Please Help! "Pretend" cyber cheating gone wrong

Hello, I am a 23 year old male with ADHD. I honestly feel like a poster child for ADHD, but then again I bet everyone with ADHD feels that way. I have experienced every symptom in the book when it comes to ADHD. One strange thing I have experienced is the tendency to masturbate.

Even as a child, I would masturbate. It would send a stimulation to my brain and my little ADHD brain would be satisfied. I feel like my brain would crave the stimulation and figure that masturbating was an easy fix because I was doing it every day sometimes more than once. I am curious if this is truly due to being ADHD.

Once I hit my teenage years and became introduced to internet porn, it was game over. I would spend hours in front of the screen looking at porn. My anxiety would get so bad I couldn't go do things I needed to do until I masturbated.

I recently married my wife after being with her for five years. She isn't very understanding of my masturbating and I cant say I blame her, because I don't understand it either. Of course it then played a factor in our sex life. I was already drained from masturbating earlier that I would not be in the mood to have sex.

Where it really went wrong was when the porn wasn't enough. I needed more stimulation so I went to an escort site (<deleted by admin>) and looked at the ads as a form of porno. When that didn't get my brain excited enough I would even email the escorts pretending I was interested in seeing them. PLEASE NOTE: I was not interested in seeing them what so ever. So whenever the escorts responded to my emails it sent this rush to my brain and stimulated me even further.

My wife has found out twice now about these emails. The first time I tried to explain it to her that it was just for excitement, a kind of fantasy. She didn't understand, which I understand of course. She told me if it happens again, it is over. Well it did happen(just the other day) and she is thinking about leaving me. She thinks I really went through and met with these women. It is hard to explain the reasons why I did what I did when I don't fully understand myself.

I never cheated on my wife, but she calls it cheating because the emails were so sexual. I don't know what to do. I feel like this craving for stimulation has killed my relationship with my wife. I love her with all of my heart. I never meant to hurt her. I need to take ownership of what I did, but its hard when I can't find the reason behind it. I don't want to cheat on her, I am extremely attracted to her. Theres another reason out there.

I truly believe my ADHD brain may be a factor in all of this but I don't know. What do I do? How can I make her see past the hurt? PLEASE someone help me. My marriage depends on it.