Not once in 20 years has my ADD dh asked, "How are you feeling? or What are you feeling?" I would really appreciate some feedback on how I can or should not approach the spouse with ADD regarding feedback.
My communication difficulties with my husband has been the same for the last twenty years. I will recommend things that are important for the two of us or our two boys but it will fall into the ether -- but if someone else says the same thing, it's pure gold and the TRUTH and has to be acted on right away.
I feel that none of my thoughts and feelings EVER enter my ADD dh's consciousness. It's only what he thinks, what others think. We can spend 4 hours on a date and all he talks about is the texture of the meal, or he's on his iPad/iPhone, or go on about how he's enjoying himself. But he never seems to recognize I'm there with him? When I try to steer the conversation to more intimate matters (family, goals, the future), he changes the subject to what he loves: movie and music trivia. By the time the date is over, I can't wait to get home and out of the car.
For example, I've discussed him being more involved with his family (going on outings) for years now and he says "the mornings are MY time". His co-worker told him the other day "You only have this moment once." So he goes to our son's sports event the very next morning.
I (copingSAH): "Oh! that's what I've been saying for a long time! We should go."
DH: You don't need to say that.
copingSAH: But I'm agreeing with your co-worker.
DH: There you go ruining what I was saying.
copingSAH: What?? I'm just giving you feedback. I have a smile on my face --
DH: For once can't you just shut up and not say anything!!@
copingSAH: Why are you so mad!?
DH: You're always turning me into the bad guy.
copingSAH: But I'm not.... this is not going anywhere, why are you arguing with me?! Can't you just accept my comment and let it go or say, "yeah, that's right."
DH: You can't let it go, you have to discuss everything in detail, it makes me sick.
and things degenerate from there. My helplessness is so strong that I feel violent and throw something on the carpet because i cannot get through. And I'm trying to figure out what he HEARS vs. what I SAID
SO FRUSTRATING -- he leaves for the event without me. And I feel sheepish about throwing things but my frustration is bursting. from. the seams.
I'm only voicing how I feel and I didn't think I came off accusing, just probably years of feeling my feelings and suggestions are largely ignored. And he won't admit to it.
It takes years for him to accompany me on a visit to a restaurant I wanted to try (took 15 years of discussion before he came around to going with me), and then he makes me feel bad when conversations like this come up -- he rubs it in my face that he did what I wanted, and that he's paying for everything. But it's hollow feeling when I'm sitting at the restaurant with him for 4 hours and all he's doing is talking about work, about his coworkers, his interests, and posting messages on the iPad. I'm feeling shaky enough to believe he spoke about the restaurant to his colleague and they say to go for it, and all of a sudden, we're going after 15 years.
Am I really expecting too much?? Please, I'd appreciate some tips and/or criticisms. I've been told it's a "guy thing"... I want to know if it's ADD or an incompatibility issue. I've all but ended up giving "okay/yes/no" responses on the phone because anything I comment on raises his hackles because he accuses me of being controlling.