I physically pay most of the family's bills but I ask my husband for (and usually receive) payment from him for his share of joint bills (mostly our daughters' expenses). Right now, we're living separately, at my request.
As usual, I had told my husband several weeks in advance how much he would owe me for joint bills for September. I reminded him a few times. He assured me he would pay in a timely fashion.
The date by which I asked him to pay has come and gone. It turns out that making a transfer from his dad's bank account (he is a caregiver for his parents) to his account will be more complicated than he thought.
So, people with ADHD and those without, what do you think: did my husband wait until the last minute (and perhaps beyond) because he thought the task (paying me) would be easy or because he thought it would be hard?
Just guessing - no and no
Submitted by sunlight on
"did my husband wait until the last minute (and perhaps beyond) because he thought the task (paying me) would be easy or because he thought it would be hard"
Guesses: No and No.
He did it because:
1/ He could do it tomorrow, and doing anything is an unpleasant thought. He probably didn't think through about whether setting up the bank transfer would be difficult (hasn't he been getting 'paid' some other way anyway?). Tomorrow, tomorrow.
2/ You weren't standing in front of him, metaphorically or even physically holding his hand on the keyboard/pen, saying "Do it now".
3/ Now it's too late, and doing anything is an unpleasant thought and besides nothing bad happened so there's always tomorrow.
4/ Now you're separated he's checked out even further.
5/ Repeat as needed.
I don't know what incentives or deadlines (with consequences) you could provide. Is there a legal agreement in place? If your daughter is an adult how does she feel about this foot-dragging - could she talk to him about how she feels about you bearing the whole burden?
The task is unnecessary in his mind
Submitted by jennalemon on
He is getting as much as he can from you while he can get it. He knows he can count on you to pay the bills because you are reliable. If he had to, he would have been able to. If there was no pain, there was no problem for him. Sorry. I am in the same boat.
Thank you, sunlight and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, sunlight and jennalemon. This is so depressing. In addition to the fact that I'm very responsible and so have been spending hours trying to figure out the best way to cover the bills, I think about the fact that my husband knows that I am very conscientious and get anxious about bills not being paid on time but nevertheless is choosing a path that he knows is very likely to result in me feeling a lot of anxiety, even though he frequently states that he has no ill intent toward me. (Is this an example of passive aggressive behavior?)
Gosh dern fun, ain't it?
Submitted by jennalemon on
A little. Also a little bit like Ricki and Lucy. "How can I turn this around and trick her and get my way?....in a fun way (in his head)" My dh really doesn't get how much he hurts me. Part of the reason is that for years I thought it was a good idea to be the strong silent type. Being the strong silent type is NOT A GOOD APPROACH WITH ADD SPOUSE! They just have no idea unless you spell it out over and over and make them hear you. THAT HURTS!!!!! STOP IT!!!!! Even then, they may think you are playing with them. My dh really thinks he is so charming and such a gosh dern swell guy that it is my luck that I get to take care of him gosh dern it.