Poor Me

I am really struggling tonight... I know it's the usual "poor me" crap that I am prone to, but I haven't yet found a way around or through it.  I've been working way too much due to staff shortages at work and a bunch of deadlines to meet.  He's been scheduling his personal activities on the nights I am free, rather than the nights I'm gone.  When I asked about the lousy timing, he shrugged and said he doesn't really think about my schedule when he's making his.  (He can say this with a totally straight face -- I so admire that...)   I realized we were doing some serious drifting apart and felt responsible because of my work demands.  I planned an overnight getaway, a favorite dinner out, found a way to fund it without damaging the budget..... it was a dud.  He was silent, said he was tired, said it was bad timing-- we barely struggled through 24 hours away.  No fighting, of course, cause we never do.  It was just --- awful and awkward.  Since we got home he has been X-Boxing nonstop.  But what I am struggling with is feeling like a dope for having "expectations" of a nice time.  I didn't think it would dramatically change our relationship.  I didn't think he would become an "all-singing, all-dancing" husband.  I just thought it would be a little bit FUN!  He seemed interested in going, and accepted the invitation.  But when I got all gorgeous, I got no "reaction" (he's always saying I do things to get a reaction).  When I did all the packing, filled the fuel tank, made the reservations.... urg -- Was I trying to do something fun for the both of us?  A treat for him?  Or just a pathetic attempt to win some love and attention?  Poor me.  What a dope.   And then I circle around to my ever-present question---- if I am so damned dull, what on earth does he get out of being married to me?  And don't mention the free laundry and housekeeping services... 

Tomorrow is another day.  

too much focus

I think -- now that I've tried to sleep and can't -- that I have in fact been putting too much focus on improving the relationship, even while I've been working all the hours God gave me and being rarely home.  Trying to stay in touch with him throughout the day by phone, text or email... Trying to spend any available minutes together... even if it's only five. Apologizing for being gone.   He on the other hand kept saying he wasn't bothered by all the extra work or me being gone.  I thought he was being kind, but now I'm thinking he's been relieved and perhaps enjoying it... no pressure.  I'm thinking pulling back is the only thing that is going to stop this heartache.  

I can relate to your messages

I can relate to your messages and the feelings you've expressed so much.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in a circus funhouse.  I no longer trust my senses.  My husband says one thing but to me, a relatively sensitive and intelligent observer, his behavior and mannerisms and expressions express something totally different.  I know the sending of mixed messages isn't intentional, but I've reached the point where I don't feel that I should have to suffer anymore because of the unclear communication. 

In my case, I feel as though my husband's preferred state of being is to not move or change, whereas I think about the future and am ready to change if change will bring improvement.  It's sad, but I just don't think we can coexist in our relationship.  We have a lot of things in common and we're fond of each other, but someone moving and someone standing still have an irreconcilable difference. 

Rosered, Interesting way of


Interesting way of putting things in perspective.  Sort of a "tug-of-war".  I'm dealing with the same issue with my husband being stuck not wanting to move or change and myself thinking about the future and desperately needing a change.  

I'm trying very hard, for my

I'm trying very hard, for my husband's sake and for my own, to not see our differences as bad or good.  Once the value judgments have been removed, it's easier to see how the differences affect the functioning of the relationship.  In our case, I think we'll probably be able to stay married but we're unlikely to do many things as a couple, other than keep our house (which is a financial necessity at this point).  I've separated my finances from his for the most part, and now that I have some financial security that is not dependent on my husband and that he cannot muck up, I feel a lot safer in our relationship and less subject to the ADD-induced problems.  I've stopped doing some tasks that were only for my husband.  I don't do his laundry anymore, I don't make his lunch, I don't say anything if he's late for an appointment.  We have separate sleeping rooms (he has the bedroom and I use the dining room).  I don't expect any emotional support.

I've become more comfortable now with not laying down ultimatems (my husband tended to not respond and I was afraid to follow through).  Instead, when I see the need to do something, I do it.  I do it for me, not to influence my husband.

Good luck.  This is so hard.

Sorry Gardener...

This must have been a real disappointment. You did all the work to plan the getaway, he would not have to worry about failing with a poor plan by himself, and all he had to do was go and enjoy. Sounds like the ADDer's dream to me. This is a great effort on your part and it's great that you did this to try and get out of a rut and do something fun! Give yourself a much deserved "Pat on Back" and remember you cannot control his fun or not fun. This is his problem. What does he do to create a little fun? I understand about Super Busy work lives, both my DW and I have extremely demanding jobs and it's like pulling teeth to get my DW to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. My DW actually seems to feel pressure/stress over doing something for us. Too much to do, shouldn't spend the money, tired and so on... The longer it goes the more awkward it gets when we do go out. I'm not real good with generating casual conversation and when it's been so infrequent it gets really rough. I think it's a dangerous situation when we develop into "Relaxed by Separate" lives. It is easy to do, by yourself, there is nobody to disappoint or say the wrong this too or not notice the new highlights in her hair and so on. It is difficult to be the one trying to generate couple time, because you are the one setting yourself up for potential let down.

Maybe he felt unsure of how to act or what to say, I know how anxious I feel when my DW and I go out. We have had so many "Go out Failures" in the last couple of years. Way more bad than good. So my expectations are never too high, so how sad is that? On the other hand, we went out last night on what was, in my book going to be a guaranteed Fail, we had a nice time. We were meeting my best friend and his girlfriend, my DW has only met briefly and I knew her from high school, it has taken months to get this dinner meet scheduled and self generated opinions were rampant. You can only imagine the failure opportunities here and I had all but officially logged the event into the Fail Book. Nice surprise... My DW pretty much confirmed her opinion of my friend's GF, but I knew that would not change, so us having a good time after we left them for a movie was brilliant. I knew if we just went home, it would go the other way because we would just talk about them and how she was right about her... I would not agree enough with her on the topic and the downward spiral would begin. Changing the venue to just the 2 of us and silly movie sure helped.

Keep trying Gardener! Your plan was brilliantly conceived!