I've been going through papers from my basement and discovered a document showing that my ex-H was notified in 2008 that he would be "removed" from his job (i.e., fired) because he had just had the third of what ended up being four vehicle incidents overall during his time with this employer. He didn't tell me about the incidents and he wasn't fired in 2008; that didn't happen until approximately nine months later, when he had the fourth incident. My ex prides himself on his driving, but he has had at least seven accidents that I'm aware of, and a few speeding tickets as well. At this point, this is not my problem, but I feel guilty that I let him drive our children at all. I didn't know about most of the incidents at the time, but I wonder if I was turning a blind eye. I welcome any thoughts on this topic.
Poor driving
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 09/10/2016.
Rosered, bad driving
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My Adhd husband is a very bad driver and its awful for any of us to ride with him. He jerks the car backand forth, mainly because he drives one handed with his hand on the wheel sitting in his lap. You have no control over the car that way. Plus, his vision spectrum is about the size of a paper towel tube,and he misses everything. He misses streets, drives over the yellow line a LOT, weaves back and forth which makes me nauseous, and has to stop quick a lot too.
He gets numerous tickets, but then yells at me NOT to get ant tickets. (GUILT.) I have had 4 accidents, but none of which I caused. People ran into me. In fact, last week, an old man ran a stop sign and hit me and my daughter (totalling my car) and then he took off. A hit and run, and the police are looking for rhe guy. I live in pain every day, and now get hit again, and I hurt worse.
Anyway, its nerve racking with my husband driving, because the car is always jerking. He runs into stationary objects mostly, which cause many scrapes and dings in the cars fenders and bumpers, which never get fixed. Another thing he will dismiss about HIS behavior, that he wont accept from anyone else.
At times I know my husband HAS TO KNOW hes being harder on me than he EVER is with himself. He HAS TO KNOW THIS. He is a smart guy, so he is excusing his behavior because he doesnt know how to change it, or doesnt WANT to know.
Our insurance has gone up mostly from his speeding tickets, and I get a lecture about it. Not any more.I am done with this chaotic and irrational behavior.
Wow...this would be my
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Wow...this would be my response....
Every time he lectures you and tickets or rising insurance, I would say in a pleasant voice, "You're right, I need to stop getting so many tickets, like the times I got tickets for (describe the incidents that he got tickets, like "speeding on Main St" and "illegal turn on 2nd St"). Oh wait, that was you. Those were your tickets. I got confused because you're lecturing me about tickets. I guess YOU'RE confused. But, I'll be nice and not lecture you about all of your tickets" (smile the whole time) And then I'd turn around and leave the room/house.
I would preempt any lectures about rising insurance costs by calling my agent and ask him/her to send me an email detailing which incidents are causing the insurance increases and detail how long each incident will cause the rate to rise (probably 2-3 years per incident.).
Ask the agent if your accidents, which were not your fault, cause your rates to rise. If so, how much. I was in a hit and run 18 months ago, and I was assured that my rates would not go up but I would have to pay my deductible. In the end, the person who hit my car was found and they were ordered by the court to reimburse me for my deductible, which they did. My insurance company is going after the person for the rest of the costs.
If he continues to lecture you for things that you're not doing, then calmly tell him to: talk to the mirror, and walk out.
These tactics
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
O.W.W.,
I think these tactics, like sarcasm, saying things like "...look in the mirror..."..will only make a spouse's defensive mechanism jump into full gear.
Liz
Totally fine!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Totally fine!
I don't believe in protecting their defense mechanisms. In fact, I think that their defense mechanisms have been protected so long that they aren't self-aware.
I look at my in-laws. They didn't believe in "calling out my H". Instead they coddled him and let him enjoy and believe his ridiculous images of himself. Instead of holding him accountable for bad behavior, breaking things, etc, they said stupid things like, "It's ok, I was going to get a new one anyway."
People play their "defensive mechanisms" as a way to discourage others from confronting them. THEY NEED confrontation.
I have an assistant who is truly in denial about many things. Confrontation has helped a LOT with helping her overcome some of her ridiculous beliefs. Her car was recently repossessed because she wasn't paying the loan. When she got that car (traded in a reliable car that she had no loan), I told her that she couldn't afford it (I'm her only employer), but she insisted that if she was "careful with her money," she could. I sat her down and went thru her monthly obligations (she shares a lot so I know her bills and I provide her cell phone). Once I added up her rent, utilities, cable, food, pet food/care, car payment, car insurance, gasoline...she was already over her take-home income and that didn't include the various other things she spends/blows money on....like cigarettes, beer, outings with friends, etc. And, she has an adult child in jail for repeated DUIs, and sends him money for snacks and phone calls. But....She insisted that she could pay the loan.
So, when her car was repossessed, she tried to dismiss the whole thing by claiming that she didn't pay because "the car wasn't worth it." I wasn't going to let her get away with that total BS. I said, "ok, so where's the money? If you didn't pay because you now think the car isnt' worth it, then you have the money sitting somewhere." Uh......no....she didn't. (If this had been my H, his parents would have totally let him get away with such nonsense....which just perpetuates denial).
We choose how we want to behave
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
O.W.W.,
I know that defensive mechanisms are built into our beings as a protection. We are alerted when something is wrong - so we can choose fight or flight or maybe something in-between,
I believe in a kindness approach - I can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar approach. From what I have learned and experienced, I am not in control of my spouse. I have wasted precious time, and it turned out to be many feeble attempts to get him to see the light. I believe in being aware of patterns of behavior and then trying to find new ways to work 'with' them.
Yes, I had been disappointed when my spouse was late. We would argue about it, I would get in a grumpy mood, and then we would go together to what ever event we were now late for - both in a grump mood. Then I learned 'to expect' him to be late. Then I learned to have a Plan B incase he was late. Then I learned to just plan to go on my own. Sure I was frustrated, sure I was ticked off. Just my body language set the defensive mechanism in motion. I tried the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach. That was a bunch of hooey. I faked it all right, until I blew sky high. Stuffing feelings is not good. Badgering someone to try to force them to see something they don't/can't/won't see is just a trip into futility. Both approaches put me in a mood that was not content, calm, happy, and feeling secure.
That is my philosophy on life - not just in dealing with ADHD.
I do not want to be in charge of someone else's life. Not my job. There was a time when I thought I had all the answers to solve all the world's problems. Took me a long time to lay that down, and only worry about my life and my choices and my happiness. Any extra time I had, I could use it to help where I was asked/invited. I give from my extra - I no longer feel less-than anyone, and I do not go crazy trying to get/make anyone to like me. My goal is to be the Liz I can be. I heard that somewhere along the line from Melissa. I like that goal.
I have been working on/through this forum for six years trying to find the secret to get my spouse to understand how I am affected when his defensiveness mechanism kicks in and my hurt gets stamped out like a bug. We just can't get near that issue, Somehow, his sense tells him if he didn't do something intentionally, then it does not hurt me. Period. End of the conversation..
I did spend a lot of time figuratively jumping up and down insisting he change how he looks at things. It flat out did not work. I could approach it from the east, the south, the west, the north, the top, or the bottom. Same result.
He is a nice guy. He wants to be a nice guy. He is a human being. We all make mistakes. We all goof-up. We all disappoint the people we love. And most of the time, it is NOT done on purpose with the mindset of "Oh yeah, I'll show you!"
There is a disconnect. I haven't figured it out. I have figured out I do not want to live in a tempest. I don't want to be on alert so I don't say the wrong thing. I want to be heard. I do not want to be overruled - just because he chose to change what we agreed, because,- - - -(insert any multitude of reason here.) It feels really yucky to be treated that way.
I will know if I feel heard. I will know if my feelings are respected. I will know when we sit down to renegotiate the daily work load of day to day living. I will know where my own expectations are too high by slowing working into a pattern that feels - -well, nice!!!!
Your story about your assistant just begs the question, why did you hire someone with so many issues, and how do you let that lady remain as your assistant?
Very truly,
Liz
<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<
Your story about your assistant just begs the question, why did you hire someone with so many issues, and how do you let that lady remain as your assistant?
<<
Why did I hire someone with so many issues? When I hired her, she had another car and her son wasn't then in jail (although even if he was, that's not a reason not to hire someone.)
Two of the things she's in denial about are her two kids. When the jailed one was arrested for DUI #3, she was in denial about that until the proof was undeniable. The older son is an ADHD/??? mess. Doesn't work, sits on his butt drinking beer watching TV and ordering Pay per View on her TV. She'll say, "he promises to pay for it." Yet he NEVER does...yet she believes him every time. I will chime in with, "Bill promised to pay for X, Y, Z, and has he paid you for that?" Uh no. At that point, she'll do something (like put in a PIN to order PPV)
"So many issues"? Her issues don't affect the quality of her work. I don't see her as having "so many issues". Everyone has issues. On what grounds would I fire her? Which "issue" should be a fire-able offense?? She does a good job for me. Why would I fire her?
My point of mentioning her was to demonstrate that when people are "in denial" about important issues, it can help them "grow" if you work with them and point those things out. I'm not suggesting doing it in a mean or cruel way.
You Nailed It OW..."Who Needs It! Sour Grapes...Dismissed"
Submitted by kellyj on
"It's ok, I was going to get a new one anyway." (who needs it anyway....it's just sour grapes......dismissed )
""the car wasn't worth it." (who needs it anyway....it's just sour grapes....dismissed )
"People play their "defensive mechanisms" as a way to discourage others from confronting them. THEY NEED confrontation."
Yes but how? And I think there's more to it here actually? You're coming up with the reason why (to discourage others ) but I don't think they know why and that's part of the problem? What I've found when I do this....I get.......
"who needs this anyway....it's all just sour grapes to me....." ( dismissed )
Obviously, I have ADHD and I don't feel this way. Nor do I do this? But why? If I knew that....I would have the answer for my wife as well? But I do where it comes from originally speaking in terms of "Attachment Theory" once again.
Confrontation seems to only lead to conflict...so what do you do? I'm still working on this with some success bu it doesn't come without frustration and a fair bit of anger on my end though and this is the hardest part for me to deal with. That's my personal problem here.
The other day when my wife was upset about the dog peeing on the couch and started to aim that at me is when I said..."Did I pee on the couch???" And just left it there for a while. When I calmed down and brought this up...she got all defensive and started throwing it back in my face. And threw it right back and said....."Clearly the dog pee is upsetting to you? I don't like it either. It upsets me when the dogs pee on the furniture as much as it does you. I don't like Pee...where I sit any more than you do. But I...didn't Pee....on the couch! Why are you getting upset with me? Did I do something "wrong" here? I'll answer that....NO. I didn't Pee...on the God Damned couch!! (god damn it lol ) Quit making me responsible for things that I didn't do!!!"
But here's the deal. We've talked about this endlessly and I have researched and talked to Vets and experts in what this is and how to stop it. I even hired a private trainer as a way to take responsibility for not knowing exactly how who explained this to US....in detail. My wife heard every word this guy said to us when he came over and did an assessment. This is coming from an "expert dog trainer"...not me?
That right there....was a real life confrontation with this and "defense mechanism of sorts? " and it came with a fair amount of anger on my part because I was right. I did not Pee on the couch and I was not responsible for the fact as the expert explained to both of us.....that two little male dogs thrown together in a "Pack"....instinctively "mark" their territory. It's what little dogs (especially compared to big dogs ) do inside the house. I don't know why little dogs do this more...but the fact is....they do it. There's even a name for it....it's called "competitive marking" . That's when....marking get turned up a notch from just doing it....preemptively...as a means to show any other dogs around...just who owns that piece of property. As soon as there are 2...sharing the same space...they take turns doing the old....."rock...paper.....rock....paper........" back an forth, back and forth....tit for tat....tit for tat....... to cancel the Pee that was already there left by the first one who got there. It falls under another heading called "resource guarding" which is part of protecting their territory.
So when I "pushed back" like this...my wife goes "this has been going on for-ever....when is it going to stop? If you had potty trained them like you should have....this wouldn't be a problem?" Bam....she just dismissed me....and the real reason for this and tried to put the blame right back on me to justify here behavior. She's not taking responsibility for her emotions but why again?
But I didn't stop there....I went "Oh really? So...the fact the expert who we had come show us and tell us that this is not a "potty training problem" (which it isn't. both dogs are potty trained . This is "programmed instinctual behavior" that dogs do that has nothing to do with needing to go potty or having a full bladder. They do it....when their bladder is completely empty and lift their leg anyway...in an attempt...to mark even when they're bone dry and empty and my wife knows this. She's seen it repeatedly but yet she cannot understand it or at least...pretends not to understand it. Actually...she doesn't want to see it or think about this because it IS what she is doing and part of her knows it I think?
But I then said "what you're doing is just like the dogs. This "tit for tat" thing you do and looking to pass the buck and not looking at the problem without trying to blame someone is just you reacting instinctively...and not thinking this through just like the dogs. They know better than to Pee in the house....but their instincts are over riding what they know...because they're on auto pilot and this is what dogs do. You're acting just like the dogs and you just aren't seeing it?
Then I said....."And you know better...than to say that it's my fault because I didn't potty train the dogs. I was there too...remember...I heard everything you heard so what's the problem here? I know you're upset but...you need to do something with that instead of down loading it onto me and making your personal problem.....my personal problem." ( I didn't bring up the times in the past she's done this ....the countless times and kept it right in the here and "in the now".
And then she kind of emotionally blurted out...."Well....what am I suppose to do with this?....It makes me so upset that I'm besides myself sometimes and all I can think of is how am I suppose to live this way?"( in tears sometimes over this ....literally )
I said...."Live with it. That's what you do with it...and process it and problem solve so you can figure out a way to to do this? (the how part right? The first thing that goes through my mind is..... "How can I make this stop or what can I do differently? What is possible...and what is not possible...and what can I do...to change this? And once I figure out how.....then I need to actually do it and learn how to do it? In that order? This is my instinctual pre-programmed response and the first thing that comes to mind? "
And my wife did what she always does....she went "well I just cant live here. If I moved to my own place...then you can stay here with the dogs and we can just not live together. Clearly the dogs are more important than me. (who needs it anyway.....living here with you and YOUR dogs is just sour grapes!" ( dismissed ) MY dogs now....when she shifts to dismissing....her dogs become MY dogs. When it's something she wants or wants to have...it's MINE (mine...mine.....mine.....mine......nine ....mine....like the Sea Gulls in Finding Nemo lol )
side note: this "mine" and "yours' thing...conveniently "shifts" when the responsibility conveniently shifts along with it to me. errrrr! lol annoying and frustrating? YES it is! lol
Another solution would be to get rid of the dogs. (who needs them anyway....they're just sour grapes to me.....dismissed )
Or move out of the house and away from me too. (who needs him anyway....he's just sour grapes to me....dismissed )
Who needs 'em.....they're all just just sour grapes!! ( dismissed )
Remember the fable? About the Fox and the Grapes? The Fox couldn't figure out how to get to the grapes at the top of the Vine ...so he just said...."eh....who needs 'em. They worthless to me." But he didn't feel that way a few minutes before did he? He wanted those grapes and he wanted them badly? But when he can't have what he wants...."they're now worthless. AH! Who needs em! phooey! putewey! " I spit on you, and despise you!!!...Bah! Humbug!!!" (Scrooged!! lol "
And that's exactly what it feels like being on the other side of this? Like you just got spit on and told how worthless you are?
Going back to the original problem with Attachment. In the case of a "dismissive" attachment style. The mother leaves the child for a time and the child feels abandoned and is upset....but when the mother comes home....the child is "angry" for being abandoned by their mother instead of being "afraid" or "upset" or "indifferent"....... with the mother for leaving and remains upset and angry and does not get over it.
I really understand this better after witnessing my wife's mother and hearing the stories orf her mom chasing after her many failed relationships with men...and leaving her kids and not putting them as a priority in service of what her mother was after which was way more important. He kids were baggage "in tow" and these new men made it clear that they weren't happy with these "unruly kids" which threatened her moms ability to not be abandoned herself because of it.
But why....did this happen in the first place? Probably for the same reason for her mother? And her mother went...."who needs these kids anyway.....they''re just sour grapes (now)...that they a problem for me. (dismissed) I'm sure....when she first had my wife and her brother and was married to her first husband....she wanted those kids more than life itself. But now...that their in the way of what I want (and need)....they're worthless.....just sour grapes.
Dismissed.
What goes around comes around. It's the pattern in the thinking that takes a detour automatically....preprogrammed in so that when ever I can't get to what I want....I dismiss it....and don't think about ......."how can I get that?" and then problem solve for a solution.
That's the real source of the problem and where the "detour in thinking"....takes place.
So when my wife and I went into therapy yesterday...my wife announced first thing that she's taking a break from therapy for a while. She told me this so I knew this is what she was going to do...but that left me with having to deal with all of this myself now? I was pretty adamant...with walking away yesterday with something and not just leaving it right there. So I started right in with doing what I do and just saying what I saw in a rather objective unemotional way as the problem...and my T stopped me. errrrrrr! And he put it back onto me. The reason the errrr!...was he wasn't going to let me do it and I already knew why so I didn't push him.
I said...."let me try this again"...and I tried it again a different way? And he stopped me again! errrrrrrrrrr! And I almost tried it again..and then he gave me that look that says...."yes I know...just go with me here" and I stopped and said...."you know....I guess...I really just don't know how? Honestly....I try to say the same thing differently but I can't seem to do it right?"
The problem is as I realized this. You can't get there from here....that's the problem. I was still trying to get there from here...and no matter how hard I try and do that....I will never get there with my wife that way. Fighting against an ingrained....burned in pathway or pattern of thinking that takes a hard "right hand turn" every time she gets to that "detour in the road...she going to take it...instead of moving forward to problem solving every time. It's the same thing as yelling at my dogs for competitive marking on the furniture and thinking this will stop them?
For one...she has no problem solving ability...because she's been doing this all her life. She has no practice and experience with problem solving so expecting her to problem solve is expecting too much. Expecting her to be dismissive and "spit on" any solutions I come up with is what I can expect because this is what she does.
But I don't need to feel like I'm tied to a chair and let her spit on me because this is really hurtful and is completely disrespectful when she does that and I....am not tied to a chair and I don't have to take it. But if I engage her in her "sour grapes" attitude and "sour grapes" way of thinking and approaching anything...I will be doing the "tit" for "tat" thing right along with her?
And what my T said (with a wink of acknowledgment ) when he said...."Why don't you just say how you feel instead of doing what you were doing?"
In which I replayed in regards to the dogs because this came up in his office. "Well...if I'm going to take responsibility for the dogs since I'm the one who wants them...I need to find a way to do this and not feel like I'm being directed and dismissed?
He said...."Oh...responsibility eh? Okay I'm with you there. How about this... As I heard you and what you were doing....it sounded dangerously close to being just this side of blame. Almost...but not quite? What seemed to be missing in everything you were trying to say was compassion and humility and it was kind of impersonal sounding as I heard it and I think D will agree."
Now...that right there....really burns me but....I know better and I know why? I'm not wrong for saying what I was saying and there was nothing wrong in how I was saying it? What I was doing wrong....was neglecting to accept and forgot about what he had already told me in private together when we talked about this. This "dismissive" pattern...is just a pattern in thinking. It's a big problem for me but it is what it is. The burden of proof and responsibility I have to accept is....is my wife doesn't know why she does this ...or can't see herself and what she does and I can.....the burden of responsibility falls on me to do something about it...not her. If she can't problem solve and process her emotions....then asking her or confronting her to "stop" by explaining what she is doing...is not going to solve the problem she has....and in turn...the one I have that it creates for me?
What was missing....when her mother neglected her and dismissed her as a child to pursue what she wanted instead of caring after her needs? You know...."what she wanted because of how D affected her?"
You know.....the same as I was doing right there in our T's office and just explaining the details which he stopped me and said." I'm not really all that interested in the details...I've heard them all before countless times. No one who comes in here is telling me anything I haven't heard a thousand times. It's the pattern of failure I'm most i'm most interested in...and changing the pattern and doing something to correct the problem that way?"
Which I knew...that he knew....that I knew.....exactly what he was saying? And what he was saying is.....I have to find a way to teach my wife to do this for herself....the same way he taught me since this is not what my wife learned and she's not going to learn it from having someone do the same thing with her. Something needs to change...and the burden of proof and responsibility lies with the one who knows the difference....not the one who doesn't know?
Learning from experience...and having someone do this for you enough times so you can learn and expereince from it...is the only way to do this. As much as I don' like it and it upsets me each time my wife does this.....I have to take her hand...and walk her through this each time...until she finally figures out that...."dissmissing" the problem as sour grapes...does nothing to solve anything. And when you don't "solve" there is no resolution?
Just because something is hard....is not a good reason not to do it but unlearning this programming...and relearning something new is a process of experience and someone helping you to learn in the same way my T...did it with me?
As my wife clearly said to him yesterday...."I think you've said everything I need to hear and I don't see any point in continuing if it's not working?"
What isn't working for my wife....is not that it doesn't work. It worked for me for my T to explain this to me...but I don't "dismiss" as my "detour" in the road. My detour in the road...is problem solving for answers and moving on to the next intersection in the road.
My problem is not liking the answers sometimes and getting way laid by the having to put up with what I don't like to put up with but I can do it and I know the reasons why?
And the reason why my wife ....can't do it.....is because she doesn't like the answers she is hearing..which is telling her she has to put up with what she doesn't want to put up with....but can't problem solve her way of a paper bag sometimes?
And why is that? You got your answer the same as I did.....and then what to do about it.....the same as I did? As my T.,..winked winked me.....and let me know exactly why? Whether I do it or not...is another thing entirely but that's up to me and no one else to fix my personal problem that I have with my wife's personal problem. LOL
But as a parting gift from our T and his one and only....last assignment in light of this situation? (you'll love this ) as I frustrated said..."Okay...I need a bone here!! lol Throw me a bone!!! I clearly see that D is unhappy...but as she says things to me in her the way she does....she says it's "the environment" that makes her unhappy and that covers a lot of ground. That's a big list of things and a HUGE undertaking it the entire "envirnment" is what I have to do? That 's not possible and....D unhappiness is not my responsibility". Which he shut me up again and gave me the look. (errrrrrrr!!! lol )
He said."Okay okay...(the look wink wink) lol "How about this as your assignment (me again not my wife ). Pick one or two things to work on and not worry about anything else." Which my wife started panicking and immediately going back to the dog Pee which is what she was fixated on. And he assured her and so did I...that I was not going to forget about everything else on my list....just focusing only on one or two things for the next two weeks as a priority exceptt making the dogs stop Peeing on the furniture could not be on the list for now. Which I immediately jumped on board with and said..."YES!!! And D gets to pick!!!!! LOL (thank you God!!!! LOL )
And she said." I don't know ...as she sat there thinking about it"
And he said "Okay just one thing. Name one thing he can do for the next 2 weeks without failing"
And she said.."Brushing his teeth and taking a shower even when he comes in and is tired and ready to pass out and go to sleep"
Done deal.....I already did this first thing in the morning. One "Ball" for me...;if I'm let off the hook for failing in any other of the balls I've got left....is a piece of cake. ONE BALL....is not the same as 10 at the same time like my wife wants?
And the rest is now up to me....in a nut shell? (I'm the nut here...but at least I know I am LOL )
J
Aren't your children grown
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Aren't your children grown adults now? Or are you upset at the thought of when he used to drive them when they were kids?
I don't think you were in denial. HE WAS in denial....and did so by hiding this stuff from you. The fact that he 'prides himself" in an area where he's had accidents is telling.
My H prides himself as well, but mostly because he "forgets" about his incidents....until I remind him. He TRULY forgot that he got 2 speeding tickets within about a 3 month period a few years ago. And he forgot within the first year! He likes to forget inconvenient facts.
He actually argued with me about the existence of these tickets until I showed him emails that he sent to me regarding each one. It was scary that he had no memory of them.
Also...there is arrogance involved. He recently broke a pipe off of our RV. He was trying to turn too tightly, I WARNED HIM, he told me to shut up and that he was fine...and then HORRID SOUND when he hit a mailbox and broke off an exhaust pipe.
Don't feel guilty about the past. You can't change it and your kids weren't hurt. Thank God, instead. Your children were protected.
At least now you know and now you can prevent any future grandchildren from being driven by him by giving your kids a "heads up" that you've learned about these other incidents.
Tell your kids NOW...not later. Get them convinced NOW that dad isn't a safe driver. Later it might be harder to convince them.
If it was me...
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
...I would tell him that despite what he thinks or says, his records show I can not trust him to drive my children around safely and he is no longer allowed to. This may make things harder for me but the safety of my children come first.
My husband and I bicker a lot about his driving. He doesn't have a record of tickets or accidents, so that gives him a false sense of being "in control". I "broke off" our engagement temporarily because out of anger, he slammed on the breaks in the middle of an intersection after I yelled at him for speeding up to keep someone from cutting him off, almost colliding with the car and forcing us off the road. When I threw the ring into his cup holder, I think he finally got the point. He acknowledges now that ADHD has an effect on driving, makes him more impulsive and aggressive, and has done some reading/research on it.
Things have gotten better, less bickering about his driving in terms of frequency. Once he calms down, he acknowledges and apologizes. It's just in the spur of the moment, he's quicker to react than think things through. I've also learned to read situations that I know are a trigger for him and try to keep him calm before anything happens (heavy traffic, those driving below speed limit, other aggressive drivers, etc). Or if I know we'll be driving through traffic, I will drive.
None of these things really help you, since you and the father are separated. There's nothing you can really do to alter his driving habits. But you can put the safety of your children first.
I am right there with you
Submitted by dvance on
I am right there with you with the bad driving by DH. I hate to drive with him. I take my own car whenever possible. Sometimes the amount of rearranging I have to do to make it LOOK like it's more convenient for me to take my own car is ridiculous, but if it means I get to drive alone I will do it!!! I think it's an ADHD thing--too much input at once, the impulsiveness, the inability to make a sound judgement. I think it's all of that.