Hello, I'm new to this community and I'd like to get some advice on my marriage. I'm a person without ADHD and my wife has ADHD. I recently finished reading "The ADHD effect on marriage" as I was beginning to feel ignored and unloved. I've become bossy and controlling in our relationship and I hate myself. Much of the book talks about empathizing with your partner and appreciating the strengths that come with their ADHD rather than focusing on the negatives. It frequently uses examples of being passionate or hyper focused, creative, turning anything into a game, being playful with kids, being spontaneous and fun...etc.
What if my partner is none of these things? She is very awkward with children. She doesn't turn anything into a spontaneous, fun game. She's really not creative at all. In fact, she does best with directions laid out in front of her. If you ask her to wing a task and think on her feet or if you ask her to create a recipe/piece of art...etc, she freezes. In fact, decision paralysis is a huge trait of hers.
It just seems like a lot of information out there paints a picture of ADHD as if it's some sort of Hulk/Bruce Banner super power thing, but it doesn't seem like my wife's ADHD has a silver lining. I'm having a lot of difficulty finding something in her that is a positive incentive for me to focus on rather than the usual negatives that I always focus on.
Does that make sense? Is my wife just an atypical sub-type of ADHD?
Be careful what you wish for
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
A lot of this sounds like my wife.
She is occasionally good with our son. In terms of spontaneity, she will be spontaneously do something other than what we should be doing. This is often around my son's bedtime or when I am taking him out for the day.
I too am finding it difficult to be positiven amongst the insults, negativity and being made to feel like a failure because she wants to move for a better school for our son but I refused to move to a new house if she is going to neglect that house too. There is no plan only ideas that I have to make happen.
I am just a carer now, not a husband.
True
Submitted by adhd32 on
There is no plan only ideas that I have to make happen
Usually the idea is full of holes. Once you start to ask questions in order to implement a plan, they see the big gaps they did not consider and start an argument or insult you and call you negative, no fun, you are always against me...things a 10 year old says when they want to do something and hadn't considered all the angles. After decades of this scenario and endless arguments about grandiose things he was "going" to do I found this site and came to realize that most of the time an idea comes to H and leaves just as quickly. I no longer get involved in the pie in the sky ideas, I just ask him how things are progressing every time he brings it up. Don't make a plan leave it in her lap. She won't be any different in a new house and if you get involved she won't appreciate all the work you put in to making a move happen.
The one thing I have taken from being on this site for about 5 years is this: I matter too and my spouse is not the star of the marriage. I am not here to make his life easier and follow his directions. Another user, "Will It Get Better", calls this being on a pit crew. You make it all happen and the driver gets all the credit. Quite an apt description.