates had been washed and the pots/pans were clean but he'd left them on the (dirty) stove.  there were cups on the table still half full of drinks, and the mess of toys/craft stuff he'd gotten out for the kids was left untouched, beads all over the floor just waiting to be stepped on.  Books, clothes, toys all over the floor & couch/coffee table...

DD#1 had a bday party to go to and I was hosting a play date for DD#2, so instead of doing the work I need to get done for my classes next week (as per what we agreed on with our schedule) I had to frantically clean.  also, we were out of everything because of the hurricane and I had to go pick up something to feed these people.  DH (playing with the iPad, of course) asked where I was going.  I said I had to run out to get some food for the play date.  He said, annoyed, "Ummmm.... well, I gotta leave in like, 25 minutes, so do you want to take DD#2 with you?"  I just said, "No.  No, I don't.  I'll be back in 15-20 minutes."  He acted like he was doing me a big favor by going to the bday party, but in reality, he just brought DD#1 to the party and then went out for beer with the bday girl's dad. 

He spends an average of 4 hours per weekday and 8 hours on Saturdays/sundays on the couch with the iPad watching videos, facebooking, reading articles... whatever.  While i am constantly in motion, picking up messes or cooking or cleaning....  It is so infuriating.  These numbers are NOT 'ADHD exaggeration' estimates.  I actually TIMED him and kept a log for 2 weeks.

I was wondering if there was some ratio I don't understand... some dollar amount that I need to earn for him to actually start pitching in.  According to my Non ADD friends, this is not the case.  Even stay-at-home-mom friends of mine trade off housework with their spouses who work full time.  They all think he is self-centered and misogynist.  He DID grow up in a household where his mother did all the housework/cooking, but he always denies it when I ask him if he was influenced by that.  When I ask WHY he does nothing, he still always says, "I don't know."


I really can't go on like this.  I'm so angry these days my hands shake.