This is the letter that I just wrote to our ADHD Coach. She is also our marriage counselor. He's ADHD and I'm the Non. This weekend I have just met my match. I'm done thinking that it's possible for him to give me even remotely what I need. I've done everything in my power to keep this marriage a float. I won't do it anymore. It's too hard, it's taking too much of a toll. It's simply not healthy for me but ....OMG...how can I do this to my 6 year old. How can I possibly do this to her. I keep our home so low conflict that she simply won't see this coming. She won't understand and she'll be utterly devistated. How do I save myself and have her get all churned up in the undertow of my decision. Oh God I wish I was stronger, able to take more. He'd stay like this for the rest of his life. Sees no issue at all expect for the fact that Ihave an issue. So......here it is.
Hi there: I just wanted to check in prior to your appointment with him. I’m in a bad place. Almost asked for the divorce yesterday. I’m done. I just want to say this about the whole external validation thing. I go to two meetings a week, a private counseling session and have been in therapy since I was 18. I’m doing an extreme amount of work on myself as of late. I’ll be honest, I think I’m one of the best people I know. I spread love, light and positive energy everywhere I go. My goal in life is to be a positive reflection of the divine source that created me. With the exception of my weight (and that really is the only exception), I’m incredibly in love with myself. The issue is this….I cannot imagine any woman living in the situation I’m in and not question herself at the core. It is right, appropriate and very normal for me to have expectations of my partner in life when it comes to validation. He’s my partner…he is supposed to, at least on some very small level, support me and validate who I am. You know the “Great dinner”, “You’re a great mom”, “You look pretty honey”, “The house looks nice”. I get so little of that. I surround myself with people who love me and validate me in other ways to sort of lessen the blow but, Linda, I think it’s very normal of me to at least expect SOMETHING from him. There is no sex, there is no emotion, there is no validation……..there is just a dynamic of a mountain of give and an ocean of take. I’m too evolved of a person to think that this is anything other than unhealthy for me. Even the most sane, healthy, intact human beings would struggle in my situation. I know, in the past, at the beginning three years ago I was expecting way too much out of him/from him. Unreasonable expectations of outside validation...but I've done the work now and worked on myself and I've become my own best friend. No best friend would allow me to go through this. Well, none that'd I'd allow in my life.
He is absolutely not giving you the real deal as far as his behavior is concerned. He spends a minimum of 4 hours a day on playing video games or working on his RC trucks. He spent 11 - 15 hours respectively last weekend alone. We live our lives separated by the fact that he stays downstairs every night playing and I’m upstairs doing the work that needs to be done. We very rarely do anything social together unless it’s family related. We don’t really even have conversations unless it’s about Victoria or something he wants to talk about. I get it…I get it’s the ADHD and all that. I do….and I’m sorry that he has these issues. But the bottom line Linda is that he could work a hell of a lot harder and isn’t. He could be doing more and changing more…but isn’t. He is doing the bare minimum that is expected of him. The list of expectations and boundaries we agreed to? He's putting in the minimum effort necessary to just check off the list. Well, if you're spending time with me to just check me off a list, please don't do me any favors.
He went out with friends on Saturday night and came home at noon on Sunday. The last communication I got was at 2pm Sat when he asked if it would be an issue if he went. He, of course, forgot to bring meds with him so when he came home he was utterly useless. There was no “I’m sorry that I was late”. He gave me some lame excuse about the brake line in the car. Not sure if I believe him or not.
In any event……I’m done. Now my big issue is that I’m having a hard time making the next step because then it will be real and DD's world will be forever changed. You know this is something that I’ve been avoiding for almost 3 years now. The words were on the tip of my tongue yesterday but I prayed to God to let me hang in there...at least until I can explain it to her. Until she's 12 or 15... We’re just roommates Linda. We’re roommates that once had a relationship and now, we have very little that resembles a loving, caring, passionate marriage. NOTHING EVEN CLOSE! I can kid myself as long as I want to but this has to end. Everyday I allow my husband to refuse me sex and treat me as optional and with so little regard is another day when I’m saying to myself and world that I don’t matter…that my feelings don’t matter. I’m sure it’s not intentional….he just can’t give it. He’s not capable…or should I say,he’s not willing to do the extreme work necessary to make him capable. Linda, I love him and I can’t stay in a relationship with some I love this much and get so little. I'm at the breaking point.
I need strength folks.....please give me a crumb to hang on to!!