Submitted by apollo on 06/18/2008.
My husband has ADD, diagnosed since childhood, and we have been married almost 7 years. I am perpetually frustrated with his memory and am trying to understand if and how and to what extent ADD effects memory. I am at such a loss for words when it comes to explaining the problems we have with his memory that all I can do is provide some examples. We have been living with my parents for almost 2 years now. We both were working, but 6 months after the birth of our first child we decided it was best to quit our jobs, sell our home and accept my father's invitation to live with him until my husband found a new job. We did this so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. When we conceived, we were able to afford me staying home. Half way through the pregnancy, our financial situation changed such that we had to file for a bankruptcy. I continued working and we had found good daycare. I was never happy with the role of a working mother and when our daycare gave us notice, we were unable to find a comparable replacement. I remember having several heart-to-heart conversations with my husband before, during and after the pregnancy sharing with him my dream of being a stay-at-home mom. When we discussed selling our home and moving in with my parents, I remember explicitly sharing with him that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for however long, possibly until our kids entered high school, provided our finances could support that plan. I shared that I may return to work at some point sooner if our finances deemed it necessary and/or if I found I needed an outlet of my own. He was supportive of that not once expressing any concerns or disagreement with the idea. After we placed our home up for sale, there were days when I felt discouraged and he would remind me that we were doing this so that I could be a stay-at-home mom and how much better this would be for our children and that we were selling our house at the right time, etc. About one year after our move to my father's, my husband shared with me that he expected me to return to work full-time when our firstborn enters 1st grade. When I brought up our past discussions, he told me that he would not have agreed to this move if he knew I had not been planning to return to work. I am flabbergastedly so confused as to how this miscommunication occurred. I have self-examined myself to exhaustion and replayed conversations over and over in my head and I know with all my heart I was very clear about what I envisioned and when I would return to work. A more recent example, I have been looking for a rental home for us to move into for about 5 weeks now. I have expended a great deal of energy into this task researching movers, realtors, property management firms and exhausting online and paper resources. My husband and I had a conversation and several that once we knew his contract position would be renewed for another year that we would begin looking for a home to rent. (We have been saving money ever since he found a job - which took him 8 months). We learned earlier than expected that his contract was being renewed. I asked him, "Since we know prematurely that your job is being renewed, should we start looking for a house now or should we wait until the actual renewal date of your contract passes?" He replied with "No, we can move tomorrow if we wanted to. Go ahead and start looking." This past weekend as I was sharing with my husband my frustration with an agent regarding a particular property I was following up on, he said in passing, "I thought we were waiting until I had a permanent job before we looked for a rental home." Imagine my bewilderment! Please tell me, is it normal for people with ADD to forget things like this? Can their memories be distorted or mixed with intentions of saying/doing things that in reality never occurred? Is there a memory disorder that can occur comorbidly with ADD that would explain things like this? I am so exasperated and concerned at the same time. My husband has shared with me the other night that he is also alarmed by his lack of memory - he feels it is getting worse especially so over these passed 2-3 months. He has been medicated his entire life and in his adult years has found great success with Concerta and methylphenidate. He doesn't take them together. Which pill he takes is determined by what his immediate needs are or based on the type of situation he is preparing for. If he needs a fast-acting boost that won't keep him up at night (if he forgot to take his concerta in the morning) then he'll take the methylphenidate. Otherwise, I believe the Concerta is his primary medication. Anyhow, any insight would be greatly appreciated.