Please, tell me there is HOPE, please tell me I'm not destined to selflessly serve this "monster" for the rest of my life.....

Where do I begin? From the beginning I suppose. My husband and I met about 4 years ago, I was recently divorced and had an 8 week old baby boy from my ex who high tailed it into the military and is still not in my sons life. So what did my husband do, he took my son in as his own :) I was IN LOVE with this man. So caring, selfless, and thoughtful.....People always told me how great he was with my son, and most people didn't even know he wasn't his biological son. He treated me like a PRINCESS, Bragged about me, told everyone how beautiful I was, what a great mom I was, was proud of me, an amazing sex life, we had fun together, we went on vacations, it was just like a fairy tale, he was my Prince and I was his Princess. 

Fast forward 4 years....and I realize that if this was a fairy tale, I want to be Sleeping Beauty. 

But also , like Belle I feel like this Beast captured me, and I am trying so hard to love him, because I know he hasn't always been a monster. He used to be a kind, gentle, caring, wonderful man.

To sum it up: He has abused me physically, and mentally. Apologized,and admitted it was wrong and he needed help, then blamed it on me for "making him do it." We do not have any sexual contact unless it is initiated by me, and I've learned to wait till the weekend to even ask, because during the week he is just too tired to possibly touch me, but if a basketball game is on, he can stay awake till all hours to watch it. He yells at me most of the time, instead of talking. I know to shut up when he starts biting his cheek and tapping his leg, because that means he's at his boiling point and I'm scared. I don't receive genuine emotion from him, its this robotic, practiced, emotionless banter that he repeats daily. He doesn't touch me sexually, or even lovingly. He doesn't hug me unless he has one of his "moments of clarity" and realizes he's hurt me. He promises things will be different, and they never change. The little things he did do to show me he cared about me, have now faded into the oblivion....

Basically If I don't ASK for what I, a hug, a kiss, a compliment, an "I'm proud of you", a backrub, a card or gift for any holiday or my birthday, a date night, for my hand to be held, an embrace when I'm sad.....If its not asked for, it doesn't happen, and being a very selfless person, I don't ask. Not to mention when you have to ask for something it is essentially meaningless anyway.

But having said all of this, I am a Christian woman, and I know my role as a wife. I can say without a doubt, I hold up my end of the deal, and he will fully admit to that when asked. I pray for my husband daily, I make sure he feels loved, valued, important, and attractive to me. Even when its the last thing I would want to do. I love this man, I truly do, but this ADHD monster is slowly sucking every bit of life, and love out of me. My personality used to shine out of me like a bright light. That is no more. I feel useless, unappreciated, unattractive, invisible, unimportant, uncherished, and just plain useless. I feel like a the reason why we even leave together is so I can go above and beyond to be the best wife, cook, nurse, mother, I can be while he sits there like an emotionless blob and reaps all the benefits. I want what he has, I'm jealous of him, I want a spouse that will show me love without limits, and even more when I don't deserve it.

Abuse is not ok

I am not Christian anymore, but I used to be, very very much, and I feel justified in telling you that it is not your role to serve a man who abuses you. Jesus is not a fan of divorce, I know, but don't you think he's even less a fan of enabling abuse? The greatest commandments are to love God and others, and this situation is going to make you hate your husband. You still love God and so you will still serve your husband, but the greatest commandment is not "love God and be your husband's maid." I think you would be doing a far better job of loving your husband if you held him accountable for his behavior, both the abusive and the merely unloving. With abuse involved, and with the severity of the situation, I would start by seeing a professional.

Wow, are we married to

Wow, are we married to the same guy?  Treated you like a princess?  Bragged on you?  Told everyone how wonderful you were?  And now NOTHING?  Wow!  I relate to your story.  I, too, am a Christian woman.  I am trying to save my marriage and deal with a husband who really says and does terrible things (cheated on me during pregnancy!).  He threatens me with divorce three or four times a month. Yells at me in front of his family.  Is arrogant to the point that THEY have said stuff to him.  I, too, feel unattractive, unappreciated and unwanted.  I feel like he doesn't really love me because from a non-ADHD mind, I cannot understand how or why you would tell someone you love, and claim to be soulmate, that you want a divorce and when you get really mad tell them that you never should have married them.  All words I have heard.  Heard them while I was carrying his child.  Then, he regains his senses and does a 180 for a short while (until I do something to "piss" him off again.  Funny thing is, I got the book the Love Dare.  Thinking that I was the one who had a problem.  I started reading it and was like, "Uh, this isn't for me.  It's something he should be doing to win MY heart back."  I don't say mean things.  I buy him small gifts just because, etc.  All the things in the book are things that I already do.  The problem is him.  I know that.  I don't think he does.  I don't know, maybe he does.  Maybe he won't admit it because it would damage his perceived ego. 

But, yes, the ADHD monster is sucking the life and love out of me as well.  I used to be funny.  I used to make people laugh and I joked all the time.  I had fun and went places.  I have no energy to do it.  I have a really blank expression.  I am unhappy.  I also want what my husband has: a spouse that is self-less, loves enough to excuse flaws and values them enough to control my words and temper out of love.  I'd rather hurt myself than him.  I wish I had that.  It makes me sad that I don't.  I pray daily that God will come into his heart (he claimed to be Christian when we met, fakes it REALLY well when around certain audiences, but confesses that he is now an agnositic).  I know that his lack of beliefs probably also plays a part in his attitude.  As a Christian, I do not have the desire to behave the way he does.  Keep your chin up.  You are not alone.

I bought Love Dare too

I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I have tried for a long time to "be the change" in our relationship but what is that saying---the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Yeah, that.  Doing the Love Dare for me was insanity.


I second the "abuse is not

I second the "abuse is not OK" mandate. I'm a Christian too but had my husband (who's got ADHD) ever abused me, I would be out of there. God wouldn't have you be someone's doormat. He certainly doesn't condone abuse.

On the other things, you have to ask an ADHD person for things. They just don't think about it. One of things that has bothered me about my marriage is the fact that my husband doesn't seem as "wonderful" as my friends' husbands. He doesn't do the dishes, he usually doesn't give me presents, I have to ask for sex as well... They just don't think because they got too much in their head. My birthday is tomorrow; now granted, my hubby actually put some thought into getting a present, but his plan to get it (it involved travel) fell through. People who are selfless and/or I want to show people they love them, would probably go to great lengths to accomplish the plan. Not so with ADHD people. If they can't get it done one way, it usually falls by the wayside. I told my hubby that he could get me flowers and a card. I may or may not see either. We went out together on a date celebrate and I'm OK with that. I try not to compare my marriage to others (it's SO HARD).

I get really irritated with him sometimes when he's thoughtless. Yesterday, he was complaining about a facial hair trimmer that I bought for him. We don't have a lot of money so I got him the cheapest one I could find. He was complaining that it was cheap and I reminded him that I had used my own money to get it for him because he had been complaining about his goatee getting too bushy. He replied that he wasn't paying for that cheap piece of crap. Oh, I was ticked. I didn't even have to say anything, he could by my face, and so he apologized, but seriously? There are so many things that we do for them and they just don't get it.

It's hard when you compare what you have now to what you had before. I was stuck in that cycle for a long while; re-living all the great moments of our dating life and then comparing them to where we were or how far we had come away from those good times. It's hard. You may get it back, you may not. Fortunately for me, my husband and I are gradually getting back to those good days. We still have our ups and downs though.

I don't know what advice to give you. I just know that I would not stay with a man who abused me. The whole time that me and my husband were informally separated, I had people urging me to divorce him. As a Christian, I don't believe in it. But there are some cases when I do. I would answer that he had never raised a hand to me, he wasn't running around on me, so what grounds did I have? He's ADHD and immature? I just didn't think that would fly with God. 

I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide to do.

lissferguson's picture

@are we married to the same man

Holy cow batman.....this is getting freaky....the love dare rests on my nightstand after countless efforts....I own the movie Fireproof as well....your husband sounds just like mine...feel free to email me <admin edited out email address - please see posting rules. If you want to contact each other, please use the "contact user" system - click on the user's name, then click 'contact' . This only works if the person who you are trying to contact explicitly sets the 'allow contact me' in their user profile. At that point, you are free to exchange emails> actually please do....I'd love to have a chat buddy in someone whose situation is so similar to mine....who knows we could be married to the same man....if you're at the point I am, nothing would surprise you