How Can You Work Something out with someone if you try but they avoid you?
The Begriming: I was in a relationship with an ADHD man for 10 months. He is 15 years younger than me. He lived with me and I felt like the reason he didn't help out more was because he didn't love me. He would only help when he saw me doing something. I felt like I became a nagger I never was. He wasn't paying rent because his job didn't pay much. He was affectionate loving sweet funny. I was happy like never before and in love the first time in my life. But I started to feel like I was Mothering him and to doubt and question if he loved me. His Grandmother would said he was a better person with me. There was a huge lack of communication he would just shut down and retreat in himself. We would text each other while we were in the same house!Over one weekend: one night I texted him (in the same house me upstairs him downstairs) I was driving in the car with him that and I felt like opening the door and going under the wheels of upcoming cars. I wanted a reaction show me you love me. It was wrong. He would not come up to talk to me. I did not consider his Grandfather killed himself or maybe I did. When hours later he came upstairs be laid in bed with me but removed his arm to check a text. I got up and told him obviously the text was more important. The next day I tried talking to him and started crying. He wouldn't even respond to me. I asked him how he felt that I was crying he shrugged and said he did not know. Later that night I gave him a choice either be a partner and be happy with me or go back with his grandmother. (He's family is toxic to him). He went to her. I was breaking up with him and he knew it but I wanted it to be his choice. I still pursued him after this well because of all his I love yous and plans he made and ideas he had for the future together. I wanted him to see he we could have that. We got back together 15 days later but it didn't last a week. I thought things were good but he stopped communicating with me. He does not talk his feelings out with anyone the most has been with me. He doesn't even with his friends. He does get attached very easily and saw my friend and her daughters as family. Her lil girls would text him and bug him. it was a joke but when we got back together this time he started talking with them about how much he loved me and wanted it to work, I was his ying to his yang, but was worried he couldn't provide for me financially. Yet he wouldn't talk to me but say things like that to a 13 year old girl? Highly inappropriate. I tried to talk with him and he hung up on me. I was at my wits end.
June 17, 2012 I checked his e-mail and found a lot of porn and pictures he received. And him asking people if they were "hosting" and while we were broke up he was responding to craigs list and sending pics of him and his daughter together that I took at my house. I felt betrayed. I brought his stuff over to his Grandmothers and confronted him. I told him the pics while innocent are sent to sleazy people and do affect his daughter. He made his excuses and horribly I took a swing at him. It was too much for me the texting my friend's daughter and porn both looked damning. The swing never connected and I left. I was horrible. Later July 4, 2012 I sent him all the e-mails I found and added my comments of what a liar and cheater he was. I was so angry and hurt.
August 11, 2012 I pursued him again, he came running back that very night. Said he never wanted to lose me again and would do ever thing he had to. That week we talked or I kinda grilled him. I found out he did webcam. I did see this as cheating and let him know. He said he knew I wouldn't like it and it was an adrenaline rush he got into from a previous bad relationship. He wouldn't do it anymore. We seemed to clear up a lot of through communication there were a whole lot of miscommunications. He said he would have never contacted me because he felt so ashamed. He realized now communication was the key. I said a lot of horrible things to him that week about how I felt betrayed and everyone thought he was horrible how if I would have found out I was pregnant I would have left the state. My friend with the daughter made it very clear over and over she thought he was trash. He heard her and I had to ask her to stop. It was like I felt he wasn't sorry enough or didn't see how much he hurt me. I even told him I couldn't't seem to help myself. We both said we would take it slow but weren't we were all over each other sexually. I think I felt insecure about the porn etc I know I did. It seemed like he was trying like he never tried before. He told me he looked at pictures of him and me and realized he was never happy before he met me. It reminded me of when I asked him how he felt about me he said it was like when his Grandfather would come home from work how excited he would feel. But he also told me during this week he knew I was his peak and I was way up there and he was way down there. I never wanted him to feel that way. Then he didn't talk to me for almost 24 hours I felt like it was the same thing as last time. The same pattern and I zeroed in on that. He did say he had to work on some things with me but alone too. Which was a big thing I didn't realize until later.He did come over I said some regretful things told him it was the same behavior and pattern over again and how disappointed I was. Maybe it was maybe it wasn't but I didn't wait and see. (Note: I felt betrayed because for once I didn't doubt that he loved me and then WHAM but what if he was really trying and I said how disappointed I was in him? That's horrible.) We held each other for 10 minutes like fools on my porch saying goodbye for the night. I think I was telling him goodbye that night and he felt like I was. I did try reaching out to him and he would barely respond. Then he stopped for days.
August 27, 2012 Then he responded to one of my text with he needed to clear his mind, a thank you he knows what to do now because of me, that I don't have 10 years to wait for him to figure things out. I asked him to meet me so we could talk face to face. He said he couldn't he didn't like it and had to do it this way. He said he was trying to break up with me and save a friendship. He's never been friends with anyone after a break up. I asked why? He said it wasn't clicking like before something was missing. I said what about the week all those I love yous I don't want to lose you and all the plans he was making. He said it wasn't clicking then either. I basically said How can you be friends with someone you can't face and he was scared that any minute I would dump him again and he would lose me, that he became overwhelmed and couldn't handle it. He never responded. His family is very unhealthy and they always put him down. I realized I was being like them at times some things I said I was horrified at myself it wasn't like me. I tried asking after a couple days for a chance to talk and try mutual respect and understanding with me. It's funny my friends said he had a lot of damage and was never able to really show me anything and he had to earn back the trust with me. I did help him alot paid off a debt helped him with school his daughter he always said I was his motivation etc etc. but I have my damage too and was not always healthy with my reactions to him. React React.
September 2, 2012 I wrote a letter and put it in a box with 2 ADHD self help books (he was talking about counseling and still very confused about his ADHD) and I walked to his Grandmothers. I thought it was worth fighting for. I thought either we would try and work it out or he could say he doesn't love me to my face and I could move on. I wanted to say I was sorry to him and to his Grandmother. He was there but wouldn't even answer the door. I texted him to open the door. as I was about to leave he texted why. Why would I just randomly come over he was about to leave. I said I wanted to tell him something and give him something. He just said what.He's avoiding. I told him there were a lot of perverts out there (he lives in a bad neighborhood) and I was not comfortable with all the attention, He never responded to that just avoiding. I said this was childish he said hes avoiding and cant deal with it. I said hes scared he said bs hes avoiding and can't deal with it now.I said I wanted to tell him I'm sorry but he won't let me. He said for what you didn't do anything wrong. I texted of course I did. I texted him 2 or 3 times to tell me if he doesn't love me to be honest and I would leave him alone.He never said it. Just that hes avoiding. I texted you want me to leave you alone I will respect that and walk. (this is the last thing I ever said to him) He said all this could have been avoided if I would have texted him before I came over and thank you. I saw no point in saying well you've been avoiding and not answering my texts too. I saw him several days later when I was with my friend (the one that has the daughter) he was driving behind us and swerved to go in another direction to avoid going the same way as us . She said he almost clipped her back end. Again, friends say he acted like a coward again by running and I did everything I could, always tried working things out, and that he knows the balls in his court, I chased him enough and he simply doesn't care. That him not even bothering to open the door was treating me like crap and the ultimate disrespect. The letter I wrote and left on his porch was saying sorry but also how we push and pull one foot in and one foot out. How I always felt when he was physically with me he loved me and was happy. Yet when he wasn't it was like all the fear and doubt would come and he would convince himself he doesn't love me or care. That we were both hurt and afraid of losing each other so one leaves before the other one because it hurts less that way. Or does it? That we never fail in relationships if we learn from mistakes. They would be some but to learn from them with me. It takes time together. That it takes communication and commitment and that I was all in and for him to give it a real chance with me and I love him. I double dared him. No response.Yet I love him and this is breaking my heart. Effecting my work, my sleep etc. I wanted closure when I went there either way. It takes 2 in a relationship and I did wrong too. I wanted to try differently but I need him was doing. My friends say he had a lot of ideas and I love yous but it was all talk no action. We did fall into the parent_child dynamic me wanting to fix. That was bad for both of us. I realized how much I was equally to blame. We both are responsible for ourselves
I even mistexted him. I meant to text my brother and said how I was falling apart about my mom and her health and I so needed a hug. I got upset with my brother because he never responded. Turns out I sent it to him and he never responded. My brother said see he doesn't care and not to chase someone who doesnt want to get caught. Everyone tells me he treated me like crap that day he wouldn't open the door over and over that he disrespected me and I didn't deserve it.
I pursued him twice me who has never chased a man in her life. the pursue escape scenario... gotta love ADHD. lol I so wanted answers from him.
The things I know now.. knowledge is power I realized and learned so many things I let go of all the anger and blame and can genuinely try differently now. What was missing? I know it was trust and rebuilding trust. It's sad I know what I know now but it's probably too late and it doesn't seem likely he will stop avoiding me. I can't keep chasing and what if it just pushes him when he doesn't want to be pushed?
The only thing that gets me that has been been different from our pattern in the past is facebook. lol He would immediately change his facebook status to single. But he has left it to still in a relationship.But hasn't reached out to me. Yet I'm trying to find excuses to contact him. Have I no pride? I always asked him to show me and it seems obvious he is showing me he is done and doesn't care. I think maybe they are right I just need to let it go because if he loved me as much as I did him he would be reaching out because this would be hurting too much to be apart. Wouldn't he? Maybe to heck with facebook that I got my closure because it's been 2 weks and he never responded to the letter at all. Guys with ADHD your feedback would be appreciated too.