Where do I begin? From the beginning I suppose. My husband and I met about 4 years ago, I was recently divorced and had an 8 week old baby boy from my ex who high tailed it into the military and is still not in my sons life. So what did my husband do, he took my son in as his own :) I was IN LOVE with this man. So caring, selfless, and thoughtful.....People always told me how great he was with my son, and most people didn't even know he wasn't his biological son. He treated me like a PRINCESS, Bragged about me, told everyone how beautiful I was, what a great mom I was, was proud of me, an amazing sex life, we had fun together, we went on vacations, it was just like a fairy tale, he was my Prince and I was his Princess.
Fast forward 4 years....and I realize that if this was a fairy tale, I want to be Sleeping Beauty.
But also , like Belle I feel like this Beast captured me, and I am trying so hard to love him, because I know he hasn't always been a monster. He used to be a kind, gentle, caring, wonderful man.
To sum it up: He has abused me physically, and mentally. Apologized,and admitted it was wrong and he needed help, then blamed it on me for "making him do it." We do not have any sexual contact unless it is initiated by me, and I've learned to wait till the weekend to even ask, because during the week he is just too tired to possibly touch me, but if a basketball game is on, he can stay awake till all hours to watch it. He yells at me most of the time, instead of talking. I know to shut up when he starts biting his cheek and tapping his leg, because that means he's at his boiling point and I'm scared. I don't receive genuine emotion from him, its this robotic, practiced, emotionless banter that he repeats daily. He doesn't touch me sexually, or even lovingly. He doesn't hug me unless he has one of his "moments of clarity" and realizes he's hurt me. He promises things will be different, and they never change. The little things he did do to show me he cared about me, have now faded into the oblivion....
Basically If I don't ASK for what I want...sex, a hug, a kiss, a compliment, an "I'm proud of you", a backrub, a card or gift for any holiday or my birthday, a date night, for my hand to be held, an embrace when I'm sad.....If its not asked for, it doesn't happen, and being a very selfless person, I don't ask. Not to mention when you have to ask for something it is essentially meaningless anyway.
But having said all of this, I am a Christian woman, and I know my role as a wife. I can say without a doubt, I hold up my end of the deal, and he will fully admit to that when asked. I pray for my husband daily, I make sure he feels loved, valued, important, and attractive to me. Even when its the last thing I would want to do. I love this man, I truly do, but this ADHD monster is slowly sucking every bit of life, and love out of me. My personality used to shine out of me like a bright light. That is no more. I feel useless, unappreciated, unattractive, invisible, unimportant, uncherished, and just plain useless. I feel like a roommate.....like the reason why we even leave together is so I can go above and beyond to be the best wife, cook, nurse, mother, I can be while he sits there like an emotionless blob and reaps all the benefits. I want what he has, I'm jealous of him, I want a spouse that will show me love without limits, and even more when I don't deserve it.